Fear #1: My daughter will love horses
As I've said in the past, I am not an animal lover. I love an animal on a plate in a restaurant smothered in au jus or in a cage in someone else's house. In my 6 years of teaching first grade, I came across many little girls with a horse obsession. I hate horses. I don't understand how an animal can constantly smell like it's own sh**. Josh and I spent a weekend in Charleston and let me tell you-they have ruined that beautiful city with horse and carriage rides. Any time there was a carriage tour, I screamed, "Ewww! Horse!" and made Josh run across the street with me. Needless to say, I do not need someone in our household cooing over horsey photos and asking if she can have a pony for her birthday. A My little pony is acceptable because it's not real, smells like cake, and is painted. So is a carousel horse. Although carousel horses can make you throw up.
|We are coming for you. You can run but you can't hide.|
Fear #2: Yo Gabba Gabba
I'm hoping by the time my children can register what's happening on the television, that Yo Gabba Gabba is long gone. I mean, seriously? What the hell are those things? Is it acceptable to teach our kids that you can walk around naked with huge red bumps all over you, one eye, and no anatomy? I mean, I know we should teach our kids to be accepting of people that are different, but really?? Where is the appreciation for Sesame Street? Elmo loves you, kids! Of course, with my luck, in about two years, some evil person will bring back the Teletubbies.
|You think we're great but we scare the hell out of your mommy.|
Fear #3: My kids won't like dessert
Strange but true phenomenon that I've heard of. It's probably a very low percentage of children that don't actually consume cake but what will I do?? What if my kid doesn't smear cake all over his face on his first birthday? Well, I know the answer to that. I'll do it for him, take a picture, and for the rest of his life tell him how much he loved the cake on his 1st birthday. Most people would probably be concerned that their children don't eat enough broccoli. But I'm talking about pure joy. Nobody eats a head of broccoli and then leans back with satisfaction and says, "That was some damn good broccoli." But people definitely do that for cake. Is it so wrong to hope that my children get the same joy from eating sweets that I do? I'm not saying we'll be eating dessert all day long (okay, I might be eating dessert hidden in a closet somewhere) but I just want them to understand the importance of sugar.