Monday, January 30, 2012

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News!

 Crazy as it is, our 2 month check up is in about a month and I've already started compiling a list of questions to ask our pediatrician.
New moms are psycho.  I know this because I'm a new mom.  But I've found if I keep organized with my 800,000 concerns, it's easier to prioritize and Google search so that I can properly diagnose my children. 
As a side note, we do happen to be very medically savvy and knowledgeable in our house because Josh works with Dr. Oz's website, which makes Josh a certified medical genius.  P.s.: Does anyone else thing Dr. Oz looks like he's about to turn into a werewolf?

Watch out bitches, looks like a full moon...

Here are some of the questions I have for our pediatrician.

1.  When do babies realize their hands are attached to their bodies so they stop hitting themselves in the head?
2.  How soon can I teach my kids to drive a car so they can run errands and do the things I can't do because I'm taking care of two babies?
3.  Is there a way to tape a pacifier to my child's face without being reported to child services?
4.  No matter how many times we change and bathe them, why do the kids always smell like a mixture of spit up and butt cream?
5.  Why are babies nostrils so small?  It makes it really difficult to pick my kids' noses.
6.  Why do babies' music groups like The Wiggles make me want to slit my own throat?
7.  Austin recently started balding.  Do they make Rogaine for babies?
8.  How do the babies get dirt under their fingernails.  They do NOTHING.
9.  Why do my babies have different genitalia?  I thought they were twins.
10.  When will my kids eat normal food like human beings?
11.  When will the babies learn how to burp themselves?   
12.  When will I fit into my old jeans?  Seriously.
13.  Is spit up worth anything on the black market?
14.  Do you know anyone who works for the black market?
15.  Giving baby Zantac in a medicine dropper is a pain in the ass.  When can the babies swallow pills?
16.  Do you make housecalls?
17.  Can I have your cell phone number in case I have any other questions?

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

Today our little loves are one month old.  What the eff?  Wasn't I just shrieking and making death threats in the delivery room?

In honor of their one month birthday, and the fact that I'm so choked up by this glorious event, I'll let Josh do the talking...

To our sweet twinks, Austin and Summer,
Today you guys are one month old.  I would say something like “I can’t believe how fast the last month went by,” but I have a feeling that “I can’t believe how fast the last ____ went by” is how your mom and I will feel for the rest of our lives.  It feels a little unfair that somehow the nine months we waited for you to arrive seemed to crawl by, but now that you’re here, time all of a sudden is moving so much faster and feels more fleeting.  But let’s not focus on that.  Let’s focus on the last 31 days. 
You were born one minute apart, at 6:13 (Austin) and 6:14 (Summer) on December 22, 2011.  Your mom was induced at about 2am, and after pushing for over an hour from 4-5pm, it was pretty clear that you guys just weren’t going to come out the easy way.  Summer, this was mostly your fault because you had your arm over your head which made it really hard for mommy to push you out.  So after making mommy experience excruciating pain for more than an hour straight, on top of the 14 hours of misery before that, and the 9 months of feeling gross, sick, fat and uncomfortable before that (you can NEVER be a pain in the butt to your mommy.  You owe her forever!), you finally arrived!
From the second I first heard your cries, the feelings that went through me were unlike any I’ve ever felt.  The pride that you are my babies, the joy that I’m your daddy, the fun that comes with laughing at your adorable and sometimes silly faces every day, the sense of protectiveness that comes with being a parent, and most of all, the absolute, unrelenting, unconditional LOVE that your mommy and I feel for you every single second of every single day, even when you are pooping all over your clean clothes, spitting up all over our clean clothes and/or screaming at the top of your lungs for no discernible reason.
 So, what has happened this first month of your lives? 
·      We found out that you were baby geniuses when you both scored 8 (1 minute) and 9 (5 minutes) on your APGAR tests.  We weren’t surprised.
·      We spent 5 days in the hospital, and upon leaving, stole several suitcases worth of stuff, most of which we ended up throwing away anyway. 
·      We introduced you to tons of people who love you, from your grandparents, to aunts, uncles and cousins, to lots and lots of other family and friends. 
·      We gave you your first baths.  You really screamed bloody murder.  We gave you several more baths.  You really screamed bloody murder again.  We’re still working on this whole hygiene thing. 
·      We cut part of Austin’s little penis off. 
o   We freaked out that Austin’s penis was growing some kind of infection, only to find out that that’s just how penises heal after they’ve been partially snipped. 
·      We slept through New Year’s Eve. 
·      We got a tax break because you came before New Year’s.  Thanks guys!
·      We went on our first walks together. 
·      We called the doctors office about 25 times to make sure everything we were freaking out about was ok.  It was.
·      We took your newborn photos, which are about the most precious pictures that have ever existed.
·      We clipped your nails for the first time.  There was a drop of blood, but mommy cried more than you did.
·      We peaked in your diapers looking for poops (Austin) and when we found nothing, said “juuuust balls.”
·      We had your first play dates with your new friends. 
·      We experienced several freak outs from mommy because daddy had to go back to work, only to realize that mommy was born to do this and is amazing at being home alone with you. 
·      We changed approximately 16,000 diapers. 
·      We took approximately 16,000 pictures. 
·      We kissed each of you way more than 16,000 times. 
·      We memorized every inch of your little bodies, all of your sweet (and not-so-sweet) sounds, your silly faces, and the way you both hold your hands (Austin in a Heisman pose, Summer like a dainty little princess).
o   Speaking of your sweet sounds, you guys really like to grunt a lot when you’re farting/pooping.  We’re gonna have to work on that before you start hanging out in public places.  It really isn’t all that socially acceptable.
·      We thanked our lucky stars for having your night nurse Grace with us every night. 
·      We thanked our lucky stars even more that we have you guys to wake up to every morning, to hug and love all during the day, and to kiss every single night. 
·      We thanked our lucky stars that this is just the very beginning and we have everything in the world to look forward to.
·      And as mommy says, we fell in love.  Twice. 
Thanks for the best month ever.  Here’s to hoping month two is just as amazing!
Baby Stats
Date/time of birth: December 22, 2011 (Austin: 6:13pm, Summer 6:14pm)
Birth Weight: Austin - 5lbs, 11oz   Summer – 5lbs, 4oz
Two week weight: Austin – 6lbs, 2oz    Summer – 5lbs, 13oz
One month weight: Austin-8lbs, 12oz   Summer-7lbs, 12oz
Birth Height: Austin - 18in   Summer – 17in
One month height:  Austin-20in   Summer 19in

Sunday, January 15, 2012

How to Change a Newborn in 25 Easy Steps

As part of my "baby genius" series on the blog, I will be offering different tutorials to help new parents with the different tasks that emerge when caring for baby.
This will also help non-parents decide whether or not they want to take on the task of actually being parents.

Today's tutorial is about changing a newborn baby.  This is a special time where you can bond with your baby by talking to him or her, singing songs...
The steps below are for a typical changing.  You may notice that a changing can require more or less steps depending on the day.  Or time of day.  And you'll have plenty of time to practice as you'll change your newborn anywhere from 8-12 times a day!

1.  Make sure you have a designated changing area stocked with wipes, diapers, butt cream, baby lotion, a changing pad and potentially a pad to protect your changing pad (it's all about keeping the baby retailers in business, people).
2.  Take unsuspecting stinky and wet newborn to changing area.
3.  Place newborn on changing pad.
4.  Wait for inevitable scream of bloody murder before removing any of the newborn's clothes.
5.  Unsnap newborn onesie and slide the outfit behind the baby's back to avoid poop and pee on the clothes.
6.  Open diaper to reveal mass of stinky, oddly colored poop (insert your own expletive to yell out here.  Holy Sh*t! always works).
7.  Call spouse into the room to discuss the color and consistency of your child's bowel movement.
8.  Ask spouse to Google the description of the poop to make sure it's "normal."
9.  Use a cold wipe to clean the area.  Use 18 more wipes.
10.  Place wipes in diaper and throw diaper away.
11.  Yell more expletives at the diaper champ as you try to throw the diaper away because the bag is overflowing and the lid won't turn for the diaper to go in.
12.  Look back at your infant as a stream of urine flows onto the table and down the nearby wall (depending on the sex of your baby of course).
13.  Use the clean outfit under the infant to try to "catch" the urine.
14.  Wipe the infant and the wall with more baby wipes.
15.  Lift the naked baby to replace the pad that protects your changing pad cover.
16.  Place a clean diaper underneath the newborn.
17.  Use it to catch the stream of diarrhea flowing out of your baby's bottom.
18.  Repeat steps 9-11.
19.  Place a clean diaper underneath the newborn.
20.  Dress the baby in a new onesie.
21.  Spend 5 minutes trying to find the child's arms to pull through the sleeves.
22.  Pick up your baby and admire your handiwork.
23.  Lean slightly away from the baby to avoid the projectile vomit spewing forth from it's mouth.
24.  Use 3 or more burp cloths to clean the spit up off your baby, the floor, yourself...
25.  Repeat steps 20-22.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Through The Baby Monitor

The babies have a sound machine in their bedroom to help them sleep at night.  Which means that through the baby monitor each night I'm listening to a combination of grunty, gassy babies and Darth Vader's ominous breathing.  Let's just say I know why most new parents aren't exactly having a sexy time in the bedroom. 

This past week was Josh's first week back at work, which could be the explanation for why I haven't blogged but it's not.  I was actually catching up on the DVR.  I pretty much do what I did when I was pregnant, except in the company of two infants who are always hungry.  And poop.  A lot.

This morning, because Josh was here, I took my first shower of the week.  Okay, not really.  But my first good LONG shower of the week.  I don't think we'll have hot water until later this evening.  The problem is, even though I'm no longer pregnant, I'm still full of raging hormones.  So every night I sweat in my sleep like it's my job.  I have to wash the sheets every morning.  And I wake up smelling like I just hiked through the Sahara for 48 hours.  In August. 
That might be another reason why our bed isn't exactly the sexiest place on earth right now. 

Today was also my first outing alone.  I left the kids with my poor husband after their 8am feeding to go to the bank and Babies R Us.  You wouldn't think either place would be so exciting but if you happened to be on Ashford Dunwoody Road this morning around 8:45, you would see the crazy girl in the CRV singing at the top of her lungs to country music with the windows down in 31 degree weather like she was heading for a night out on the town.

In other news, my body is slowly returning to normal.  I try on my jeans every day.  And every day, I put on sweats.  I tried to give myself liposuction with the suction-y part of the bottle cleaner but it didn't work.

And for your viewing pleasure, a video of our babies on the couch after we wake them up in the morning right before their feeding.

Friday, January 6, 2012

I'm Holding a Baby, Eating a Sandwich and Typing this Blog Post

In the 2 weeks since becoming a mom, I've done a lot of cool new things:

I turn my babies upside down so I can smell their butts.
I pick my daughter's nose.
I compare my son's features to pictures of monkeys on the internet.
I secretly try to hand off the baby that just farted to my husband.
I've changed my scent from Herbal Essences to 3-hour-old spit-up

I've also seen a lot of cool things:

Last night, baby boy peed across the hall, down the wall and created an actual pool of pee at the bottom of the doorway.  We probably shouldn't use that as a selling point when we decide to move one day.  But it was seriously impressive.

Have you ever seen two babies milk drunk?  It's pretty awesome.

We also had a photo session with our babies like they were rock stars.  Sleeping rock stars.  Who fart with reckless abandon.


Thursday, January 5, 2012

Tummy Time-Ancient Baby Torture or New Wave Strength Competition?

Our pediatrician, all the baby books and everyone I know with babies recommends "tummy time" to help babies develop neck muscles that will help prevent SIDS when babies are in the crib and able to move their own head away from foreign objects.

When I was a baby, we had tummy time too.  Essentially it meant my mom put me to sleep on my stomach for 8 hours or more at a time and hoped I didn't suffocate.  Huge no-no today but interesting nonetheless.

I don't even know if we ever had car seats.  I think my parents just threw me in the back of the car and said we'll see you when we get there.

So now I have a very sweet video to share of us torturing our children.
Have a wonderful day.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Queen of Spit Up and the King of Farts

Here I am.  Back from a 2 week sabbatical.  Well, more like 2 weeks in a whirlwind of twins.
Josh and I have two babies now.  Crazy, huh?
Wear protection, kids.

So here's what you've missed in two weeks.

I showed up at the hospital in my fat suit on December 21st at 9pm.
My feet were huge.  Trust me.

The next day by 3pm, I was ready to push.  An hour of hell later, I was ready for a c-section!

And guess what, the hospital was giving out double the presents!

So here's some fun stuff that has happened in the 2 weeks I've been offline:

Baby Girl has spit up the equivalent of 4,000 bottles.
Baby Boy has peed across the entire kitchen, his nursery, my hand, his outfit, the doctor's table...
Baby Boy farts like he's in a competition.  And he wins.  Every time.
I have lost 30 pounds.
My boobs are the size of a house.  Like an NBA all-star's mansion.
2 umbilical cords fell off yesterday.  They looked like snails.
We've done 3,278 loads of laundry.
I cried.  I laughed.  I didn't pee my pants.
I wear maxi pads like a 12 year old girl afraid of tampons.
I ate sugar.  Lots of it.  See ya' later gestational diabetes.
I tried on my old jeans.  Then I put on my maternity jeans.
I admired my svelte ankles.
I caught baby poop in my hands.
I realized for the millionth time that I have the best husband in the world.
Josh probably questioned his wife's sanity for the millionth time since I became pregnant.
I ate turkey and salami for breakfast because it was there.  And easy.

I fell in love.

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