Sunday, November 6, 2011

Death to the Cat

A few months ago I posted a very PC post about phasing out the cat.  At that time, I was less pregnant, less psychotic and more tolerant.
But today, the cat barfed on the brand new plush carpet on the lower level of the twinkadinks bedroom. 

Let me explain what I don't understand about my stupid whore cat.  Our entire house is hardwood floors except the lower level of the kids' room and our bedroom.  And where does the cat barf every time?  The effing carpet.
It's like she's too hoity toity to barf on the damn floor.

I am an evil sadistic cat.  I will barf on your floors and ruin your life.

Josh recommended we just let the cat out the front door to fend for herself.  But I said that was taking too many chances.  I mean, she could find it's rough out there, having to prostitute herself for cat food.  And I don't think her puffy legs could handle the stilettos and fishnets. (Sorry to any prostitutes who read this for the obvious stereotypes.  I just don't think the cat's innovative enough to think outside the box).  But then she might come back hours later, perfectly fine and ALIVE.

So obviously, that's not a foolproof plan.

We only have one option.  Death.  PETA might come after me for this post but I'll just barf on their carpeted floors and we'll see how they like it.
Now, I know there are "many ways to skin a cat" but I actually want to kill her so we have to get creative.  I was thinking about putting together a little kitty guillotine.  It's just unfortunate that Halloween has already passed because that would have made a good lawn decoration.

If we're going to kill the cat, I want to at least be creative about it, you know?  Maybe we can invite her to have dinner with us and poison her wine.  But we should invite other guests so we have other people to blame for her untimely demise.

We could slowly starve her but I think her fat will maintain her for months and by then the babies will be here and I probably won't care anymore.  And the truth is, I really don't want to drag this thing out.

It really is a good thing I don't have a job because I think this whole murder plan is going to be quite time consuming.


  1. Oh my gosh you are hilarious! I will follow until you offend me. (I give it a week, tops!)

  2. Thanks Jessica! Your Thing 1 and Thing 2 are absolutely adorable! I look forward to sharing in the blogging world together!

  3. you are one sick puppy! lmao tho :-)


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