Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Kleenex, Butterbeer, and Krispy Kreme

In the past two days I've gone through an entire box of Kleenex and my nose is as red as my acne problem.  I know, I make a very pretty picture.  Being sick and pregnant is awesome because you have twice as much stuff to complain about!  My OB was very helpful by suggesting Tylenol and Claritin.  Thanks dude, you totally just saved my life.  But the totally corny truth is, I would endure way worse than this for a healthy delivery.  But I also wouldn't mind a Dunkin Donuts delivery right about now.  When are those people going to get on the ball and start a delivery service?  I've sent several petitions to the county to build a Krispy Kreme in the empty lot diagonal from my house.  Who says houses and businesses can't live merrily together in my neighborhood?
So anyway, being sick and whiny has got me thinking about a few things that I really wanted to do up to this point in my life, haven't done yet, and now will have to wait a bit before I can.  This just means I have even more awesomeness to look forward to.  These are not listed in order of importance, but trust me, every one is super important.

Harry Potter World
I cannot even tell you how sad I am I haven't ridden on a broomstick behind Harry, Ron, and Hermione yet.  Someone actually had the gall to say to me, "Well this is something you can do with your kids!"  Are you kidding me?  I'm not dragging along two snot nosed lovelies to Harry Potter World?  This is about me, people.  I want to ride the roller coasters, buy a wand at Ollivanders and drink butterbeer.  Kids can't drink beer, they're too short for roller coasters and I don't need them slowing me down!  Besides I want to inspire my kids to build their own dreams, find their own inspirations-not steal mine.

It's everything I dreamed it would be.

Dye Blue Streaks in my Hair
When I expressed my interest in having blue streaks in my hair, Josh shook his head-that's it.  Just a standard "no."  Why Josh, why?  Am I too old for blue streaks, huh?  Do you think I'm old?  Oh my gosh.  Do you think I'm ugly?  Why do you hate me?  Am I not cool enough, is that what you're saying?  What if I dyed our kids' hair blue?  No? Not so much?  How about one streak?  Just one?  Like at the nape of my neck...no one will even see it!

Rent out a Roller Skating Rink
I love roller skating like I want to start my own 1970s roller skating club love.  One year for Halloween I went as a rollerskating waitress in a poodle skirt.  It was totally amazing.  And I loved going to roller rinks.  The problem with roller rinks were all of the other people getting in the way of my kick ass moves.  So one day, I'm going to rent out a roller skating rink and have a party.  Great 80s music, couple skate, free skate, reverse skate...

I would totally rock these.

Become a Fitness Instructor/Personal Trainer
Hahahahahahah...just kidding.

Of course there's way more things to do like travel to faraway countries, learn another language, save animals, make world peace and all of those other shenanigans.  I'm just a little tied up right now with this whole Krispy Kreme house lot situation.  And I don't like to leave any problem unresolved.   

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Stomach or Vagina? That's Right, The Word "Vagina" is in The Title of This Post

Yesterday Josh and I had our 6 hour birthing class.  I was kind of hoping that it would be a little bit like when Jimmy Kimmel took Jessica Alba to her birthing class-or at the very least, Jimmy Kimmel would be in ours.

Unfortunately, Jimmy didn't make an appearance but a model of a woman's pelvis sure did!  The class was pretty straightforward although I didn't do very well during the breathing exercise part.  Everyone else was taking it so seriously and I just could not stop laughing.  Eventually I had to go into the hall and wait so I didn't pee my pants.  I wonder if I'll think having actual contractions is as funny as the fake ones were.
So the major topic of class was the process of having a vaginal delivery versus a C-section.  Now, some people get to choose one or the other but many people just have to get that baby out however that baby comes out.  I personally don't have a preference-I'll sneeze them out if that's what the doctor tells me to do.  
But for those of you who do have a decision to make, I thought I'd help you out by giving you the benefits of having a vaginal delivery vs. the benefits of having a C-section.

The Benefits of Having a Vaginal Delivery
1.  Obvious benefit-no one cuts your stomach open
2.  When your kids piss you off later in life you can throw it in their faces that you pushed them out of your vagina
3.  Two words: Push Present
4.  You get to keep an ice pack in your hospital provided mesh underwear-Did somebody say "sexy?"
5.  You get to say "vagina" comfortably in public when everyone asks how you delivered your children
6.  You can brag to all the C-section moms that you didn't just lie on the table like a lazy ass

The Benefits of Having a C-Section
1.  You can know the date ahead of time and send "Save the Dates" to all your friends- Cari is having her stomach cut open on December 15th-join us for the unveiling of her innards!  
2.  When your kids piss you off later in life you can throw it in their faces that you had your stomach cut open to give them life
3.  You can't lift anything heavy for a while afterwards which you can totally milk for all it's worth
4.  For the rest of your life you'll have a permanent "smiley face" etched under your belly button
5.  You don't have to wear double maxi pads in your underwear for the next month
6.  There's a curtain up for your wussy ass husband who passes out at the mere mention of blood

We don't know what is actually going to happen when baby day comes but I can tell you one thing-I am going to complain and whine the ENTIRE time because when else will someone put up with that sh**?

Friday, August 26, 2011

Your Pregnancy Questions and Comments Decoded

Today I went and did a market research thing where I got to play with baby toys and get free stuff and money for it!  I am now super rich and ready for a nap.  At these types of soirees you get to meet a lot of different people and talk about your common interests, and of course, babies.  I don't know why I'm not tired of it yet.  I know Josh sometimes has heard enough. "Can we have just ONE night where you don't talk about buying stuff for the babies?"  Don't worry though, I mix it up with talk of breastfeeding, poop, and all the stuff that I know that makes me superior to other people.
In meeting all of these different people at social gatherings and events, and now having an obvious belly, the talk turns to babies quickly.  The questions and comments are usually similar but always have the same hidden meanings.  I'm here to help and inform.  The following is a list of questions or comments, their real meanings and my answers.

Do twins run in your family?
Did you use fertility drugs or treatments because you were having trouble conceiving?
I have a beautiful uterus and Josh is a sharp shooter.  What can I say?

How far along are you?
I want to judge if your fatness is what I think is appropriate for the weeks pregnant you say you are.
I'm almost 21 weeks.  I've gained about 17 pounds and consume more sugar than is suggested.  I'm assuming each of my kids weighs about 8 pounds now.

You look great!
For a pregnant person
Thanks!  You should see the acne scars on my back!

Do you have names picked out?
How stupid are the names you picked out?
I think we're sticking with Hocus and Pocus.

Are you going to be a stay-at-home mom?
Does your husband make enough money to support you and two kids?
Well, I'm probably going to work from home.  I have this great Ponzi scheme you might be interested in.

Are you planning on breastfeeding?
You're a horrible mother if you give your child formula
I'm totally excited about becoming a human cow.

And speaking of breastfeeding and pumping, I'd like to show you a beautiful picture I found.  

What the Eff?


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Wolf Children in a Closet

Today I had a routine check up with my OB.  I had to pee in a cup. Again.  I don't really know what they're doing with all of my urine but it must be worth something because they freakin' love that stuff.  After I peed in the cup, I had to go back to the bathroom and pee again.  I really like going to the bathroom.  800 times a day. 

Then came the part where the nurse weighs me.  Let's just say I'm glad I went to the bathroom twice before she weighed me.  I gained 8 pounds in 4 weeks for a total weight gain of 17 pounds in 5 months.  I didn't realize how emotional this would make me but I kept sniffling all the way back to the examining room.  The nurse was like, "You're pregnant with twins!  You're tiny!"  People really like to tell you what you look like when you're pregnant. 

Yesterday I was at Crate and Barrel with my friend who was picking up all the supplies for her custom Elfa closet.  The man asked me if I was interested in a closet.  I told him we already had an Elfa closet because we're super fabulous.  He then noticed that we were both pregnant.  My friend smiled proudly and said, "Yeah, She's pregnant with twins!"  He said twins run in his family and his daughter has a good chance of having twins.  I said in earnest, "That's great!  She's so lucky!"  The man responded, "Yeah, we'll see how you feel in a year."  Now I HATE when people tell me what I'm going to feel like so I retorted, "Well, that's why we have the fabulous Elfa storage system-to put our two kids in when they piss me off."  Then I smiled politely and walked away from the counter.  I hope his daughter has quintuplets.
Place children here.  Courtesy of Elfa Storage Solutions.
So eventually the nurse leaves me alone and I'm left to play with my arm hair.  Back when I was about 6 at summer camp they showed us the Michael J. Fox movie, Teen Wolf.  I started crying and the counselors took me out of the room.  They asked what was wrong and I sobbed, "Look how hairy my arms are!  I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a werewolf!"  I'm sure the counselors thought, "Who on earth is this insane child?"  I continued to check out the windows nightly to see if there was a full moon on the horizon. 
Thanks M.J. You scarred me for life.
Eventually the doctor came into my examining room and we had a little chat about my weight.  He told me to limit sodium and sugar.  I felt a new string of emotions begin to take over my body.  With tears in my eyes, I choked out, "What am I supposed to eat?"  He even said to limit my fruit intake.  What the hell is fruit?  Is this guy a real doctor?  He looked at me with a sympathetic expression and asked if I had any more questions for him. 
To be honest the Burka was getting a little itchy and hot so I asked if there was anything I could do about the acne that has completely taken over my face.  The doctor asked me if I'd heard of Benzoyl Peroxide.  All I could think was, "Jeez, this is going to be about as helpful as Tylenol."  I put my hood back on and told him to send me the bill.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Pregnancy Guru

So a lot of people, I mean A LOT of people are coming to me for pregnancy advice because I am the local designated baby genius.  Just as I was planning our move onto the streets from being kid poor, a huge money making idea hit me.  I am now going to be the Pregnancy Guru.  I will sit on the top of a mountain in a grass hut where people can come from far and wide to seek my awesome advice on babies, mothering, and how long you can store pop tarts in warm weather. 
I've already given lots of free advice on this blog on many different topics from a having a fit pregnancy, to eating right and shopping for baby. But I figure now it's time to become extraordinarily rich and stop handing out the freebies.  Well, maybe not just yet.  I feel like it's my duty to continue offering some advice.  What would you do without me?

Pregnancy Acne
Many women deal with this problem wondering what they can do as many acne medications are unsafe to take when you're pregnant.  I have a simple solution: Don't leave your house.  You are scaring small children.  If you must leave your house wear a burka.  Hell, even Barbie does it on her off days.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

There are so many home remedies for nausea it's crazy.  I tried many before finding a real one.  Let's just say most of them made me more nauseous.  Take ginger chews, for example.  As if the nausea wasn't bad enough, I then spent 10 minutes spitting out the remnants of the supposed aid into the kitchen sink to keep from actually throwing up.  So my final advice-find someone else who can feel the pain with you.  Misery loves company.  Don't have another pregnant friend who can identify?  No worries.  I used my husband.  I simply complained for hours and hours on end until I'm positive that he felt as nauseous and uncomfortable as I did.  Worked like a charm.

This sure is a fun one.  The fact is, this one's too gross for me to really touch on.  Simply, just eat what you want and enjoy it because it's not going to be fun coming out the other end, no matter what it is you ate.

Nose Bleeds
Your body goes completely crazy with all the hormones when you are pregnant, including extra mucus and junk in the shnozzle.  This can cause nose bleeds.  You can do the simple act of leaning your head forward and holding your nose with a tissue.  OR because you're pregnant and you may as well have some fun with it, run through a public place screaming as blood runs down your face, "I think I'm in labor! I think I'm in labor!"

Swollen ankles, feet, hands
There are some exercises you can do to alleviate some of the extra pressure buildup but who really wants to spend the afternoon spelling out the alphabet with your ankles? The trick is to spend less time on your feet.  You may say, "but I have to be on my feet! I work all day!"  Simple solution.  Hire a strong person to carry you everywhere for 6-9 months.  Or just marry one.  So much less expensive.  If your husband really loves you, he will stop being so selfish and start pulling his weight-or yours.

Peeing all the time
You can thank your baby for hanging out on your bladder all day for this one.  Fear not!  There are many solutions!
1. Pee your pants. If this is uncomfortable for you, just order a pack of my soon-to-be-on-the-market Maternity Diapers.
2. Have your OB install a catheter.  So much fun, and you get your own urine bag strapped to your leg!
3. Actually get up and walk to the bathroom-I haven't tried this one personally, but supposedly it's very useful.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

What's Up Doc?

Yesterday, Josh and I went to a Pediatrician "meet and greet" to get to know our potential doctor. When we got there, the nurse gave us a free container of Similac (baby formula) and some ugly bag disguised as a welcome gift.

This is sort of like a doctor's version of re-gifting.  Their little Similac rep comes by once a week with a bunch of crap and then they give it to unsuspecting parents-to-be who get all excited about free stuff for their bundles of joy.  I've decided to take all of the free stuff I've received-samples, coupons, magazines, and put it in a basket with a big 'ol ribbon and sell it on Ebay.  I figure it'll be a good way to start our children's college funds.  We will make millions selling free stuff.  And then, on the side, I'm going to become a Similac rep because breastfeeding is nasty.  All the doctors emphasize the importance of breastfeeding and then hand out formula like it's powdered gold.  The hospital likes to subsidize formula with breast milk for newborns who need a little more oomph in their diet.  The hospital rotates between three formulas so depending on when your child is born, he or she can get Carnation, Similac, or some other powdered concoction.  Somebody is making millions.  It's like a formula Ponzi scheme.  That might not make sense to those of you who know more about Ponzi schemes than I do but I like to just say stuff and think about what it actually means much later.

So anyway, the Doc is giving us the rundown on himself, the practice, and all the fun stuff there is to know about planning for your baby's pediatrician.  He keeps asking questions while all of the moms and dads look clueless in response.  I turn to Josh and whisper, "we are surrounded by idiots. How can these people not have heard of Moms on Call?  How do they not know how often your child visits the pediatrician the first year?"  Josh turns away from me.  I think sometimes I embarrass him in public.  The doctor then emphasizes the importance of fruit and vegetables in a kid's diet.  Josh asks how important this is for the mom-to-be while looking pointedly in my direction.  I look at the ceiling and whistle because this conversation just went in the direction of stupid.

We then go on a tour of the facility.  We passed an open cabinet full of free medicine samples.  I was hoping to grab a few handfuls to add to my Ebay basket but it was nearly impossible with all of the roaming eyes.  That's one reason I love my dermatologist's office.  They keep the samples in the drawers of the examining room so when the nurse says, "The doctor will be with you shortly" and leaves the room, I go to town on the freebies.  Josh and I have a healthy supply of dermatologist recommended items stocking our home bathroom shelves.  I recommend if they want to keep making money, they do a better job of securing their samples.  When the dermatologist hands me my prescription, I just smile and pat my bag filled with 6 free months worth of that stuff.

All in all, our experience with the doctor was a good one.  We decided to use him as our pediatrician.  I didn't tell him he has no idea what he's in for, but trust me, he has no idea what he's in for.  

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Krispy Kreme Fail

Today was our weekly jaunt to the grocery store.  It used to be a lot more planned, but since being pregnant I kind of wander around aimlessly searching for whatever calls out to me.  For instance, last week, I could hear the Claussen baby dills calling me from across the store.  Why do they keep those things next to the deli meat?
So for most of my pregnancy I've been craving salty things, which is very unusual for me.  I'm pretty satisfied with my sodium intake this far, although I still haven't had my canned corned beef hash.  I might have to go get that tomorrow when Josh is out of the house.  Josh likes to stand in the way of me and my cravings because he doesn't think they're healthy.  But just recently, I've been back to craving sweets.  I used to run my own baking business and everyone asked if I couldn't imagine eating more cake.  I always looked at them like they were insane.  How on earth could one possibly get enough cake?  So the past week or so, I've been seriously craving some Krispy Kreme action.  Well, today in the grocery store, while Josh was picking out his mangoes, I headed over to look at the legendary confections.  I thought they only had the plain chocolate glaze but with a bit of rifling through, guess what I found?

Hello Lover.
I can eat half a dozen of these babies in the blink of an eye.  Seriously, why can't the whole world be Krispy Kreme glazed?  I put my find in the cart and headed over to the dairy section to stock up on some provolone for my daily cheese sandwich.  Lo and behold, who appears out of the shadows?  My evil health conscious husband.  Some might even refer to him as a "hater."  He doesn't even look at me as he swoops down on the cart like a crazed bat.  As he pulls the box of donuts out of my cart, he says, "Um, sorry.  We don't need these donuts."  I'm like, "Excuse me,  This does not involve you.  We need donuts" (pointing to my protruding belly)  Josh sighs, "Honey, these are 100% sugar."  As a mom walks by with her son, I proceed to kick my husband and whine at him that I need the donuts.  He shrugs and walks away with my sugary prize.  The rest of our shopping trip as he leans down to pick up different items, I push my belly in his face saying in a high pitched voice, "Daddy, why do you hate us? Don't you care about what we want at all?"  Apparently not.  Although, I did manage to throw some carrot cake and birthday cake ice cream in the cart before we left the store so it wasn't a total loss.  I think for Josh's birthday I'll make him a cake out of Krispy Kreme donuts-with a candle shaped like a huge middle finger sticking out the top of it. 

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Can't Infants Just Eat Hamburgers?

Breastfeeding.  Two words turned into one word that make me cringe and sigh with disgust.  Today Josh and I had our Breastfeeding for Multiples class at the hospital.  I was totally not thrilled about this class.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm going to breastfeed, pump, make sure my kids get all of those fabulous nutrients..blah blah blah.  I just think it's disgusting.  Breasts should be sexual not functional.  Many people will disagree with me and talk about the bond they have with their baby and how beautiful it is to be able to give birth and then provide nourishment to their children.  I can provide nourishment-there's a McDonalds on like, every corner in this city.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll become one of those moms that coos over baby as he sucks on my tit like I'm a human cow.  Maybe I'll be one of those insane moms who breastfeeds until sending my firstborn(s) off to kindergarten, tears in my eyes as I'll miss it so...Who the hell am I kidding?  I give it 6 months tops.

Class started at 9, and like our Baby Essentials class, we had two 5 pound baby dolls to work with.  We sat at our table and I noticed we had 2 little girls.  I turned to Josh, "I thought we were having a boy and a girl.  I've heard of mistakes like this happening but how did I not know??"  I also said hello to the girl next to us who was in our last class.  She has the cutest sweaters.  I kind of wanted to nix the class and just ask her to go shopping but it looked like we had already committed. 

The enthusiastic teacher started class by going around and having everyone share when they were due, what they were having as well as their thoughts and concerns about breastfeeding.  Some people were obviously clueless as they are not baby geniuses like me.  Josh eventually had to stop me from whispering all of the answers to their questions to him. 
The woman from the second couple was totally gung-ho about breastfeeding.  She was like a determined marathon runner huffing and puffing her way to the finish line.  It took everything in me not to roll my eyes and fall on the floor and play dead. 
The next woman was a bundle of nerves.  She had questions about every tiny detail.  It was like, "get a private class, will ya?"  "What if I fall asleep, roll over on the baby and suffocate it?"  "How will I know if the baby is full?"  "How will I know if the baby is hungry?"  "How will I get enough sleep?"  "Can I produce breast milk if I'm not sleeping enough?" 
I tried to slit my wrists with one of the baby dolls as she went on and on but apparently they're not very conducive to suicide attempts. 

Finally it was our turn to share our "thoughts and concerns" about breastfeeding.  Josh, polite as ever said, "I just want Cari to feel comfortable about breastfeeding and do what I can to help her."  Way to go Josh-A+.  Thanks for making me look like a complete idiot when I open my mouth 2 seconds later.  The nurse turns to me.  I sigh, "I get the benefits and all that but I just think it's totally gross.  It makes me feel like a human cow."  I swear, Gung-Ho Girl's mouth was open wide in shock in the perfect infant-to-nipple position.  The instructor didn't look all that pleased either.  I put on a perfectly sweet smile to indicate she could move on.

For the rest of class, we learned how babies suck (on the nipple you evil people,) the benefits of a breast pump, and different breastfeeding positions.  Below is a picture of me (a very unattractive picture if I do say so myself-when did I gain like 50 pounds?) doing a double football hold with our twin girls.

Shoot me now.

Josh thoroughly enjoyed my look of distaste.  All I can say is a breast pump and bottles are looking better and better.  There was just one thing about the class that confused me.  I heard there was going to be a fake boob for the instructor to pass around.  I tried to be patient waiting for it's unveiling.  I kept turning to Josh, "When do you think they'll bring out the fake boob?"
And you know what?  They never did!  I waited 3 hours for that thing to debut!  I'm definitely going to write about the neglected appearance of the fake boob when we fill out our email surveys that should arrive in a couple of days.  I think I'm just going to forward this post.  That should about cover everything.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

You Have No Idea What You're in For

A lot of people have told me, "you have no idea what you're in for" in response to my pregnancy.  Aside from the fact that I am a pregnancy and baby genius I find this comment uncalled for.  I don't introduce myself to people and then say, "ps. you have no idea what you're in for by knowing me."  I mean, they don't, but I'll let them figure out my insanity along the way.  Isn't that half the fun?
I mean, if I come at you wielding a baseball bat, you may not have experienced it yet, but you have an idea of what you're in for.
So I'd like to dedicate this post to things I didn't know but experienced and survived.

High School
I had just moved to Georgia and weighed probably a whopping 90 pounds when I walked into the doors of my high school Fall of '94. (I'm 31 people, stop trying to do the math)  In the 4 years I spent there, I peed my pants and had to keep an extra sweatshirt in my locker in case of accidents, I slipped on a pickle in the cafeteria knocking over an entire table and about 20 chairs, and I had my first kiss (totally sloppy and disgusting.)  It was probably some of the best years of my life and I wouldn't trade a single moment.  Okay, I might trade out the time I went and got the Jennifer Aniston hair cut and ended up looking more like Joan Jett and was serenaded throughout the halls with I love Rock and Roll.  

Driving a Car
Oh, the responsibility of driving a car!  I was so nervous the first day my mom took me out and I either stopped 20 feet before the stop sign or 20 feet after.  Now that I just roll stop signs it's a lot easier.  I practiced driving like a pro and read all of the DMV books.  On the day of my driver's test, I got a perfect score on the written exam and a perfect score on the driver's portion-yeah I aced that sh**.  And then one week later, I got in an accident in a parking lot where my statement on the police report was, "I just didn't look hard enough." I JUST DIDN'T LOOK HARD ENOUGH?? What the hell was wrong with me.  I'll tell you what the hell was wrong with me-I was 16.  and guess what, I survived!! Here I am, a couple of speeding tickets later and no worse for the wear. 

Teaching 1st Grade
People say dealing with one baby is difficult-try twenty 6 year olds!  It was actually very similar to having my own child, I suppose.  I got hugs and was told, "I love you" and I also got thrown up on and screamed at, "You're not my mom!"  I tied shoes, buttoned pants, re-did pony tails, opened pudding snack packs, and while my kids were at PE, I would turn off the lights in my classroom and sleep under my desk.  And walking in on my first day, I wasn't exactly sure what I was in for, but guess what?  I didn't only survive, I had a blast!

 So to all those nay-sayers out there.  Let me find my own way.  Let me talk like I think I know everything.  And if I don't I'll figure it out soon enough.  And if you want to stand there, shaking your head with that "I told you so" expression, feel free.  But just be warned, there may come a time where I drop off two screaming babies at your house unexpectedly while I go shopping at the mall.  Now who doesn't know what they're in for?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Pay Me Money Abercrombie & Fitch.

So for those of you who don't keep up with the latest groundbreaking news (Where's your American Pride?) I wanted to update you on a huge story.  Today it was announced that teenie bopper clothing line Abercrombie and Fitch has offered cast members of the Jersey Shore "substantial payment" to stop wearing their clothes.  Apparently the esteemed Abercrombie executives didn't appreciate the Jersey Shore image being tied to their clothing line.  Okay, HOLD THE iPHONE!  Abercrombie is going to pay Jersey Shore cast members to stop wearing their clothes??

I've decided to get in on the action. 

Check me out Abercrombie & Fitch

Don't like what you see Abercrombie Execs?  Don't think your clothes are so flattering on us pregnant people, huh?  You want me to stop?  Do ya?  It'll cost you.

Thank you LFO for providing the theme song for this post.

I've Gone Viral, People!

Okay, so I'm now a little famous.  Not to brag but PEOPLE EMAIL ME ABOUT MY BLOG.  What does this mean?  Aside from being awesome, it means it's time to bring out the big guns!  Facebook and Twitter, here I come.  You can now stalk me on twitter @twinkadinks.  You can also follow me on Facebook at this weird looking link: http://on.fb.me/pJlA26. 
Let me tell you why Twitter is awesome-one word: HASHTAG.  What does this mean you ask?  It means you make a # sign and add any word after it and people can group tweets based on that #.
For example, "My clothes are now covered in #babyvomit."  If this were on Twitter right now, you could click on the words baby vomit and find all of the other tweets about baby vomit.  Can the world get any cooler??  I'm going to hashtag the crap out of twitter.
So now that I'm the queen of the internets, I would like to complain a bit about security.  I'm not talking about real security, I'm talking about, "I don't get the point of this. How is this helping anyone?" security.

Exibit A:
What the hell is this you ask?  The above words are the words I am supposed to type when posting a link on my facebook page.  We should all thank our lopirlises that the internet geniuses have made posting links to your own page so impenetrable. 
Maybe all of the people running internet security have Pregnancy Brain. 

In this space there should be an Exhibit B but instead of continuing this post, I am going to make myself a cheese sandwich. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Staying Fit While Pregnant

Many doctors and other highly regarded people in magazines stress the importance of having a healthy pregnancy.  Aside from getting all of your food groups (I checked-Pop Tarts are, in fact, a vegetable) it's good to do something physical every day, whether it be a walk, a yoga class, or water aerobics. 
I have stuck to a pretty strong regimen making sure I workout every day.  For those of you who are pregnant and not as incredibly fit as I am, let me walk you through some of my routines so you can see how you too can become a fat n' fit diva (I'm totally getting that patented for my new pregnancy workout DVD collection)

Walking is great for the body and soul.  It gives you time to contemplate all of the many things going on in your life.  Now, being pregnant, you are surely very busy so it's important to do double duty.  This will prepare you for motherhood.  I have different walking paths I take-one in Target, one in Lenox Mall, one in Perimeter Mall...  Just look around your neighborhood!  There are beautiful places all around you to go walking!  And the best part about walking in a mall (aside from the obvious) is that you can stop at your local Pretzel Time for a quick pick-me-up.  Walking is hard work! 

Yoga is super easy.  It's like stretching.  Yesterday I had to reach under a book case for a piece of Pop Tart I dropped.  Yoga for the day-check!

Water Aerobics
I took a shower this morning and shaved my legs. 

People say that if you were a runner before pregnancy you can actually still run throughout pregnancy.  Seriously?  You're carrying around a huge beach ball (not filled with air, mind you) and you actually want to go running?  Instead of putting on your Nikes, how about you run over to your therapist's office and have a little chat about your need to bounce around your neighborhood like an insane person?

Make sure you have the proper gear for working out as well.  Your body has changed and you need to make sure your pants, shoes, sports bra all fit well.  I didn't really want to invest in all new workout clothes since I would use them for such a limited time.  So I made a very smart and financially healthy sacrifice.  In order to save money for our children, I will not work out.  I know it's hard to give up so much of yourself so soon but it's great practice as babies take a lot out of you.  (Seriously, do you know what comes out of you when you give birth? Another post for another day)  So sit back, relax, and watch that belly grow!

Monday, August 15, 2011

A Year Older and Totally Awesome

Today I celebrated my 31st birthday.  I did this in true pregnancy fashion by being totally normal and pleasant while at our doctor's appointment and having a nice lunch, and then throwing a hissy fit over a chair.  My husband loves me.  He also probably wants to kill me.  Let's just say it's been quite a day, and quite a year for that matter.  There have been many accomplishments between 30 and 31 and I'd like to share some of them with you now.

This year I:
- ate over 15 boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese
- gained back the 10 pounds I gained my senior year in college-this time it was babies, not alcohol and french fries....okay, maybe some french fries.
- renovated our house- Well, I told people what to do while they renovated our house.
- got pregnant with twins.  I didn't do it by myself but I'll take half the credit.
- learned to complain in multiple ways-it's important to switch it up so no one gets bored.  Complaints should be new and exciting and equally annoying every time.
- moved into my very own commercial kitchen space!
- think I'm in the process of developing cankles.
- moved out of my very own commercial kitchen space.
- watched every season of over 15 tv shows on the internet.
- got seasick on a boat in Kauai.
- ate over 10 jars of pickles.
- started a fan club for corned beef hash in a can.
- colored my gray hairs with a permanent marker.
- bought at least 15 pairs of shoes.
- opened my own private Swiss bank account to secretly support my shoe habit.
- used the words "my son" and "my daughter" without laughing (okay, I totally laughed but I'm working on it)
- said the F word over 500 times.
- cleaned our house once.
- colored in a coloring book with Josh.
- drank over 200 cans of diet coke.
- ignored Josh 150 times when he told me why I shouldn't be drinking diet coke.
- ran 3 miles.

This new year ahead has a LOT of surprises, spit up, and tiny baby clothes with cute little footies and I'm excited to blog all about it!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Dogs vs. Babies- A User Guide

Many of you are probably asking yourselves a very common and important question-Should I have a baby or should I get a dog?  I know what a big decision this can be and I am here to help!  I have set up a sort of comparison between the two to help you make the best decision for you.  I'll tell you right now, based on my personal, vast experience.  Both are a lot of work and a lot of reward.  And no matter what you decide, there will surely be a lot of poop.

Eating Habits
For a while, both babies and dogs have a pretty simple diet.  They eat pretty much one meal repeatedly whether it be dry dog food, breast milk, or formula.  (The breast milk and formula are for the babies.)  In the early stages, dogs eat out of bowls, while babies eat out of boobs or bottles.  Eventually, however, babies too can eat out bowls.  Either way, babies' food always requires more dish washing so make sure you consider this if you have an aversion to washing copious amounts of dishes.

Going on Walks
Both babies and dogs enjoy going on walks.  Dogs can walk themselves but they have to be on a leash.  Older babies who can walk themselves have also been seen put on leashes but they have bad parents.  Dogs go on walks because they enjoy them and because this is when they go to the bathroom.  Both babies and dogs, coincidentally, enjoy urinating and pooping in public.  But babies wear diapers until they are potty trained.  You potty train a baby around 2 years old but dogs are potty trained much sooner.  Either way, both have accidents at times.  And you can't just give them away for that.  You have to be patient and loving.

Caged Animals
When it comes to bed time, many people put their dogs in kennels while parents put their babies in cribs.  Unless your pets or babies are super geniuses they pretty much have to stay there until someone lets them out.  During the day, both dogs and babies do have a habit of falling asleep everywhere.  Although, people tend to get more annoyed when their babies don't sleep than when their dogs don't.

Clothing Optional
I would like to say that babies wear clothes while dogs don't but this isn't always the case.  There are some strange people out there that put their dogs in clothes and others who leave their babies naked.

Play Time
Both babies and dogs love to play.  They both slobber, chew on things, and like squeaky toys.  You can find these toys at baby stores or pet stores.  They are pretty much interchangeable.  Just don't tell your friends that your baby is chewing on something that you bought her at Petsmart.  People can be judgemental and mean.  I, for one, would end our friendship on the spot and talk behind your back about what a horrible parent you are.

Bringing a baby or puppy into your life is a big decision.  I would have chosen to have a dog but I don't like animals.  So I went with baby and was surprised and so lucky to get babies!  And every day when Josh talks to my stomach and I feel them wiggling around in there, I know I made the right choice*

*Disclaimer-Please pardon this rare moment of gooey sweetness.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Preparing the World for Babies

There are a LOT of things to plan for before baby or babies come.  Aside from the obvious of preparing a personalized beautiful nursery (moms) or just a place for the kid to crash (dads) there are plenty of fun decisions to start making.

1. Newborn Photographer There really is only one debate on this issue-the money...Any newborn is going to look adorable sleeping in an old canvas sack with a huge knitted hat with bear ears on his head.  But can I tell you that if you want actual photographs after the session (not just the joy of watching your child being photographed) you can spend anywhere from $500-$2500!  I guess I'll have to find a nice trash can in the alley above our cardboard box beds to hang our new canvas prints of baby.

2. Mohel This is obviously a religious option, unless by chance you want to have a ceremony where all of your family and friends come and watch your child's teeny peenie get circumcised.  The advantage of having this ceremony, of course, is all of the food that's involved and the chance to dress your 5 pound child in an outfit that will no doubt look ridiculous because he doesn't naturally fit into clothes yet.  Also, an added bonus, this is the day your son has his first alcoholic beverage.  On this same day, our daughter will have her baby naming and I'm thinking we might give her a swig of Manishevitz as well to take the edge off.

3. Finding your Pediatrician Josh and I are going to our first pediatrician interview in a couple of weeks.  I've prepared a list of questions to ask at our "meet and greet."
- Do you offer ear plugs to parents when their children are getting shots?
- My husbands tends to get woozy at just about anything dealing with blood and body parts.  Can he be in charge of all appointments because it amuses me?
- Do you have baby scrubs here?  Because that would totally enhance our visit.
- Can parents have lollipops too?  I'm the one who drove them here.
- Do you have any "hot" doctors here?

4. Getting Organized Once babies are born, you are best off keeping a chart of all of your newborns' habits from eating to sleeping to pooping to peeing.  I can't tell you how excited I am to document the color and texture of my children's poop.  I figured this would be an important task and I should prepare early.  So, behind Josh's back, I've been keeping a chart of all of his habits.  It's a little hard when he's at work and requires quite an extensive interview each evening when he gets home.  He also doesn't always let me look in the toilet after he goes to the bathroom so I have to make certain assumptions.  But for the most part it's going well.  Josh is a healthy growing boy.

5. Night Nurse  For any new parent, especially those expecting twins, a night nurse can be a huge help as well as a huge expense.  A friend said, "Those who said money can't buy happiness have never had a night nurse."  I don't doubt this, I'm just not sure we'll be able to get another cardboard box for her.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Beautiful Changes OR What the Eff is Happening to my Body?

Last week I went bra shopping with my mom because I didn't own a single bra that fit me anymore.  It was sort of reminiscent of middle school when I insisted I needed bras because all the other girls in gym class would see me without one.  So my mom and I ventured out to get the "AAAA kiddie bra for flat chested girls who don't want to be embarrassed in PE class."
Of course, now I have gargantuan boobs (TMI? read another blog, people) so bra shopping needs to be done with a specialist.  So, EVERY bra the lady puts on me, my mom says, "Oh! I have that bra!"  I turned to my mom and said, "You are so not helping telling a 30 year old that her 55 year old mom has the same bra."
Eventually I left the store with my two "old lady" bras and a hefty price tag only, I'm sure, to have to return again in a month for bigger bras. 
(I want to give an "I hate you" shout out to Victoria's Secret for stocking such limited sizes and horribly unsupportive bras)

So the true point of this post is to enlighten you to the fact that 1. If you are pregnant, your body is changing and 2. If you're not pregnant, sit back, enjoy a diet coke and some raw sushi, and laugh at your friend's pockmarked face and horrible posture.

The many ways my body has changed in the last 4 1/2 months:
Huger Boobs 
This would actually be way more awesome if I didn't have the stomach to go with them.  I considered using my new endowments to start stripping and making some baby money but I think my stomach would get in the way of the pole.
Furry Tummy
I think I am turning into a bear.  I hope I get to give birth before the transformation is complete.
I walk like a duck
Ok, I sort of walked like a duck before pregnancy but I wanted to throw this in there so that now people can just attribute it to my pregnancy.
So I think the only advantage to the amount of acne I now have (and can we say backne? WTF) is that people will think I'm younger and maybe vying for a spot on MTV's 16 and Pregnant. 

I am so excited because there are so many more weird changes ahead, like a dark line under my belly button, bigger feet, and chipmunk face.  Don't know what these are?  Have no fear.  I will give you all the details in due time...

Monday, August 8, 2011

I've Got Class

Yesterday Josh and I took our first pregnancy class.  These, of course, are all for Josh as I am a pregnancy genius.  This was the "Baby Essentials for Multiples" class.  The class was 3 hours long so I armed myself with sandwich crackers, a poptart, water and a sweatshirt and we headed out the door. 
When we got to the class the teacher welcomed us and told us to pick up two baby dolls to bring to our "work station."  Since it had been 20 minutes since we left the house, I told Josh to get the dolls while I went to the bathroom. 

When I returned we had a little boy and little girl at our table-each weighing exactly 5 pounds.  Let me tell you, giving birth was easier than I thought it was going to be!  The little girl had a wide open mouth and big blue eyes.  She was a little freaky but I chose her to be the baby I would hold until I would eventually get bored with her and tell Josh to switch.  I stuck a permanent marker in her mouth and said, "No baby!  We do not eat permanent markers."  Then I slid her across the table and said, "You are not our favorite child."  Then I freaked out a little and turned to Josh.  "OMG, Josh.  This is so embarrassing.  Our little girl is wearing the same outfit as that couple's little girl!"

At this point, I think Josh was ignoring me and class was about to start, so I forgave my little girl for trying to eat a Sharpe and held her lovingly in my arms while checking movie times on my iPhone. 
The teacher went through all of the basics like swaddling, diapering, bathing, and placating two newborn babies.  There was also a really exciting moment when she passed around a laminated sheet showing newborn poop in different stages.  I don't know how these newborns got a hold of pesto or mustard but apparently they did.  Note to self...hire someone to change my kids' diapers.
Josh and I switched babies as I wanted some time with our boy.  He had eyes that opened and shut.  I leaned him toward Josh and let his eyes slowly open while saying in a whisper, "I'm going to kill you."  The couple next to us had a little Caucasian girl baby and an African American boy baby.  I turned to Josh and said, "I'm no expert but do you think we should tell them one of those babies might not be theirs?" 

I sat up straighter because the teacher began talking about clothes.  I expected some conversation about baby layettes and the essentials babies might need in different weather.  But it turns out, all the teacher wanted to talk about was dressing your kids alike.  I'm not one to dress my kids alike as they are people, not baby dolls, but everyone has their own opinion.  Also, and more importantly, if you are having two babies of the same sex, you have twice as many clothing options if you don't dress them alike!  More is more my friends. 
So the teacher started talking about her own twin boys and strongly stated, "If you want to dress your children alike, start early."  She was saying that one of her 7 year old boys was upset when he dressed in the clothes she laid out for him and walked into the kitchen to find he matched his brother.  I was like, no sh** lady!  Your son doesn't want to walk into his 2nd grade classroom in the same outfit as his brother?  Behind the teacher a picture of twins wearing blue and green outfits with matching hats was on the projector.  She turned to the screen and gushed, "Aren't these outfits the cutest?"  I whispered to Josh, "Those outfits are hideous.  That woman is not allowed within 50 feet of our chidlren."

We left the class with our baby DVD and books, armed to conquer the baby world.  Next week, We take a breastfeeding class.  I'm sure it will be very enlightening as I learn how I too can be a human cow. 

Friday, August 5, 2011

My Big Ass Belly and Tiaras

So my latest obsession is TLC's Toddlers & Tiaras.  It is insanely ridiculous which makes it insanely awesome.  The best part of the whole show are the tantrums.  "Oh, my daughter just loves doing pageants" as her two year old is pulling her hair out and screaming bloody murder on the dressing room floor.
Look at me mommy!  I'm 45 years old!

So, as I'm watching, I decided that I totally need to enter a maternity beauty pageant.  I want the whole thing-tantrums at all.  Trust me, I can throw a damn good tantrum.  I just love the idea of a bunch of pregnant women waddling on stage to compete for "Best Dressed" or "Ms. Congeniality."
People say that pregnant women are glowing.  Have you seen a pregnant person lately?  "Glowing" was me on my senior year spring break cruise in my cute bikini.  Now I would describe me more as "paling with a spattering of acne."
And yet I'm still totally about this maternity beauty pageant idea.  The grand prize can be a crown and a year-long Weight Watchers membership.  We could compete in categories like "Biggest Circumference" or "Maternity Swimwear."
So this blog may be short-lived as I move into the world of Maternity pageants and become a multi-millionaire encouraging pregnant women to show off their "glow."  I guess I'll have to start looking for bigger sashes.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Registering for Dummies: A Helpful Guide

Welcome to Registering for Dummies! 
Yesterday I spent 2 hours with an incredible baby expert registering for a bunch of crap for my babies.  (On the way to the store, I felt tiny sensations of bubbles popping on both my left and right sides.  I immediately called Josh to tell him that I think the babies know we are going shopping!!!)  And let me tell you, I am totally excited about all of this crap.  Okay, maybe not the extra nipples for the breast pump.  Those aren't really all that thrilling. 
I first had to sit at a registry counter with a very enthusiastic lady and fill out some papers about me, Josh and the twinkadinks so they can punch everything in their system and you can find me online and buy me all the things I won't be able to afford because our babies are going to make us homeless. 
During this 15 minute registry process I went to the bathroom three times.  My bladder apparently was totally against me being there.  Eventually I told my bladder to eff off and just peed my pants while walking through the baby monitor section.
After finishing up the paper work, the lady gave me all this advice that I don't need because I am 4 1/2 months pregnant and know everything I need to know about babies. 
I went through the store with the magic scanner (I am totally going to buy one of those) and scanned countless things that would keep my babies safe, full, occupied, dry, clean, looking snappy, and all around happy so that I can do the simple things like bathe and brush my teeth when I have two 6 week old babies hanging out.  I think my registry totalled up to something like $24,000.  I may have done the math wrong but it's probably pretty close.  By the way, Josh may be a total math whiz but I just don't think the kids have a chance.  Can you sign up infants for remedial math classes? 

So now I offer you some registry advice to help you out while you're standing in front of a wall of burp cloths ready to pass out and wet from having peed yourself in the baby monitor section.

Scan the big things first
These are the most important.  And while you may think that those socks that look like mary janes are the cutest things in the entire world, and they totally are, you can't exactly strap your kid safely in the backseat of your car with a bunch of socks.

Scan scan scan
You're pregnant. You have no idea what's going on half the time.  Just scan everything you think you might need or want and then go back online later and make sure you didn't register for 45 boxes of baby wipes.

Don't be afraid to test out items
Not sure if that Bumbo is comfortable for baby?  Sit in it!  Don't worry.  People do it all the time. 

Ask Questions
They don't even have to be relevant!  It's really nice to get attention when you're pregnant.  So start a conversation with a store employee so you can turn it around and talk about yourself.  There is nothing more fun than talking about your unborn baby for hours on end.

I could give you more advice about baby registering but instead, I'm going to go eat my Stouffers spinach souffle.  I don't know how it's possible for them to stuff that much fat in a vegetable dish but they surprise me every time.  I love you Stouffers.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Eat This Not That

There are many people out there telling you what to do and what not to do when you're pregnant.  Well, I'm here to tell you how to do pregnancy right.  While some may not agree with my methods, they are morons.  Today we are discussing all of the foods you shouldn't eat while pregnant and some (ahem) healthier alternatives. 

Food to Avoid: Sushi
What the "Experts" Recommend: Vegetarian or cooked sushi
What I recommend: Fruit Roll Ups

Food to Avoid:  Lunch meats or hot dogs
What the "Experts" Recommend:  Heat to at least 160 degrees
What I recommend: Double bacon barbecue cheeseburgers topped with onion rings (vegetables are important during pregnancy)

Food to Avoid: Seafood high in mercury
What the "Experts" Recommend: Salmon, tilapia, shrimp
What I recommend: Swedish Fish

Food to Avoid: Lead
What the "Experts" Recommend: Check your tap water resource
What I recommend: Aw crap, I've been eating solid lead for weeks now.

Food to Avoid: Unpasteurized dairy products
What the "Experts" Recommend: skim milk, mozzarella, cheese labeled using pasteurized milk (duh)
What I recommend:  Whole blocks of cheddar on a sleeve of Ritz crackers

Food to Avoid: Excess caffeine
What the "Experts" Recommend: less than 200 milligrams a day
What I recommend: Coffee ice cream

Food to Avoid: Herbal Tea
What the "Experts" Recommend: Not herbal tea
What I recommend: You're seriously craving herbal tea while pregnant?  What is wrong with you?

Food to Avoid: Alcohol
What the "Experts" Recommend:  No level of alcohol has been proved safe
What I recommend: Virgin Lava Flows-that's a pina colada mixed with a strawberry daiquiri.  What what!

Food to Avoid: Excess Calories
What the "Experts" Recommend:  Choose foods that do double duty by providing the additional calories you need, as well as the extra nutrients that maximize your baby’s development. (Thank you WebMD)
What I recommend: You suck WebMD

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Today I Don't Feel Like Doing Anything

So I have the incredible fortune of being able to stay at home while pregnant.  This doesn't mean I don't do anything.  Okay, for the most part, I don't do anything.  So I've decided to accompany my pregnancy with a theme song.


Thank you Bruno Mars.  Every event in life should have a theme song and you just made the list for this one.
Now, unfortunately, doing nothing can only go so far.  I mean, I have responsibilities! Like, yesterday I threw away hundreds of plastic hangers.  And I did a load of laundry.  I know, I'm like Wonder Woman, right?
So Josh wanted me to bake a cake for a friend.  I didn't want to bake a cake for anyone.  Not even a wonderful friend.  Josh wasn't exactly thrilled with me as we IMed while he was at work.
Josh: Can you please just bake the cake?
Me: I don't want to bake a cake.  I'll have to make everything and find piping bags and go to the store and clean it all up.
Josh: I'll clean it up.
Me: ugh. 
Josh: You're at home all day.  I think you can do this one thing.
Me: Fine. I'll make the damn cake. What do you want for dinner?
Josh: Don't be mad honey.
Me: I'm sorry. I don't know what my aversion to this cake is.  I'm sorry I was being a brat.
Josh: ok
Me: You're supposed to say, you're not a brat honey, you're a beautiful human being and I love you no matter what.
Josh: I do but you were being a brat.
Me: You smell like month old cheese.

As you can see, we have very adult conversations and always solve our problems with words like big boys and girls.  And the truth is, I wasn't sorry for being a brat but I just wanted to end the stupid argument and buy a cake at Publix.  And I will bake the damn cake.  But first I have to watch last night's episodes of Secret Life and Switched at Birth.  I just feel like it's so hard to get everything done with so few hours in a day!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Baby Mama

I seem to be reverting back to childhood behaviors.  Maybe this is part of preparing for my children.  If I behave like a child I'll be more likely to accept their behaviors.
A couple of the behaviors I've adopted:

I pee my pants
This is a fun one!  I pee my pants when I laugh too hard, when I sneeze, and sometimes when I'm just too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom.  I think I'm going to patent a maternity diaper.  It can be next to the cord blood pamphlets at Pea in The Pod.  That way when people are considering spending thousands upon thousands of dollars to save their child's cord blood, they'll look over and be like, "Hey, these maternity diapers are $10!  That's a way better deal!"

I eat food off of the floor in a public place
Yesterday at the grocery store, I got a delicious sample of a fudge brownie in a cute little plastic cup with a spoon.  I ate it as we left the store but my spoon fell in the parking lot.  Before Josh or I knew what was happening, I was picking up the spoon and putting it back in my mouth.  It was like slow motion as Josh lunged forward to stop me.  I didn't really realize what I was doing until it was too late, and looking back on it, I have no regrets.  You should never waste any bit of a good brownie.

I know there are many more things that I'm sure will come up but I'd like to share with you some of the things that I've always done or ways I've always been but I'm now going to begin to blame on pregnancy, and in the future, blame my children for. 
I have no filter  I embarrass friends and family when I speak loudly in public, whether it be about my period, the gross couple sitting next to us, or anything having to do with sex.
I have trouble with simple math  Adding 2-digit numbers and up is not my forte.  Okay, I even have trouble with the single digits sometimes.  But that's why I'm having children-they can do my math homework for me.
I watch the Disney Channel  I have no explanation and feel no reason to defend myself.
I whine when I don't get what I want  This is Josh's favorite thing about me.  He thinks it's endearing and cute.

As you can see, I am slowly becoming a pregnancy expert.  Don't be jealous, just think of me as a pregnant Dali Llama- a pregnant Baby Mama, or what have you.  Come to me with your questions and I will supply you with creative answers and superb educated guesses.  I'm looking forward to the journey, my fabulous readers!
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