Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I Bid you Adieu Pregnancy...

As the pregnant days draw to a close (count them- 1 1/2 left!) I must reminisce about my 9 month experience.  Here is a list of things I will miss (or not) about being pregnant once the little ones are born:

1.  peace and quiet
2.  people saying, "You look so small (FOR HAVING TWINS)!"
3.  spending the first 3 months of pregnancy preparing cakes in my commercial kitchen then crying in the
     car while they baked and I tried not to throw up
4.  checking my blood sugar like 800 times a day
5.  not sucking in when posing for pictures
6.  maternity clothes
7.  cankles
8.  sleeping on my side
9.  bacne
10.  4 hour long showers because I can't reach my legs to shave them
11.  my hot doctor
12.  Josh talking to my tummy
13.  little kids pointing at me and saying, "Mom! Look!"
14.  Talking about my cervix
15.  baby hiccups in utero
16.  eating multiple cans of Israeli pickles
17.  Pop Tarts
18.  walking to the bedroom with my pants around my ankles because I just peed them.
19.  crying at Father of the Bride II
20.  going to the bathroom twice in every store while running errands

It's all sort of bittersweet.  But not really.  Get the babies out.  I am so done.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Come, Babies, Come Babies, Babies Come Come

Months ago, Josh and I decided that December 17th would be the babies' birthday.  There was no real reason for this date.  We just thought it sounded good.

Apparently our babies don't know what a birthday is.

So I've decided to make some arguments for why our children should stay in the womb vs. getting the hell out.

Listen up babies!

Reasons to Stay in my Belly
1.  It's like being in a pool all day long.
2.  You can pee then drink it.
3.  Nap time is any time.
4.  Your mommy's voice is always muffled.
5.  You don't have to be potty trained or clean your room.

Reasons to be Born
1.  We've already spent so much money on you.  You should come out and enjoy the stuff we've bought.
2.  We have McDonald's out here.  And donuts.
3.  I want to dress you up like rock stars.
4.  Your dad looks like a Jewish Matt Damon.  It's worth seeing in person.
5.  Do you really want to share a room forever?
6.  Two words: The Bachelor (premiering Monday, January 2).
7.  Your mommy wants to wear her old jeans.
8.  The Sharpie mega pack.
9.  We will wipe your butts.
10.  Don't you want to meet the cat before her demise?
11.  You have baby Uggs.  BABY UGGS.
12.  In the spring, Cadbury makes Creme Eggs.
13.  Your Daddy will sing to you in his gorgeous falsetto.
14.  We have a subscription to People Magazine.
15.  Copious amounts of chocolate-because we are rich and can buy as much as we want.

Need I say more?

Friday, December 16, 2011

Stupid Shows I Will Not be Seeing

Everyone knows that life after baby, or in our case, babies, changes dramatically.  We won't be going out so often or have the freedom to make last minute plans.  The lack of freedom might upset some new parents but I'm actually very excited that I won't be exposed to the crap that will be showing in Atlanta in January:

1. Cavalia/Odysseo-the live Cirque de Soleil-like horse and human show.  If that doesn't turn you off, their website's description might:
The spellbinding show is a renewed tribute to the relationship humans and horses have forged over thousands of years. With our faithful companions by our side, we have travelled to the four corners of the globe, built bridges between cultures and brought people from all over the planet closer together. Odysseo is a singular expression and celebration of this exceptionally moving journey.

I seriously just threw up in my mouth.  And I don't think it was the acid reflux.
Did I mention how much I hate horses?

2. War Horse (a movie directed by Steven Spielberg)
IMDB description: Young Albert enlists to service in WWI after his beloved horse, Joey, is sold to the cavalry.
My description: a ridiculous love story between a boy and a smelly horse

I don't really have anything else to say about this.  ET was cuter than this horse. 

I once told Josh that I didn't understand the importance of horses and he brought up this whole barfy argument about how they were the first mode of travel and communication between people and a way to trade with other communities. 
ET was cuter than Josh, too.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Longest Pregnancy Ever.

I know I haven't blogged in a little while but I've been really busy.
I've spent the last however many days trying to convince Josh to take me to the hospital. 
I call him at work asking if he'd like to have dinner in the hospital cafeteria.
I IM him and tell him my back hurts and we should probably head over to the hospital.
If I can't find something, it's probably at the hospital and we should drive over there and check.
Let's just say it's been a long week.  Mostly for Josh. 

I'm 37 weeks tomorrow and apparently the babies are really comfortable-like warm blanket in front of a fireplace on a cold winter's day comfortable.  Oooh, with hot chocolate and mini marshmallows!

This morning Josh and I went to the OBGYN to check on the status of my body and babies.
Body=huge.  Babies=not coming out anytime soon.
But he did stick his hand up there and feel the babies' heads.  Because that's normal, right?

I asked Josh if he wanted to feel the babies' heads later.  I mean, if we're bored.

So I'm probably going to be induced next week.  I can't wait to meet my babies.  And go to the hospital.  It may sound weird but my hospital is awesome.

I've visited several friends who have had their babies recently at the hospital.  It took everything in me not to push them out of their beds. 

Do you know at my hospital a lady with an apron comes in and takes your meal orders?  How cool is that?  I decided Josh and I should practice that at home just so I can get used to it.  I'll lie in bed and he can wear one of my aprons and take my dinner order.

Until then, I'm just going to sit here and focus on the fact that I still look like the Great Pumpkin and that my children will likely be Hanukkah miracles.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

My 15 Seconds Revisited

The other day I told you all that I made my debut of awesomeness on Live with Kelly.  And today I actually have a video of Kelly Ripa saying my name and reading my letter.

I realize in the grand scheme of things that this isn't all that fascinating.  But hey, I got on television by sitting on my couch.  Not so shabby.

And now I'm off to change the world.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Josh Deserves a "Dealing with the Psycho Bitch" Present

Many pregnant women expect a "push present" after carrying and delivering baby.  This can be jewelry, something engraved...pretty much any bauble you can put a price tag on and some sentimental value.

Well, I've decided that my husband deserves a "dealing with the psycho bitch" present.  Aside from blaming my craziness on the obvious pregnancy hormones, I think I'm just plain crazy.

Last night, I got up to go to the bathrooms and peed ON THE WAY.  Apparently, I truly need a diaper now.  I wasn't even laughing.  It just happened.  Then I realized, all my "fat" underwear were in the laundry as well as my comfy pajama pants. 

So I threw a full-out fit.  I hit the wall, I threw my pajama pants on the floor and I cried.  I tried on underwear and then screamed that they were too tight as I stuffed them back in the drawer.

Josh offered to do my laundry.  I told him no but he did it anyway.  Then I yelled at him for doing it wrong. 
Then I spent 5 minutes pulling at the waistband of my pants willing them to stretch as I tossed and turned all over the couch groaning and whining.

Finally, I did what any reasonable person in this situation would do.  I asked Josh to get a knife from the kitchen and perform a C-Section on me.  I yelled, "I WANT THEM OUT NOW!  GET THEM OUT OF ME!!"

At this point, I was exhausted and I'm sure Josh was ready to leave for a 2 week vacation to the Bahamas.  So I stopped huffing and puffing and tried to relax with minimal complaining.

And here I am, a day later, back to "normal."  Josh probably walks in the door every evening wondering who's going to greet him at the door-the woman he fell in love with and married, or the incredible pregnant hulk.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Maternity Photos and Financial Discussions

The other day we got our maternity photos.  I was very excited!  (Who would've guessed I'd be excited to get fat photos?)  Unfortunately, these are photos of photos but you get the idea...
It was about 40 degrees and I had a cold.  I make colds look sexy.

www.kristinleighphotography.com (shout out)

I look so contemplative.  Like, "Where the hell did this huge gut come from? I don't remember eating beach balls."

Josh and I decided to get an 11 x 14 print of our favorite:

So now we have this gorgeous black and white photo and I decided we needed a beautiful handcrafted hand painted wood frame to go with it.  And since I don't do wood carving and neither does Josh, I explored the web.  For days.  And I finally found the perfect frame. 

I don't think Josh recognizes how valuable the time I put into this is.  And what an amazing online researcher (shopper) I am, as evident by our IM conversation below:

11:40 AM me: josh?
 josh: yes honey
11:41 AM me: we got our engagement photos
  i mean, maternity
 josh: what?
  oh, ha
 me: i'm pregnant
 josh: how'd they come out?
 me: and i came to the decision that we need to buy that beautiful frame
11:43 AM i know it seems pricey but it's actually practically free
 josh: oh yeah? i'd love to hear the logic on that
 me: well, imagine if i wanted to buy 5. i only want 1! see how simple that is?
11:44 AM josh: oh
11:45 AM me: we just saved like $400 plus shipping
 josh: totally
 me: so it's settled
11:47 AM ahem
11:48 AM josh: yes?
 me: can i buy it?
 josh: i thought we were gonna try to not spend a ton of money the next few weeks
 me: i totally wasn't in agreement on that stupid conversation
11:49 AM josh: ha
  we'll find a good piece of wood
 me: thank you, lumberjack  So now I have to find secret money to buy the frame.  Because Josh obviously doesn't understand the value of a dollar.  Money is for spending.  On frames.  Expensive ones.  With pretty edges. 

Monday, December 5, 2011

Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Today we had our 35 week appointment at the Perinatologist. 

The big news of the day-our kids have hair!  Apparently our little boy has lots of hair.  It was flowing in the amniotic fluid (Picture Fabio on a hot summer's day).

The only thing that was a little disconcerting was the placement of our children's beautiful locks.

me: You mean, our kids have hair already and you can see it?

nurse:  Yes! He has lots of hair.  See it there?

me:  Um, sure.  I think.

nurse:  Right there, on the back of his head.

me: Wait, hold up.  On the back of his head?  Like a mullet?

So apparently, I'm about to birth hick babies in a couple of weeks.

This leads me to rethinking the whole bris decorating scheme
Should I maybe do an outdoor picnic style celebration with trash can hunch punch and a pony keg? 

Friday, December 2, 2011

Yes, I'm Famous.

So today, I made my television debut on Live With Kelly.

I wasn't actually ON the television per se.  But I was mentioned.  By full name.  And Kelly even pronounced my last name right.  She's a rock star. 

And she said my name while sitting next to the dashing (albeit unavailable) Neil Patrick Harris.

I love you both.  And Neil, can you please tell Josh how adorable sweater vests are with ties?

The reason Kelly mentioned me on air this morning is because I texted her about her earlier discussion of cockroaches and animal testicles. 

I thanked her for ruining my breakfast.  Don't get me wrong.  I still ate it.  It just wasn't as enjoyable.

I can't find the clip online but trust me.  It would have been way better if I was actually ON the show.  Next time.  They're sure to hear about me soon and ask me to guest host.

I'm already gearing up for the fan mail.  I should probably get a P.O. Box so people don't start stalking me.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

'Tis the Season

Well, folks.  It's December.
Great things are happening this month.
It's Christmas!  It's Hannukah!  The babies are coming!

This is the month where I light Hannukah candles and listen to Christmas music.  I'm a Jew who's a sucker for everything Christmas. 

Like Christmas in the Mall!  Who doesn't love walking into Macy's in December?  With the wreaths hanging and all the shiny jewelry just calling out to you, "Buy me!  Spend all your money here!  Don't worry, you have a money tree!"

It seriously is the most wonderful time of the year.  Until New Year's Eve.  And then Valentines Day and every other holiday because I love celebrations.  And cake.

So I was looking online for places to go see Christmas lights.  I have a lot of free time on my hands and don't know if I'll even go see Christmas lights but I at least wanted options.

Well, turns out there are lights and carriage rides in Piedmont Park in midtown.  Let me tell you the problem with this option, as romantic as it sounds.  Carriages are pulled by horses.  If you're a reader of my blog you know a simple fact about me.  I hate horses.  I have listed the reasons before but let me just give you my favorite one.  Horses smell like their own sh*t.  I mean, I probably wouldn't hang out with a person that smelled like that so I don't understand why horses should be any different.

So I'm still looking for good light displays.  Preferably ones that go with music.  And maybe have a menorah and dreidels.  I'm all about equal opportunities.

In other news:
We got another baby gift yesterday.  Sort of.

Here is the packing slip that came with the gift:

Based on the packing slip, I suspected 2 slip covers for our babies' Boppy pillows.  (Don't get me started on stupid baby product names-Boppy, Bumbo, Binky...)

But instead, this is what came in our package:

Way to go Babies R Us.  You rock at shipping.  And, even more disappointing, these say for ages 6 and up.  So the babies can't even use them yet.

I am thoroughly disappointed and totally buying a nerf gun to shoot Josh in the head.
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