Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I Bid you Adieu Pregnancy...

As the pregnant days draw to a close (count them- 1 1/2 left!) I must reminisce about my 9 month experience.  Here is a list of things I will miss (or not) about being pregnant once the little ones are born:

1.  peace and quiet
2.  people saying, "You look so small (FOR HAVING TWINS)!"
3.  spending the first 3 months of pregnancy preparing cakes in my commercial kitchen then crying in the
     car while they baked and I tried not to throw up
4.  checking my blood sugar like 800 times a day
5.  not sucking in when posing for pictures
6.  maternity clothes
7.  cankles
8.  sleeping on my side
9.  bacne
10.  4 hour long showers because I can't reach my legs to shave them
11.  my hot doctor
12.  Josh talking to my tummy
13.  little kids pointing at me and saying, "Mom! Look!"
14.  Talking about my cervix
15.  baby hiccups in utero
16.  eating multiple cans of Israeli pickles
17.  Pop Tarts
18.  walking to the bedroom with my pants around my ankles because I just peed them.
19.  crying at Father of the Bride II
20.  going to the bathroom twice in every store while running errands

It's all sort of bittersweet.  But not really.  Get the babies out.  I am so done.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Come, Babies, Come Babies, Babies Come Come

Months ago, Josh and I decided that December 17th would be the babies' birthday.  There was no real reason for this date.  We just thought it sounded good.

Apparently our babies don't know what a birthday is.

So I've decided to make some arguments for why our children should stay in the womb vs. getting the hell out.

Listen up babies!

Reasons to Stay in my Belly
1.  It's like being in a pool all day long.
2.  You can pee then drink it.
3.  Nap time is any time.
4.  Your mommy's voice is always muffled.
5.  You don't have to be potty trained or clean your room.


Reasons to be Born
1.  We've already spent so much money on you.  You should come out and enjoy the stuff we've bought.
2.  We have McDonald's out here.  And donuts.
3.  I want to dress you up like rock stars.
4.  Your dad looks like a Jewish Matt Damon.  It's worth seeing in person.
5.  Do you really want to share a room forever?
6.  Two words: The Bachelor (premiering Monday, January 2).
7.  Your mommy wants to wear her old jeans.
8.  The Sharpie mega pack.
9.  We will wipe your butts.
10.  Don't you want to meet the cat before her demise?
11.  You have baby Uggs.  BABY UGGS.
12.  In the spring, Cadbury makes Creme Eggs.
13.  Your Daddy will sing to you in his gorgeous falsetto.
14.  We have a subscription to People Magazine.
15.  Copious amounts of chocolate-because we are rich and can buy as much as we want.

Need I say more?

Friday, December 16, 2011

Stupid Shows I Will Not be Seeing

Everyone knows that life after baby, or in our case, babies, changes dramatically.  We won't be going out so often or have the freedom to make last minute plans.  The lack of freedom might upset some new parents but I'm actually very excited that I won't be exposed to the crap that will be showing in Atlanta in January:

1. Cavalia/Odysseo-the live Cirque de Soleil-like horse and human show.  If that doesn't turn you off, their website's description might:
The spellbinding show is a renewed tribute to the relationship humans and horses have forged over thousands of years. With our faithful companions by our side, we have travelled to the four corners of the globe, built bridges between cultures and brought people from all over the planet closer together. Odysseo is a singular expression and celebration of this exceptionally moving journey.

I seriously just threw up in my mouth.  And I don't think it was the acid reflux.
Did I mention how much I hate horses?

2. War Horse (a movie directed by Steven Spielberg)
IMDB description: Young Albert enlists to service in WWI after his beloved horse, Joey, is sold to the cavalry.
My description: a ridiculous love story between a boy and a smelly horse


I don't really have anything else to say about this.  ET was cuter than this horse. 

I once told Josh that I didn't understand the importance of horses and he brought up this whole barfy argument about how they were the first mode of travel and communication between people and a way to trade with other communities. 
ET was cuter than Josh, too.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Longest Pregnancy Ever.

I know I haven't blogged in a little while but I've been really busy.
I've spent the last however many days trying to convince Josh to take me to the hospital. 
I call him at work asking if he'd like to have dinner in the hospital cafeteria.
I IM him and tell him my back hurts and we should probably head over to the hospital.
If I can't find something, it's probably at the hospital and we should drive over there and check.
Let's just say it's been a long week.  Mostly for Josh. 

I'm 37 weeks tomorrow and apparently the babies are really comfortable-like warm blanket in front of a fireplace on a cold winter's day comfortable.  Oooh, with hot chocolate and mini marshmallows!

This morning Josh and I went to the OBGYN to check on the status of my body and babies.
Body=huge.  Babies=not coming out anytime soon.
But he did stick his hand up there and feel the babies' heads.  Because that's normal, right?

I asked Josh if he wanted to feel the babies' heads later.  I mean, if we're bored.

So I'm probably going to be induced next week.  I can't wait to meet my babies.  And go to the hospital.  It may sound weird but my hospital is awesome.

I've visited several friends who have had their babies recently at the hospital.  It took everything in me not to push them out of their beds. 

Do you know at my hospital a lady with an apron comes in and takes your meal orders?  How cool is that?  I decided Josh and I should practice that at home just so I can get used to it.  I'll lie in bed and he can wear one of my aprons and take my dinner order.

Until then, I'm just going to sit here and focus on the fact that I still look like the Great Pumpkin and that my children will likely be Hanukkah miracles.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

My 15 Seconds Revisited

The other day I told you all that I made my debut of awesomeness on Live with Kelly.  And today I actually have a video of Kelly Ripa saying my name and reading my letter.

I realize in the grand scheme of things that this isn't all that fascinating.  But hey, I got on television by sitting on my couch.  Not so shabby.


video

And now I'm off to change the world.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Josh Deserves a "Dealing with the Psycho Bitch" Present

Many pregnant women expect a "push present" after carrying and delivering baby.  This can be jewelry, something engraved...pretty much any bauble you can put a price tag on and some sentimental value.

Well, I've decided that my husband deserves a "dealing with the psycho bitch" present.  Aside from blaming my craziness on the obvious pregnancy hormones, I think I'm just plain crazy.

Last night, I got up to go to the bathrooms and peed ON THE WAY.  Apparently, I truly need a diaper now.  I wasn't even laughing.  It just happened.  Then I realized, all my "fat" underwear were in the laundry as well as my comfy pajama pants. 

So I threw a full-out fit.  I hit the wall, I threw my pajama pants on the floor and I cried.  I tried on underwear and then screamed that they were too tight as I stuffed them back in the drawer.

Josh offered to do my laundry.  I told him no but he did it anyway.  Then I yelled at him for doing it wrong. 
Then I spent 5 minutes pulling at the waistband of my pants willing them to stretch as I tossed and turned all over the couch groaning and whining.

Finally, I did what any reasonable person in this situation would do.  I asked Josh to get a knife from the kitchen and perform a C-Section on me.  I yelled, "I WANT THEM OUT NOW!  GET THEM OUT OF ME!!"

At this point, I was exhausted and I'm sure Josh was ready to leave for a 2 week vacation to the Bahamas.  So I stopped huffing and puffing and tried to relax with minimal complaining.

And here I am, a day later, back to "normal."  Josh probably walks in the door every evening wondering who's going to greet him at the door-the woman he fell in love with and married, or the incredible pregnant hulk.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Maternity Photos and Financial Discussions

The other day we got our maternity photos.  I was very excited!  (Who would've guessed I'd be excited to get fat photos?)  Unfortunately, these are photos of photos but you get the idea...
It was about 40 degrees and I had a cold.  I make colds look sexy.

www.kristinleighphotography.com (shout out)



I look so contemplative.  Like, "Where the hell did this huge gut come from? I don't remember eating beach balls."

Josh and I decided to get an 11 x 14 print of our favorite:



So now we have this gorgeous black and white photo and I decided we needed a beautiful handcrafted hand painted wood frame to go with it.  And since I don't do wood carving and neither does Josh, I explored the web.  For days.  And I finally found the perfect frame. 

I don't think Josh recognizes how valuable the time I put into this is.  And what an amazing online researcher (shopper) I am, as evident by our IM conversation below:

11:40 AM me: josh?
 josh: yes honey
11:41 AM me: we got our engagement photos
  i mean, maternity
 josh: what?
  oh, ha
 me: i'm pregnant
 josh: how'd they come out?
 me: and i came to the decision that we need to buy that beautiful frame
11:43 AM i know it seems pricey but it's actually practically free
 josh: oh yeah? i'd love to hear the logic on that
 me: well, imagine if i wanted to buy 5. i only want 1! see how simple that is?
11:44 AM josh: oh
11:45 AM me: we just saved like $400 plus shipping
 josh: totally
 me: so it's settled
11:47 AM ahem
11:48 AM josh: yes?
 me: can i buy it?
 josh: i thought we were gonna try to not spend a ton of money the next few weeks
 me: i totally wasn't in agreement on that stupid conversation
11:49 AM josh: ha
  we'll find a good piece of wood
 me: thank you, lumberjack  So now I have to find secret money to buy the frame.  Because Josh obviously doesn't understand the value of a dollar.  Money is for spending.  On frames.  Expensive ones.  With pretty edges. 

Monday, December 5, 2011

Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Today we had our 35 week appointment at the Perinatologist. 

The big news of the day-our kids have hair!  Apparently our little boy has lots of hair.  It was flowing in the amniotic fluid (Picture Fabio on a hot summer's day).

The only thing that was a little disconcerting was the placement of our children's beautiful locks.

me: You mean, our kids have hair already and you can see it?

nurse:  Yes! He has lots of hair.  See it there?

me:  Um, sure.  I think.

nurse:  Right there, on the back of his head.

me: Wait, hold up.  On the back of his head?  Like a mullet?

So apparently, I'm about to birth hick babies in a couple of weeks.

This leads me to rethinking the whole bris decorating scheme
Should I maybe do an outdoor picnic style celebration with trash can hunch punch and a pony keg? 

Friday, December 2, 2011

Yes, I'm Famous.

So today, I made my television debut on Live With Kelly.

I wasn't actually ON the television per se.  But I was mentioned.  By full name.  And Kelly even pronounced my last name right.  She's a rock star. 

And she said my name while sitting next to the dashing (albeit unavailable) Neil Patrick Harris.

I love you both.  And Neil, can you please tell Josh how adorable sweater vests are with ties?

The reason Kelly mentioned me on air this morning is because I texted her about her earlier discussion of cockroaches and animal testicles. 

I thanked her for ruining my breakfast.  Don't get me wrong.  I still ate it.  It just wasn't as enjoyable.

I can't find the clip online but trust me.  It would have been way better if I was actually ON the show.  Next time.  They're sure to hear about me soon and ask me to guest host.

I'm already gearing up for the fan mail.  I should probably get a P.O. Box so people don't start stalking me.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

'Tis the Season

Well, folks.  It's December.
Great things are happening this month.
It's Christmas!  It's Hannukah!  The babies are coming!

This is the month where I light Hannukah candles and listen to Christmas music.  I'm a Jew who's a sucker for everything Christmas. 

Like Christmas in the Mall!  Who doesn't love walking into Macy's in December?  With the wreaths hanging and all the shiny jewelry just calling out to you, "Buy me!  Spend all your money here!  Don't worry, you have a money tree!"

It seriously is the most wonderful time of the year.  Until New Year's Eve.  And then Valentines Day and every other holiday because I love celebrations.  And cake.

So I was looking online for places to go see Christmas lights.  I have a lot of free time on my hands and don't know if I'll even go see Christmas lights but I at least wanted options.

Well, turns out there are lights and carriage rides in Piedmont Park in midtown.  Let me tell you the problem with this option, as romantic as it sounds.  Carriages are pulled by horses.  If you're a reader of my blog you know a simple fact about me.  I hate horses.  I have listed the reasons before but let me just give you my favorite one.  Horses smell like their own sh*t.  I mean, I probably wouldn't hang out with a person that smelled like that so I don't understand why horses should be any different.

So I'm still looking for good light displays.  Preferably ones that go with music.  And maybe have a menorah and dreidels.  I'm all about equal opportunities.

In other news:
We got another baby gift yesterday.  Sort of.

Here is the packing slip that came with the gift:


Based on the packing slip, I suspected 2 slip covers for our babies' Boppy pillows.  (Don't get me started on stupid baby product names-Boppy, Bumbo, Binky...)

But instead, this is what came in our package:


Way to go Babies R Us.  You rock at shipping.  And, even more disappointing, these say for ages 6 and up.  So the babies can't even use them yet.

I am thoroughly disappointed and totally buying a nerf gun to shoot Josh in the head.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Food Porn

Gestational diabetes is no picnic.
Seriously.  Because at picnics, I think they have cake.  They definitely have cake.  Or at least pie.

The good things about knowing I have gestational diabetes are that I am eating healthier and taking good care of my little twinks by watching my carb intake like it's my job.

But because I am human, and a woman, and I like to complain, I am dedicating this post to foods I miss.
And in the process, kicking myself in the ass for posting pictures of food I can't eat.  

That is some sexy cheese.


Who ate my cake?  I swear, I will guillotine your ass.

Chocolate chips wrapped in baked sugar.  mmmmm

Hot dogs, friend in corn bread.  Genius.  People who don't like these are not my friends.

Pasta Carbonara, a carb lovers dream

There are no words to tell you how much I miss you dear golden friends.

I know Thanksgiving was 4 days ago but one piece just wasn't enough.  Even if my piece was the size of a whole pie.

I love you too.  I really do.

And, because I'm a nerd and bored,  I made you a pie chart to understand how much I miss these foods.  Mmmm, pie.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

How to Decorate for a Bris

If you're an avid reader, you know I've been thinking about our little boy's Bris for months.  After many discussions, we've decided to have our joint bris and baby naming with just our immediate family.

So I've decided that it's important to find some great party supplies to help us celebrate the event!

It's not extremely easy to plan a boy/girl event without a direct theme but I didn't think an "Elmo" bris was exactly appropriate.

I even looked at specifically Jewish plates/napkins/decorations but they're very traditional and we are celebrating little babies after all.

But then I though long and hard about what a bris is really about.  And it came to me!


 To serve all the guests bagels and lox.
Perfect for mimosas and sodas!


 Nice table accents and great for easy clean up!



Adorable.  Am I right?

Who knew planning a fun and memorable Bris would be so easy?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I am an Ape. And my Husband is Sleeping in the Guest Room.

Josh thinks my pregnant body is the cutest thing he's ever seen.  It's very sweet.  I just hope he still thinks it's cute afterwards when I have a huge bloated belly left over and massive emotional waves due to postpartum depression.  I like to think realistically.

Last night, as I was putting on my pajamas, Josh said he figured out what I reminded him of in my pregnant form. 

And then to further prove his point, in case I didn't understand English, he found a picture on the internet.



I love my husband.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Diagram of a Pregnant Person

This morning as Josh was reading my weekly pregnancy update, he grudgingly informed me that one of the symptoms I could now expect is flatulence.  We both laughed.  I was like, "then what's been going on the last 32 weeks?"

Poor Josh.  His feminine, sweet wife has turned into a farting, burping, peeing-in-her-pants roly poly thing.

Today I decided to make a diagram to better help you understand the different dimensions of a pregnant person.

Diagram of a Pregnant Person:


 Trust me, this is way better than the diagrams they show you in child birth class.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I'm Like Martha Stewart...With Cankles

"How the hell did this happen?" I yell pleadingly at Josh as I look down at my feet that flow right into my calves.  My ankles have disappeared.  They went to the same place as my flat stomach, my sanity, my ability to properly digest carbs and the view below my belly button.

In the process of becoming a waddling duck-like fat person, what hasn't disappeared is my Martha Stewart-like love of all things crafty and girly.  Although I'm still waiting for Martha to come out of the closet.  Not that that has anything to do with being crafty or girly, I'm just saying.

My sister invited us to her house for the Georgia/Kentucky game today.  I may have graduated from Georgia but I don't go for the games.  I go to dress cute and eat food.  It's all about the food.

So yesterday I baked some pumpkin spice cupcakes with cinnamon buttercream frosting and decided they needed a little something extra before I brought them to the game day celebration.


So I made some Georgia pumpkin cupcake toppers.  Josh came home yesterday and was like, "What are you doing?"  I told him I was making cupcake toppers.  He didn't exactly understand the point.  I stated it simply, "I'm busy, not crying and not peeing my pants.  So this is a good thing."


 Silas, the dog, wanted cupcakes too but I don't share with dogs.  They walk on 4 legs and smell.  That's just not normal.  Although, as far as dogs go, Silas isn't so bad.


I can tell you one thing about these cupcakes.  They're not on my Gestational Diabetes diet.  Maybe if I eat one with a hard boiled egg and some almonds.  Because that sounds appetizing. 

My cankles and I are going to go sulk.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Being Normal is Not an Option

I cried last night because I soft boiled what were supposed to be hard boiled eggs.  I cracked 4 of them to prove that they were underboiled and threw them in the trashcan.  Then I cried because I had bought the extra expensive Omega 3 eggs and just wasted them.

So I reboiled the rest and they were still under boiled.
So I threw out 2 more eggs.  And cried more because I had just wasted $1.50.

Josh reboiled the last of them and we played a game of Rummikub to ease the tension.

This morning I ate a perfectly hard boiled egg, thanks to the patience of my husband and the fact that there are more than 6 eggs in a dozen. 
I've been boiling eggs my whole life but, somehow, last night just wasn't meant to be.

You go a little crazy when you're pregnant.
I pee my pants.
I laugh hysterically reading product reviews on Amazon.com.  Then I pee my pants and cry because I peed my pants.
I can't wait for Josh to come home and then spend the whole night being psychotic.
I put on my old jeans and complain that they won't button even though I'm less than 6 weeks away from giving birth.

I don't think I'm going to blame pregnancy for all of this.  I think it's the lack of sugar.

But the doctor said I can have a "free day" on Thanksgiving.

Hold on to your pumpkin pies.  I'm going on a rampage.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

A Personal Thank You

A few weeks ago my friends and family hosted an incredible baby shower for me and the kididdles.  I spent that weekend knocking out thank you notes like it was my job.  
Since then, Josh and I have been lucky to receive more gifts.  So thank you note writing has become sort of a professional hobby.  I know that's an oxymoron but I'm okay with that. 

So today, I've decided to donate my time to the masses to teach you how to write a proper thank you note.  I've taken one of my own thank you notes to use as an example:
Thank you note writing should be easy, fun and personal!
In the days of emails and Evites, I think we've lost the personal touch of a hand written note.  And phone calls on birthdays.  Birthday texts just don't do it for me.  And, bringing cake and casseroles to neighbors.  Why the hell aren't my neighbors bringing me cake?
What is the world coming to?

Monday, November 14, 2011

Naked Photos...

Today we had our 32 week appointment at the Perinatologist.  I told my nurse today about our blog and she told the hot doc.  So I won't be surprised if my next appointment is a little awkward.  P.s. Hi doc! Thanks for the ultrasound CD today.  That was way nice.  And your hair looked good.  And you smell like fresh fallen leaves and hot cocoa with marshmallows.

Apparently we have two little beef cakes on our hands.  Our babies each weigh a tad over 4 pounds and have beautiful little body parts.  I know this because we were looking at him and all of a sudden she thought it was a good idea to be like, "Hey Mommy and Daddy and brother, here's my vagina!"  So that was a pleasant surprise. 

And an even bigger surprise-we got a 3-D ultrasound today!  We didn't even know this was going to happen and BAM! Baby A's face all smooshy and yellow and 3-D!  That's our little boy.  He's pretty awesome.

Hi Mommy.  I'm just sitting here peeing and then drinking it again.
Check out that pout and that squishy little nose.  He's a stud muffin like his daddy.  I cried when I saw this little face because Josh and I made that.  Yeah, I know.  We're talented folks.


Above is our little girl.  That's probably the best picture we got of her today.  That is her upside down little foot.  Her face is in there somewhere but she preferred to show us her foot today.  May I just say, that is one adorable foot.

And in a couple of days I'll get to see the OB.  It looks like I'm going to be seeing that guy every week from now on.  It's kind of sad, really, because I pass the McDonald's on the way to his office and I can't stop there.  But Josh already promised me McDonald's in the hopsital.  Suck it Diabetes!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Professional Photo Analysis

I have five words to describe this picture I found on Pinterest.


This bitch is not pregnant.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Car Seat Etiquette

Blog inspiration has been low lately.  Apparently when you do nothing all day, you don't have much to write about. 
But today, I have a very serious issue to blog about.  Car Seats.  Let me give you the 411 on car seat installation.
1.  70-90% of car seats in the US at any given time are installed incorrectly (This means some aren't in tight enough, some aren't put in properly, some children aren't in boosters when they should be, some should be rear facing but are front facing...)

So according to my calculations 70-90% of people suck at reading directions. 
Step 1: Read the car seat manual
Step 2: Read the car manual section on car seats
Step 3: Do what they say.

*And you shouldn't just do this for your infant car seats-Do this every time you get a new car seat.  Don't be a dumb butt head.

Once you have installed your car seat, take it to a certified checker guy.  You can find them here: http://www.nhtsa.gov/

2.  Car Seats EXPIRE.  Did you know this?  At the bottom of your car seat is an expiration date.  Once it hits that date, throw it out.  The whole thing.  That sh*t is donezo. 

 This past weekend Josh and I put the car seats in the car and now I'm having a bit of a problem.  Here is one of our matching car seats.
There are actually two of these things in my back seat right now.
These are nice little car seats, right? Wrong, they're really small yet they're huge.  See, I like to drive sort of like a baller.  I lean back really far in my seat and put the seat back as far as it can go.  It's a little suburban gansta if you will. 

I can tell you right now.  My life is changing.  It only hit me when I sat in the driver's seat of my CRV and realized I was more upright and closer to the wheel than I can ever remember being.  It was a bittersweet moment-Sweet because I will have my little twinkadinks snuggled behind me.  Bitter, because it was so effing uncomfortable.

Luckily, all problems can be solved.  We simply have to buy me a new car.  I've had my car for almost a year and a half and I'm going to miss it but not really because my new car will be bigger, better and shinier-like an upgraded diamond but with heated seats and nav.


Well, hello lover.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Death to the Cat

A few months ago I posted a very PC post about phasing out the cat.  At that time, I was less pregnant, less psychotic and more tolerant.
But today, the cat barfed on the brand new plush carpet on the lower level of the twinkadinks bedroom. 

Let me explain what I don't understand about my stupid whore cat.  Our entire house is hardwood floors except the lower level of the kids' room and our bedroom.  And where does the cat barf every time?  The effing carpet.
It's like she's too hoity toity to barf on the damn floor.

I am an evil sadistic cat.  I will barf on your floors and ruin your life.

Josh recommended we just let the cat out the front door to fend for herself.  But I said that was taking too many chances.  I mean, she could find it's rough out there, having to prostitute herself for cat food.  And I don't think her puffy legs could handle the stilettos and fishnets. (Sorry to any prostitutes who read this for the obvious stereotypes.  I just don't think the cat's innovative enough to think outside the box).  But then she might come back hours later, perfectly fine and ALIVE.

So obviously, that's not a foolproof plan.

We only have one option.  Death.  PETA might come after me for this post but I'll just barf on their carpeted floors and we'll see how they like it.
Now, I know there are "many ways to skin a cat" but I actually want to kill her so we have to get creative.  I was thinking about putting together a little kitty guillotine.  It's just unfortunate that Halloween has already passed because that would have made a good lawn decoration.

If we're going to kill the cat, I want to at least be creative about it, you know?  Maybe we can invite her to have dinner with us and poison her wine.  But we should invite other guests so we have other people to blame for her untimely demise.

We could slowly starve her but I think her fat will maintain her for months and by then the babies will be here and I probably won't care anymore.  And the truth is, I really don't want to drag this thing out.

It really is a good thing I don't have a job because I think this whole murder plan is going to be quite time consuming.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Hospital Preparations

I'm just teetering on the edge of 31 weeks and am starting to think about delivery day and hospital preparations.  Hopefully the babies stay satisfied as womb-mates for another 6ish weeks.

Many people have advised stealing from the hospital.  I don't mind advice that involves stealing. 
I have an itemized list of things to steal from the hospital:

swaddling blankets
pacifiers
newborn diapers
wipes
various lotions

Looking over this list, I've decided if I'm going to steal from the hospital, I'm going to make it worth my while.
Here's my updated list:

incubator
2 nurses (one for each baby)
The McDonald's french fry maker (yes, there's a McDonald's at my hospital)
Dining room trays
3,000 containers of red jello
a hospital bed with remote control

I've already arranged for the UHaul.

So now I just have to pack my bags so I'm ready when the time comes.  I've started a packing list which I promise I'll post soon.  I'm sure there are many expectant mothers out there that aren't sure what to pack.  Don't you fret your huge bellies about it.  I'm here to make sure you have all the essentials.

Also, did you know pizza places deliver to hospitals? 
I've seriously got this sh*t covered.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Halloween Without Candy-A Horror Story

Yesterday was the scariest Halloween I can remember since I was a child and had an unfounded fear of trick-or-treaters.  It made leaving the house on Halloween surprisingly difficult.  I also was scared of 4th of July fireworks which is totally random but true, none the less.
Anyway, yesterday was the day I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes!  (cue scary music)  I couldn't believe after years of enjoying sugar, on what should have been the sweetest day of the year, I was being restricted.  WTF Halloween Gods?

I love you candy corn.  You are pure sugary goodness. Never forget that.

The skinny (ahem) on gestational diabetes is that I am pretty much considered a diabetic for the rest of my pregnancy, have to check my blood sugar 4 times a day, count all my carbs and follow a diet from a nutritionist.

According to the American Diabetes Association, you are at higher risk for gestational diabetes if you fit into any of the following categories:
  • You're obese (your body mass index is over 30).
  • You've had gestational diabetes in a previous pregnancy.
  • You have sugar in your urine.
  • You have a strong family history of diabetes.
Some practitioners will also screen you early if you have other risk factors, such as:
  • You've previously given birth to a big baby. Some use 8 pounds, 13 ounces (4,000 grams, or 4 kilos) as the cutoff; others use 9 pounds, 14 ounces (4,500 grams, or 4.5 kilos).
  • You've had an unexplained stillbirth.
  • You've had a baby with a birth defect.
  • You have high blood pressure.
  • You're over 35.
Because I don't fit into any of these categories, I've come to a rock-solid conclusion.  I am magical.  I am a magical sugar fairy.  Where other people lack sweetness, I am overflowing with it.  I'm still working out what all my magic powers are but I assume they're pretty badass.  And I also have a kit with needles to prick fingers which is pretty damn cool.

So I've deemed it my personal responsibility to protect all the world's sugar until my children are born and I can eat it again with reckless abandon.  Watch out Krispy Kreme.  I'm coming for you.  You better have the HOT light on.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Mama's Got a Brand New Ride

Today I had two friends' baby showers to attend.
Josh also ran a marathon this morning.
So while he was burning 864,000 calories, I was eating 864,000 calories while decorating onesies and discussing C-section versus vaginal delivery.

Baby showers all run a similar schedule divided into 3 sections:
Eat, play, unwrap.
My favorite part is the eating.  I'm not going to list what I ate today because Josh reads my blog.  But it was probably equivalent to like, some lettuce.

At the first shower I went to, I was chatting with some friends when I sneezed and peed my pants a little.  I excused myself to the bathroom because not everyone knows me and I couldn't just be like, "OMG guys! I totally just peed myself!"  Well, I could have but I don't know how many more showers I'd be invited to.  I like to introduce myself slowly to people so that once we're friends I can slowly start bringing in the crazy because at that point they're already invested.

I also wore boots today because it was 50 degrees and the other day my mom said I should stop wearing flip flops because she's afraid I'll trip and fall.  But that's okay because I'm investing in something that will make what I wear on my feet completely inconsequential.

Josh didn't exactly understand my whole elephant idea but I found something he simply can't argue with!

Check out the new ride, bitches!
I contacted the Scooter store and I can have one of these things like, tomorrow!  Here's a little info from their website:

"If you feel your limited mobility is keeping you from living life the way you want, then here's good news: a power chair or scooter from The SCOOTER Store could help you regain mobility and live the active, independent life you desire.  Reclaim your freedom and take back the life you desire."

Three words: Must. Get. This.
I asked, and unfortunately, they don't have this in pink, which I thought was a little odd since pink is totally the new red.

I thought it would be especially great to have this for Halloween tomorrow to make pregnant Trick-or-Treating a little speedier.  I just think it would be kind of a pain in the ass for Josh to have to carry me from house to house, especially after having just run a marathon.  































Thursday, October 27, 2011

Sugar We're Going Down Swinging

This morning I had my 3 hour Glucose Tolerance test.  This was a follow up to my failed 1 hour glucose test.
Let me give you the rundown on how the test went:

No eating 10-12 hours before the test
8:30am- 1 tube of blood drawn
8:35am- drink 100mg of Glucola orange drink
9:35am- 1 tube of blood drawn
10:35am- 1 tube of blood drawn
11:35am- 1 tube of blood drawn

Luckily my friend Jess is visiting from California and hung out with me in the waiting room for 3 hours, playing MASH, reading People Magazine, and speculating whether other women in the waiting room were there because they were pregnant or just getting their paps smeared.

This time the Glucola tasted much better than the first time-I think it was because there was more sugar.  Essentially I drank the equivalent sugar content of 4 chocolate sprinkled Krispy Kreme donuts with none of the donut joy.  I kind of wonder if I could have just eaten 85,000 sprinkles instead and called it a day.

85,000 rainbow sprinkles

So now I wait a few days to see if I have full blown gestational diabetes-Can you feel the excitement in the air??
And with Halloween less than 4 days away, it's pretty much torture.  But not really because I think Milky Ways are sugar free.

And in other pregnancy news:

Today someone told me I was tiny everywhere but my belly.  I told her to put on some glasses and check out my ass.

My belly button is almost an outey but I think it's having an identity crisis so it kind of goes back and forth.  I'll keep you updated if anything fully pops.

I haven't peed my pants in a week.

My kids' arms and legs have been routinely stuck in my pelvic bone which feels super awesome.

I've had a slight recurrence of backne which just makes me feel beautiful all around.  And in honor of this fabulousness, I give you Jane Lynch.

Baby got Backne.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I Miss You Sugar.

Tomorrow is my glucose tolerance test.  This is the second test to determine if I have gestational diabetes.  In preparation for this test I've been eating less carbs, more proteins, and more vegetables.  I've had barely any sugar and I think it's driving me pretty insane. 

This ultimately leads me to think of the future, my children and how I will get them to eat all of the things that I don't.

For your viewing pleasure, I've made a list of everything I don't eat.  Maybe someone out there can help me come up with a plan that doesn't involve me actually eating any of this myself.  As far as the kids are concerned, Mommy's allergic to all this crap.


There's probably some other stuff that I don't eat but it was taking too long to try to figure out what that is and it was making me hungry for the things I do eat.

Now the real psychological questions:
Do I blame myself?
Do I blame my parents?
Do I blame the cat?

I think I'm going to go with the cat.  She threw up outside of our bedroom door this morning.  Why do cats throw up so much?  She's eaten the same food for 6 years and yet, each time I put it out, she's so excited, it's like I'm feeding her a new and delectable dish.  No, Cat, it's the same dried crap you've been eating for your entire life and yet you still throw it up all over our house.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Shower Power

This weekend I had my baby shower (which might explain why I'm completely exhausted and not sure what day it is.)  So in lieu of my normal snarky remarks or sarcastic comments, I'm going to be super cutesy with a little bit of barfy.  My shower was "Thing 1 and Thing 2" themed which is super cute, and praise the gods of all things that nauseate me, not pastel colored.

The invitation was adorable and also had polka dots, which is a huge bonus.  You can polka dot anything and turn a frown upside down.  That's why I think we should start polka-dotting homeless people.


When I arrived, I saw the room and it was absolutely perfect!  Aside from it being totally my style (adorable) it also meant that at some point we'd get to eat.  So I was, of course, super excited.


Having so much family there when I walked in, everyone was dying to take a picture of me.  It's really sweet and all but why weren't people this enthused about capturing my image before I turned into a beached whale?


These are the fabulous hostesses!  I'm the one with the slanted eyes and belly.  I'm assuming my children will look Asian in photographs too and we can only hope.  When I was little, people taking photos of me would always tell me to stop squinting in the pictures.  If only I knew the power of the middle finger back then.

There was also a fun table for people to sign Oh The Places You'll Go for me.  And the best part about the book is that it's the "Party Edition" which means the cover has confetti on it and sparkles.  I like things that sparkle.


We played games and ate food and then I went straight to the dessert table.  Even though I'm gearing up for my second glucose screening, I knew there was no way I was compromising my sugar intake on this day.  The twinkadinks totally agreed with me.

Could my shower be any sweeter? I know, lame. You can't have any.
And then we got to open presents!  Josh even came to help because if he hadn't, I would have probably passed out from heat exhaustion and smiling.  My niece was the biggest help of all.  I don't think it mattered that she was opening up trash cans for poopy diapers-she was absolutely thrilled.

Eat, Sleep, Share & Eat, Sleep, Blog.  My kids are going to be tech sexy.
So many wonderful friends and family came to share the day including some of my preggo friends!

Pregnant women are hot.  Literally, stifling.  I had to take off my sweater.
Overall it was a super fun day with amazing ladies, one very handsome hubby, delicious desserts, beautiful gifts and oh yeah, there was lunch too.  But who notices lunch when there's cake around?


Thank you again to the hostesses and my mom and mother in law for making this such an incredible day!!  I couldn't have asked for a more fun way to ring in baby season!
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