Today is Rosh Hashana- the Jewish New Year. Josh and I went to services at my cousin's synagogue. We went to the "family service" because it was only and hour and a half. I guess I should say we went to the family service because we're trying to get better in touch with being parents and seeing all the little kids but the truth is, it was only an hour and a half. Even the sermon was "kid friendly" in that it rhymed. But let me tell you, just because something rhymes doesn't make it appropriate for children.
My Little Pregnancy Poem
I went to the doc
With a positive preggo test
The doc said I might be
4 or 5 weeks at best.
He did an ultrasound
And I asked him What's up?
And the doc said, "little lady
You've been doubly knocked up"
"Shut Up!" I told the old man
With tears in my eyes
My husband has super sperm
What a pleasant surprise!
I called Josh at work
To tell him the news
We make double babies!
Two little Jews!
And now here we are
6 months in
Very excited
For our boy and girl twins
Our little bundles
Are of the cutest sort
And based on our last ultrasound
They'll probably be short.
It's not a surprise
That they're vertically challenged
From their cute little toes
To each little phalange. (I know, I know-YOU write a damn poem)
They kick in my tummy
Like wild hyenas
Apparently my insides
Are a UFC arena
With acne and nausea
No Advil or beer,
I can still eat apples and honey
For a sweet new year.
Today I'd like to debut some pointless maternity inventions as well as a couple sure to drive a pregnant lady more insane than she already is.
Dumb Invention #1: Pregnancy Spanx
I may be pregnant but I can still rock some stripper heels
Okay, hate to break it to you, but pregnancy isn't exactly an "I feel great about myself" time period. But I also recognize the fact that my body's going to be the way it's going to be. The last thing I'm going to do is cram my ass into some Spanx (which are already uncomfortable to begin with) while my belly is extending over the visual of my feet. Sorry world, but I'm not exactly concerned if my thighs do a little jiggling while I'm out and about it my pajamas. I'm not exactly out there to try to impress people with my pregnant body. And as a very important side note, my feet haven't seen heels or even wedges in about 6 months. Hate to disappoint but apparently I don't have a career in pregnancy modeling.
Dumb Invention #2: Belly Button "Popper Stoppers"
As if we don't already have body issues during pregnancy, now you're telling me that my protruding belly button is a nuisance? Yes, please! I'd like to pay twelve dollars and fifty four cents for a pack of over-sized band aids to cover up my belly button. I'm sure it will be a life changing experience. I mean, seriously? If people are making money off of this crap, I totally want in! Let's encourage the population of pregnant people to feel better about themselves by covering up their belly buttons! Pregnant ladies unite! Forget about our children's college funds, let's buy over priced ginormous band aids!
Dumb Invention #3: Fetal Heart Rate Monitor
Okay, As if I'm not already psycho enough about what my babies are doing in there-now I'm going to spend 18 hours a day listening to their heartbeats. I'm sure the product isn't recommended for use like that but I can almost guarantee you that the pregnant ladies who have bought this are checking their fetal heart rates like a teeny bopper updates her Facebook status. And the woman in the picture looks so calm and relaxed. In real life, she'd be screaming at her husband, sweat at her brow "I can't hear a heartbeat!!! Call the ER! What do we do? Don't touch me!! You don't know what you're doing!!" Trust me on this one.
Dumb Invention #4: Fetal Kick Counter
This little baby counts your little baby's kicks in your tummy. Sounds cute, right? It's not. It's stupid. This follows along the lines of the fetal heart rate monitor. Another device to drive a pregnant woman insane. And p.s. You could actually just lie there and count the times you feel your baby kick during a certain period of time. And if you really need reassurance, call your doctor and bug him. It's what they're there for. And seriously, we've all been there. Ahem.
We just got the babies' room painted and I absolutely love it and want to move in there and just let the kids have my room. I will post pictures once we finish up some stuff in there. We also got an estimate on carpet for the lower level of the room. The guy sent some samples and I labeled them for your convenience.
I hate that I have such incredible taste because it makes things so incredibly expensive. Trust me, the last thing I am is cheap (Josh can attest to that) but the money tree in our backyard really only sprouts in the spring and I'm going to want to buy a new "I'm back to fabulous" wardrobe, or, more reasonably, an "I'm no longer a polar bear" wardrobe.
In the meantime before we go baby poor, and the tree still has its leaves, I'm going to invest in a couple of these babies for the twinkadinks.
Thanks babies. You rock at life. And I know you'll have good taste like your mommy. Good luck Daddy.
Because I may or may not be incapacitated after giving birth, I have started planning our joint bris and baby naming. A bris is a public circumcision. Apparently, us Jews think it's totally appropriate to lop off the tip of a child's penis in front of family and friends, followed by a full spread of bagels, lox, cream cheese and other edible stereotypes. So after the "whack attack" on our little boy, both our children will receive their Hebrew names and then be whisked away like little celebrities to go nap and probably barf on something.
I've been calling different Mohels (ordained penis choppers) in town to figure out who we're going to use. After extensive research I IMed Josh.
3:25 PM I think I found the person to do our bris
and he's $100 cheaper than the other guy
josh: how much does he cost?
me: $500
3:26 PM josh: ok. no price is too much for my little baby boy to be ok
me: awww sweetie
too bad no one will get to eat
josh: although a doctor doing it for free at the hospital sounds like a sweet deal
me: no sh*t
3:27 PM can't we just pretend to cut it at the bris and then say, "he was so good!! he didn't cry at all!"
nobody gets close enough anyway
josh: i mean, probably
me: hell, if we're doing it that way, i want to perform the "bris"
josh: dont get carried away
3:28 PM me: i don't actually have to cut anything! it'll be easy
remember, i used to do theater
3:30 PM josh: oh yeah
me: and i think my belly button's beginning to pop out
Last night I had a dream that I was making out with Ashton Kutcher.
You know you want me.
No no, not that Ashton Kutcher.
This Ashton Kutcher.
A little hairier but charming none the less
We were making out in a car that had two other people in it so needless to say, it wasn't exactly sexy. In the middle of our steamy session, I reminded him that I was pregnant and expecting twins. He looked at me so lovingly with admiration in his eyes. I emphasized, "In December." His look turned to sheer horror, "You mean in three months?" Ashton turned away, obviously pissed off at me for ruining our fun time so quickly. Maybe he thought he had more time with skinny me? (For some reason in the dream I wasn't showing. I double checked when I woke up and I'm still a polar bear, so we're good.)
Who knew babies could ruin the mood so quickly? So now Ashton and I aren't on speaking terms. I'm wondering if I should tweet him? Send him a quick non-stalker-ish email?
In other news, the linea negra has made a very faint appearance which I am completely excited about. For those of you who don't know what this is, linea negra is Latin for "black line" and is a dark line caused by increased estrogen levels in pregnant women that appears above and below the belly button.
Exhibit A:
This is not a picture of my stomach. My panties do not have little bows on them. My panties do not have a right to be called panties. They are old lady underwear. And my stomach is not so smooth and pretty. I have a light coat of fur on my tummy in preparation for my transformation into a bear.
Now the whole thing about this linea negra is that "experts" know what causes it but don't know what its purpose is. Luckily, I know, and am here to impart my knowledge to you.
Some old wives say depending on how long it runs you can determine whether you're having a girl or a boy. Let me tell you, some old wives are stupid. Here are a few reasons why you have a linea negra:
1. The darker your linea negra is, the more evil your child will be. (This is a fun comparison game with other pregnant women)
2. Back in the old days, they did C-Sections based on the location of the linea negra. Sort of like a dotted line for cutting. Left an awful scar but since bikinis weren't so popular, nobody really cared.
3. It's another weird thing happening to your body during pregnancy to remind you that your children are taking over your body and will soon be taking over your life. Good luck with that.
I'm a big planner. I like to know what's happening in the days, months and year ahead. Josh says I like to plan things when it involves spending money. Josh is one smart cookie.
So, the other day we were in the car talking about a trip to Toronto next summer.
Josh: I looked up tickets and even a year in advance they're over $600 a person
Cari: Well, at least we don't have to pay for the babies.
Josh: Right. They won't even need tickets.
Cari: Yes they will. They'll need tickets.
Josh: Why would they need tickets if they don't even have seats on the plane.
Cari: Well what if people try to smuggle drugs in babies' butts or something?
Josh: What does smuggling drugs in babies' butts have to do with buying a plane ticket?
Cari: I don't know but I think it would be easier to trace the drug babies if they had plane tickets.
Josh: I don't think it would be a very good idea to smuggle drugs in a baby's butt. You wouldn't be able to bring a lot of drugs.
Cari: Well, now I'm kind of stuck on this idea of smuggling drugs into Canada. I mean, it's probably way more fruitful than the lemonade stand idea.
Josh: I think there are better ways for you to spend your time than to think about how to smuggle drugs into Canada.
So now I'm on my own in this whole plan because obviously Josh isn't 100% supportive. I mean, I have a year to plan. That's plenty of time! First I'm going to have to work on getting the kids fake passports with new aliases. And figure out where to get drugs. And I should probably get them some new outfits, maybe ones that involve leather jackets. We could be like The Bourne Identity but with babies. Seriously, I don't know how people have time to hold real jobs when there are just so many other things to be done.
I'm a very important person and lead a very important life. I decided to give you all some insight into what it takes to be me. And awesome. So I've compiled a short list of some of the things I've done since I woke up this morning at 7:30
- Went to the bathroom (remembering I hadn't replaced the toilet paper roll and the toilet paper was in the linen closet)
- Attempted to french braid my cat's hair
- Read an article on how to spray paint furniture
- Went to the bathroom (remembering I still hadn't replaced the toilet paper)
- Sent an early bris Evite to Obama (I know Presidents have to plan way in advance)
- Pulled my pants up over my stomach and walked around like a fat Urkel
- Went to the bathroom (remembering I still hadn't replaced the toilet paper)
- Let the painters in to paint the babies' room while still dressed like fat Urkel
- Headed to meet a friend for lunch and taught my babies every curse word in the dictionary as I hit all of the red lights
- Went to Target and ended up laying on a bench in the store because I thought I was going to vomit.
- Laid in my friend's car while dripping sweat because I really thought I was going to vomit.
- Drove home with my head hanging out my car window like a dog.
- Went to the bathroom (remembering I still hadn't replaced the toilet paper)
- Listened to the painters' radio and tried to learn Spanish
- Went to CNN.com to learn what's going on in the world. (okay, I lied. That didn't happen)
- Walked toward my bathroom but decided to use the guest bath instead because I remembered our bathroom doesn't have toilet paper
- Found yarmulkes from our wedding and decided to dress the cat up like a mohel with a little X-ACTO knife I taped to her paw
- Tried to take pictures of the cat to post on this blog but the camera was too far from the couch
- Wrote McDonalds a strongly worded letter about how long I waited in their drive-thru for a milkshake last Monday
- Called McDonalds to see if they deliver.
- IMed Josh to ask when he'd be home to refill the toilet paper roll in our bathroom
Welcome to the first installment of The Dumbest Inventions Ever. I can't guarantee there will actually be other installments as I have trouble committing to things and get bored easily.
Today's invention is something I have hated for many years but came across today multiple times over and decided I had to blog about it and welcome your comments telling me if you hate it as much as I do or if you love it (in which case I will stalk you and make your life miserable.)
The process of planning for babies is super fun and involves making big decisions like what cribs, car seats, strollers, etc...to get. The stroller thing is important because kids can't walk at first, and then they can walk, but not very well, and then they can walk better, but not very fast. And you need a stroller so your whiny kid will stop saying, "I'm tired! Pick me up! I wanna go home!" Trust me kid. I feel the same way and nobody bought me a cushy $500 stroller.
So today Josh and I went for a walk at an outdoor festival where there were tons of kids and tons of dogs. There were also some dogs that looked like bears but that's another post for another day. Now the one useless item I saw out today multiple times was the doggy stroller. WTF. Why the hell does your dog need a stroller? People have two legs and we can walk fine. Dogs have four freakin' legs. I think that's a decent indication that they can walk.
I am a sissy dog.
So today there were like dozens of these damn things at the festival. A family of 4 even had one for their dog and the dad was the one pushing the stroller. I wonder who wears the pants in that family. I'll give you a hint. It's not the wussy dad pushing the pink puppy stroller.
Another woman with her doggy stroller went to the extreme. She and her dog were actually wearing matching silk floral outfits. Is it wrong to tell people they look ridiculous or would that be more like community service?
So I've decided I'm going to start a campaign for dogs everywhere. I'm in the process of printing shirts and banners for the next outdoor festival. I have a few phrases already but welcome more.
