Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Two Month Love

Today is the twinks 2 month birthday. 2 month anniversary of their birth?  Neither sounds right but let's just say 2 months ago I was half aware in my post-C-section fog that I might have just given birth to two children.  Either way, they let me take them home so I assume they're mine.

In our new monthly tradition, my husband Josh has taken to writing a letter to the babes.

To our twinks Austin and Summer,
Somehow you guys are already two months old today.  It’s hard to believe that almost exactly this time two months ago, you had just made your grand entrance and changed our lives forever.  This month you guys have made the transition from little-blob-things to kind-of-actual-little-people.  As part of that transition, we’re starting to notice that some things are changing while others are very much staying the same.  Here are some observations about you guys at the two month mark:
Things that have stayed the same
The boy/girl thing:
·       Austin, you are still our handsome little guy that nobody will ever mistake for a girl.    
·       Summer, you are as dainty as the day you were born.  You always seem to find a way to hold your hands delicately out in front of you, totally primed for that manicure you’re not quite getting just yet.
·       Austin, most of the time your cries are whimpers.  Your cry voice is low, and your cries make everyone feel sad.
·       Summer, your cries sound like the siren from a fire truck.  Your cry is high-pitched enough that only dogs and your parents can hear it.  We’re not sure anything is ever wrong with you, we kind of think you just like the attention.     
Burping & Farting:
·       Summer, it’s not very lady-like, but you fart way more than your brother.  And you’re not bashful about one bit. 
·       Austin, you aren’t a great burper, but you do some pretty massive spit ups every couple days.  Not like a little bit on your bib.  Like all over the floor. 
Your Wardrobe:
·       Austin, thankfully we just dress you like a normal little boy.
·       Summer, where do we start?  This is probably more about your mommy than you, but needless to say, you are the best-accessorized baby on the block.
·       This one has changed a little bit but not enough.  You guys are sleeping a little more than 4 hours at a time at night.  Let’s shoot for 8 hours, ok guys?
Your wakeup routine:
·       If we want your sleep habits to change, we want your wakeup routine to stay the same forever.  Cutest thing on earth.  Video evidence here.
Things that have changed
·       Summer, you became SumSum this month.  I have no idea where it came from, but it seems to fit.  I wonder if you’ll read this when you’re a teenager and still have that as a nickname.
·       Austin, your nickname has become Buddy Boy.  If you read this as a teenager and still have that as a nickname, I will have failed you as a father.
·       This is a new thing in the last few days, but your smiles are definitely starting to emerge.  Seeing your little lips curl into those happy faces makes your mommy and daddy melt.
Sympathy crying
·       Summer, you can’t stand hearing the whimpers of your little brother so every time he cries, you tend to join in.
·       Austin, you don’t give a crap when Summer cries.  You just continue on as if nothing is happening.
·       Austin, your hair fell out a few weeks ago and you looked like an old bald dude for a little while.  Now you just look like you have a crew cut, and it’s pretty damn adorable.
·       Summer, your hair is kind of half-in, half-out.  It looks relatively normal during the day, but holy crap does it look scary after we give you a bath.
·       Diapers are getting changed way less these days.  And when they are getting changed, there is way less poop in them.  As long as you’re healthy, nobody here is complaining about that!
·       Also, you’re both in size 1 diapers now.  Austin, you outgrew the newborn kind.  Summer, they don’t really fit you well but we just didn’t want to buy more newborns so you’re making it work.  Way to be a team player.
·       As of today, you both got your shots.  That means we can now take you wherever we want.  So I guess your pain was our gain.  Thanks kiddos.
That’s all for now.  I’ll check in again at 3 months. 
I love you guys,
Vital Stats
Two month weight: Austin – 10lb, 9oz; Summer 9lb, 9oz
Two month height: Austin – 21.5in   Summer – 21in

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Revenge is Sweet

I was talking to my hairdresser the other day about the ABC show Revenge.  I am in love with this show.  An entire week went by in which I don't remember watching my kids because I was busy watching Revenge.  They're sitting next to me now so I assume they made it through the week okay.

I am obsessed with the show for multiple reasons:
1.  I am always devising elaborate schemes to keep my life busy and full of excitement.
2.  It's filmed in the Hamptons where I plan to buy my third summer home and play tennis with my hot instructor named Damon who is always shirtless and covered in oil.
3.  I plan on becoming a billionaire and donating to numerous causes just so I can attend the tented ocean-front galas supporting the numerous causes and wear sexy gowns and killer Louboutins.

So I decided to talk to Josh about my plans.

Me: So you know how I love the show Revenge?

Josh: Yeah

Me: Well, I've decided that I'm going to plan an insanely elaborate, devious and scandalous revenge.

Josh: okay...

Me:  It's totally  an awesome idea.  I just have to start coordinating the plans in my head and organize my unsuspecting targets.

Josh:  I think you're better off keeping all these ideas in your head.

Me: What do you mean?  This will be incredible!  Who will suspect a mom of newborn twins to be executing such a tangled web of retribution?

Josh:  I think you think you're sneakier than you actually are.

Me:  Enough.  We never had this conversation.  I don't want you involved any more than you already are.

Now all I need to do is learn fluent Japanese, some sort of ancient martial art, buy a new wardrobe and find an adversary worthy of my intention.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I'm a Sh*t Photographer

I owe the blogging world an apology.  I've been MIA.  Have I been busy being a mom?  Have I been busy trying to clean up during nap times? No, I've been documenting my children's poop.  Forget baby books.  I'm doing "Holy Sh*t Books"  My children will look back at their 40,000 poop filled diaper pictures with fondness and nostalgia. 

Yes, my husband receives poop pictures on his phone during important work meetings.  It's my way of making sure he doesn't miss out on all the memories while he's funding my shopping habit. 

Speaking of shopping, Josh and I have differing opinions of what the children need. 
I am a realist. 
I know that one day I will not be able to dress our children in whatever I choose because they will be strong, independent thinkers (translation: whiny, loud, tantrum throwing hooligans).  That means I have to spend all our money on clothes that I can dress them in now before they can form their own opinions on how ridiculous they look.  This is a solid investment and Josh thinks it's a waste of money. 

We were at a baby naming a few weeks ago and one of the grandparents wished that the child would appreciate the gifts she got but even more importantly, the memories she makes over the years.
 Josh looked pointedly at me.
I told him, "I recognize that stuff isn't that important and that memories are what really last.  However, aren't memories better when they have stuff in them?"

So in order to fill our house with more stuff, I've been taking some much needed trips to my mecca-the mall.  The germ nazis out there will say that I shouldn't bring my kids out in crowds before they're 2 months old but I'll have you know that I only let really good looking strangers lick my children.  See?  I know what I'm doing.

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