Thursday, July 28, 2011

Phasing Out The Cat

Let me start off this post with the ugly truth: I am not an animal lover.  I prefer tiny fluffy things that are potty trained and clean up after themselves.  I'm not a huge fan of dogs as their slobber smells like spoiled milk on a hot day and it grosses me out when they poop in public.  Can dogs not be toilet trained?  It's 2011 people!  Where is the innovation?  And don't even get me started on birds, otherwise known as "the most pointless animals on the face of the planet."  If you can dispute this fact, please email me with a well-thought-out list of why birds do have a purpose so that I can pretend to read it and flush it down the toilet.  What animal flies over you making horribly obnoxious sounds and then drops poop on you that isn't even the color of real poop?  Want to go for a car wash?  Sounds great until Mr. Bird comes by and does his doody on your sparkling windows.
So you get my point.  I'm not a particular lover of animals.  I do, however, love my cat.  Not in the "You are my furry child and I discuss you at all social events kind of way," but more in the "A tornado blew down my house, we haven't seen food in 3 days, and I still haven't eaten you" kind of way.  Now I know this is slightly ironic as cats are one of the most hated animals on the planet but I never claimed to be normal, and, when we have guests, I always offer to lock her in the bedroom.
Eden-The photo that inspired what I've been doing for the last 3 months.
So now, in the midst of nesting (sitting on my ass watching reruns of Nickelodeon cartoons,)  I begin a new endeavor: Phasing Out The Cat.  In less than 5 months, we will have two attention-seeking monkeys added to our bunch (no, not real monkeys-just the kids) and Josh and I are both aware that Eden will not be able to receive her usual attention (me brushing her once every three months, Josh pushing her off the couch.)  Therefore we have begun the slow process of pretending the cat doesn't exist.  We are trying to make her aware of what's to come.  

When she meows for food:
 Me: Do you hear something?
Josh: I don't hear anything
Me: I could have sworn I heard something.
Josh:  Maybe it's just the wind.

When her litter needs to be changed:
Me: Do you smell something?
Josh: I don't smell anything.
Me: I could have sworn I smelled something.
Josh: Maybe you just broke wind.

As of now, Operation Phase Out The Cat is in full swing.  We welcome guests and visitors, but when you come, please assist us by ignoring the cat or the fact that we even have a cat.    

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