Thursday, December 6, 2012

There is no Santa, Asshat.

So as you may or may not know, I'm a Pinterest junkie.  Seriously follow me.  I rock at pinning.  And shopping.  And shopping for things I pin.  And eating cake.  But that's neither here nor there.

Often, I come across pins that are just plain stupid.  You might think they're sweet or sentimental, like the one, "30 ideas for Dads of little girls," which suggests picking posies together in fields of fluffy bunnies and rainbows while Pachelbel's Cannon plays from naked baby angels peeking through the clouds above...

But really, they're just stupid.  With the Christmas season upon us, and me being a frustrated Jew feeling like I'm missing out on all the mistletoe and glass balls, I found the following pin which I couldn't resist sharing.

A letter to your child who asks about Santa:


Seriously?  Did anyone else just barf on their MacBook keyboard?

"Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness??"  Are you effing kidding me?  A Krispy Kreme donut is love and magic and hope and happiness.

In order to leave a little mystery to your Christmas fantasies, I'm not going to divulge the real truth about Santa.

However, if I were to write a letter to my kids about Santa, it would probably go something like this:

Dear Kids,
First of all, don't you think it's weird that you asked me a question and I decided to make you wait while I formulate a response on paper?
You asked if Mom and Dad are Santa.
1.  The answer is no.  We're not Santa.  There's no such thing as Santa. 
2.  We're Jewish.  Go fry some potatoes.
3.  We'd like to reconvene in a couple of years to discuss the tooth fairy.
Chag Sameach,
Mom and Dad

Monday, December 3, 2012

One Month Shy of One Year Old!

So here we are.  Almost one year into my babies' lives and I'm posting for like, the fifth time.  Maybe in their second year I'll make it a point to blog more.  Or maybe I'll use all my free time to sit on my ass watching Gossip Girl and Dawson's Creek on Netflix.  There's always that shiny new year excitement before Auld Lang Syne slowly fades way to a more crowded workout establishment and shorter lines at my local Krispy Kreme.  Luckily I have almost a month until I have to make my new year's resolutions or the resolution to make no resolutions.  Obviously I have a lot to think about.  Without further ado... the hubs.


Month 11
Austin and Summer,
When I was growing up, and for most of my life, I’ve been full of ambition.  As a very young kid, I went to work for your Papa in the Variety Sales warehouse during the summers, pulling orders off the shelves in 100 degree heat because I loved the idea of getting paid at the end of the week.  A few years later, I started going to sleepaway camp during the summers, but that didn’t limit my entrepreneurial spirit.  I used to borrow a few comic books from a friend at the beginning of the summer, play poker for comics with my fellow campers, accumulate hundreds of comic books, and then sell them back to the other kids when their stashes were getting low.  In high school, I always had a job or other gig that was bringing in some money.  College was mostly the same, typically through the stock market, which was exploding at the time (though you should know that the stock market doesn’t always go up, and I wasn’t always a winner).  And then after college, I took about the most ambitious job I could possibly find, becoming an investment banker and working over a hundred hours a week most weeks.  Then about a year ago, I joined a startup company because I loved the idea of participating in something entrepreneurial and the thought of hard work trying to build something from the ground up was always exciting to me. 
I did all of those things because they either furthered my career, or because I liked money, or both.  And the truth is, I still want to further my career and I still like money, but since you guys came around, I’ve found myself wanting to be with you and your mommy more than anything else.  Even with my flexible hours, I’m still gone from the house most days from about 7-5.  You go to sleep at 7, so that only leaves about 2 hours that we get to spend together.  Some days it’s even less if traffic is bad or I have a conference call that starts late or some other similarly lame excuse.  My best salvation those days is the texts from mommy of photos or videos of you guys that at least give me some pseudo-interaction with you while I’m gone.  But that severely pales in comparison to when I get home at the end of the day and open the garage door and mommy says “Daddy’s home” and I hear both of your little hands pounding on the floor as your crawl your way over to me with those huge smiles on your face. 
This month, we got to spend lots of extra time together when your mommy took her first trip out of town since you were born, heading up to New York City for a long weekend with NaNa and Aunt Aimee.   Being home alone with two 11 month olds probably would have made a lot of dads in my situation a little bit nervous, but honestly, the thing that I was most concerned about was picking out your clothes (that is strictly a mommy job unless it’s a Saturday during football season).  Knowing that was my biggest fear, mommy laid out your clothes before she went and left the rest up to me.  It turned out to be such a fun few days for us.  We had some great help from your Nana, Aunt Aurora, and the first visit from your Uncle Greg.  But for the most part, we just spent the weekend together hanging out.  We played together in the playroom, ate tons of your favorite foods, took some long walks together in your stroller, and even did bath time every night (though you bathed separately instead of together).  And as much as you guys became even more attached to me during those few days (Austin, you are definitely going through a major “daddy” phase right now), the reality is that I also became so much more attached to both of you.  I didn’t even think that was physically possible, but somehow it was. 
We had lots of other fun stuff happen this month, too.  You turned 11 months on Thanksgiving Day, which brought with it a bunch of visitors to Atlanta.  In addition to the whole in-town crew, you got to spend a lot of time with your Sabba, Aunt Shira, Uncle Ari and his girlfriend Lindsay, who all stayed with us, and your NaNa and Papa were back in town, too. 
Summer, I think Thanksgiving was probably the best day of your life so far.  To say that you are a good eater is the biggest understatement of all time.  You literally grab your food by the handful and shove it into your mouth.  It doesn’t matter the food or the combination, you just love to eat.  It’s extremely adorable, especially since you’re such a dainty little princess.  Austin, the gruff linebacker, likes to eat his meals bite by bite, making sure he knows exactly what is going in his mouth, but Summer just piles it in without any regard for, well, anything. 
Other newsworthy items from the month:
·       You’re both sort of saying words.  Austin, you’ve definitely said “ball” quite a few times and you even occasionally say “hi” as you wave hello.  Summy, every morning coming down the stairs, you try to say “cat” when you see Eden.  Your pronunciation isn’t perfect, but it’s the effort that counts.
·       Speaking of the cat, you’re both pretty obsessed with her.  You crawl around the house following her wherever she goes.  It’s pretty cute, and mommy and I are glad that at least someone loves her.
·       Summy, you absolutely love books.  When mommy picks out a book and asks you guys if you want to read, you coming crawling right over with a big smile on your face and sit and listen for a really long time.
·       Austin, you got your first ear infection.  You were pretty unhappy for a couple of days but once you went to the doctor and got on medicine, you went right back to being yourself.
·       You both have your bottom two teeth, with Austin’s top two really starting to come in and Summy’s just peeking through.
A few other things to document, just so we make sure to remember them and see how you change over time:
       Austin, you have the sweetest, most pleasant demeanor.  You have this incredible smile and way of lifting your eyebrows that makes it seem like you’re always in on the joke, if not the one making it.
       Summy, your demeanor can depend on the day.  You’re definitely a bit easier to please than Austin.  But when we get you going with a tickle attack, you have the most incredible giggle fits of all time.  And even when you’re not being tickled, your smile with those two bottom teeth is as great as it gets.
       Austin, you’re also an extremely sensitive sleeper.  When mommy and I come to check on you guys before we go to sleep, Summy barely ever even stirs.  You, on the other hand, almost always let out a big breath, sometimes rolling over and even opening your eyes at us.  It’s really cute, but most of the time it leads to mommy and I running out of the room before you really wake up.
       Summy, you are the best 11 month old eater of all time, but your manners could use some work.  You pretty much love anything we put in front of you, to the point of grabbing a huge handful all at once and stuffing it all into your mouth.  You rarely swallow before stuffing more in.  Austin eats very neatly, always picking up a very specific piece of food before gently dropping it into his mouth.  At the end of most meals, Summy looks like she just finishing rolling around in garbage while Austin looks like he just came out of the bath.
It’s hard to believe that this time next month I’ll be writing about your FIRST BIRTHDAY, but amazingly that is the truth.  Time really does fly.
Love,
Daddy

Month 10

I suck at blogging.  But my kids don't suck at being babies.  They're sort of awesome at it.  As told by my husband, Josh.

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Month 10

Austin and Summer,
These monthly notes I write to you are, in many ways, the baby book we are keeping for you so we can look back and remember how we were feeling and what you were doing at different stages of your first year.  Since some months can feel pretty similar to the previous one, certain entries are harder to write than others.  You may be doing different stuff and of course our love for you grows every day, but to simply write about that can feel really repetitive.  And honestly, monthly love letters would be kind of boring for you to read about in the future.  So, I think I’m going to take a slightly different approach this month and write about an experience that I had. 
On October 7th, I ran the Chicago Marathon, which I’d been training for over the past 6 months or so.  This was noteworthy for two main reasons: 1) I ran a marathon, and 2) it was the first time since you were born that I went out of town over night without you. 
This was third marathon I’d run, and I trained harder for this one than either of the previous two.  In my first two marathons, the results were mixed.  I finished my first marathon (the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington DC) in basically 5 hours due to some unforeseen circumstances and a really bad day.  Right after that race ended I thought I’d never run another marathon.  But months later I realized I still had unfinished business to tend to, so I started training again and ran my second marathon (the Atlanta Marathon) the following year.  My goal was to break 4 hours, but I finished in 4:00:04.  It was a huge improvement, but I still had more to accomplish.  That’s why this year I trained even harder, with lots of long runs, plenty of speed training, and even giving up dessert for the two months leading up to the race (which is not easy to do around your mommy).
On race day, the first 20 miles went amazingly well and I was on pace to finish in 3:30, which would have been an incredible time for me.  But the last 6.2 miles, I got a ton of cramps and really had to battle through some serious pain to keep going.  I ended up finishing in 3:41, 19 minutes better than my last race. 
So, why give you all of that detail?  For a couple of reasons.  First, you should know that while it is easy to want good things to just happen, more often than not you have to work really hard to achieve things that will make you proud of yourselves.  And sometimes even when you work incredibly hard for something, the results still aren’t exactly what you’d hoped for.  And you know what?  That doesn’t even mean that you’ve failed.  It just means you experienced a journey along the way.  And if the goal you were trying to achieve still seems appealing to you, you should use that experience as motivation to get right back up, try again, and succeed the next time around. 
I also wanted you to know that during those last few miles, when it got really tough, I thought about you guys and was able to keep going because I wanted to do my best for you.  Your mom and I talk all the time about how proud we are to have you as our babies.  And as you grow up and your list of accomplishments gets longer and longer, we’ll only grow prouder.  But something I’d never really spent much time thinking about was the other side of things.  And the reality is, I want you to be proud of me, too.  I know you’re much too young right now to understand what that means, but hopefully when you’re old enough to read this by yourselves, you’ll understand and you’ll even think that your dad has done some pretty cool stuff in his life. 

As for being out of town, I had a great time on my trip and I was busy for most of it, but I was definitely very excited to be back home with mommy and my two little monkeys.  We talked via Skype a couple times a day, so I was able to see you guys eat and play, even if you were confused about why daddy was inside of mommy’s computer.  Of course mommy had no problem at all being home alone with you.  But this month mommy is going out of town for a few days, so hopefully I’ll be able to report back with the same level of success when she gets home from her trip. 
As for this month…Austin, I think it’s always kind of up for interpretation as to what a baby’s true “first word” is, but we’re pretty sure that you said “ball” this month.  I was at work and mommy was holding a ball when you made a “ba” sound.  I’ve seen it happen several times since, so we’re pretty convinced it’s for real.  I don’t know if this means you’re going to be some kind of amazing athlete or if you’re going to walk around with your hands in your pants all day (you already like to do that in your bath every night), but we’ll find out soon enough.
In other news, you also got your first haircut this month.  Your sideburns were starting to look like payos and it was driving your mom crazy, so we went to some fancy salon and you got to sit in a firetruck and get your hair cut.  It was actually pretty uneventful, so rather than describe the whole scene, I’ll just let you watch the video.
Summy, you finally got tired of seeing Austin move and shake all over the house while you sat and watched, so you decided to start crawling too this month.  Now you’re all over the place, too.  You also started dancing to music.  Mommy has been taking you guys to music class and it seems to really have resonated with you.  Anytime we put on music from one of your toys, particularly the ABC’s, you start moving back and forth to the music. It’s pretty damn adorable.  And you also starting clapping your hands this month, so whenever we say “Yay, Summy!” in a real excited voice, you clap your little hands and give us a huge smile. 
Can’t wait to see what you guys do next month!
Love,
Daddy

Sunday, September 30, 2012

9 Months and Fabulous

Who can believe the babies are just 3 months shy of a year?  That probably isn't nearly as surprising as how much I suck at blogging.  I think the last time I blogged, my kids were still in diapers.  Okay, they're still still in diapers but you know what I mean.

Take it away, hubs...


Month 9
Austin and Summer,
The other day we were with your cousin Brandon and something came up in conversation that made us explain to him that a few weeks of time in the life of a baby makes such a difference in what they are doing because at 9 months old, two weeks is about 5% of your entire lives, whereas for the rest of us, two weeks is pretty much just two weeks.  That conversation made me reflect a little bit on the past year.
Last September 22, I was working at CNN.  Your mom was about 5 months pregnant.  We were living in Brookhaven.  I could watch football pretty much whenever I wanted.  And your mom liked when I went on 3 hour training runs because it meant she could watch whatever crap TV she chose.
This September 22, I am working at Sharecare.  Your mom is obviously no longer pregnant.  We are living in Dunwoody.  I basically haven’t watched any football this year aside from Canes games and the Saturday night games that start after you guys are asleep.  And those 3 hour training runs now can’t end soon enough for mommy because that means I’ll be home to help out with you crazy kids.
For any normal adult, that’s a MASSIVE amount of change.  Like, the most change humanly possible to experience in a year.  But 9 months ago, you guys were tiny little creatures that were only a quarter of the size you are now.  You could barely eat.  You slept in two hour increments.  You couldn’t move at all. 
And now you’re starting to get so big that you’re almost not even babies anymore.  Austin, you are crawling and are able to get pretty much wherever you want to go.  Summer, we played music on one of your toys yesterday and you were totally dancing to it.  You can both stand up for long periods of time if you have something to balance on.  You’ve both traveled internationally.  You both eat real adult food.  Like, full-on, adult taste bud kind of food.  You’ve eaten fajita seasoned chicken and rice, coconut curry chicken, Italian sausage and bell peppers, butternut squash and sage tortellini, Israeli salad, pumpkin risotto, and so much more.  You have become, dare I say, real people.
Every time I look at you guys and see you do something new or unexpected, it makes me so proud to be your daddy.  Sometimes it’s also easy to get frustrated.  Like when Summer cried for two straight hours when we were at Rosh Hashanah dinner because she hates being around people.  Or when Austin tries to pull out Summer’s hair every five minutes of the day because it’s there.  But then I remember that you’re just these little people who are still learning how the world works, and all that frustration goes away because, just when we think you might have turned into some kind of devil-child, you go and do something hilarious or adorable and totally redeem yourselves.
It’s all part of this crazy parenthood thing.  We want you to stay at this age forever because you are so perfect and we can’t imagine it getting any better.  But then a week later we realize that it’s only gotten that much more fun.  We can’t wait for all of the amazing adventures we have to look forward to with you.  We just hope it doesn’t go by as fast as these past 9 months.
Love,
Daddy

What else happened this month?
You guys dressed up in Canes outfits for the first four games of the season (we went 3-1 and our only loss was the game where mommy dressed Summy in the wrong outfit)
Daddy got a year older
Summy had her first medical procedure.  She got her tear duct opened, which I initially thought would be a major part of what I’d write about this month but ended up being a lot of unnecessary nervous build-up for your mom and dad but ultimately just a 90 second procedure that went perfectly well


Your NaNa and Papa came to visit (again)
You started music class and go every week with your Aunt Aimee

Vital Stats
Nine month weight: Austin – 18lb, 14oz; Summer- 17lb, 3oz
Nine month height: Austin –  27 3/4in      Summer – 26 1/2in

Sunday, August 26, 2012

8 Months!

Happy 8 months to my drooly, snotty, lovely monkeys!  This month has been their sickest month yet and they've totally rocked it with hacking coughs and 2 foot strings of snot.  But through this all, they've remained geniuses, continuing their work with Einstein's Theory of Relativity and DVF's new fall line for New York Fashion Week.

Heeeeeere's Josh!

Month 8

Austin and Summer,
For the first time since you were born eight months ago, the biggest excitement was actually about someone other than you guys.  This month (actually last calendar month), you became older cousins for the first time when Aunt Rhianna and Uncle Jason’s baby girl Scarlett was born.  Just like you guys, she came out happy, healthy and perfect.  And now you’ll always have a cousin that’s just about your age for you to be best friends with.  Family get-togethers are officially now taken over by baby insanity.
Speaking of always having best buddies, it looks like the love affair between you guys is starting to take shape.  You now absolutely interact with each other, laugh at each other and talk to each other pretty much all day.  It’s ridiculously cute for your mom and I to be sitting on the couch while you guys are in your bouncers and to hear you start laughing because of something the other one did.  I don’t think anything is better than the sound of you guys laughing at each other.  You also started this adorable game where Austin will start squirming towards Summer and just when he gets within reach, Summer rolls the other direction.  Austin pursues, Summer rolls, you both laugh.  Over and over.  It’s pretty freakin adorable.
You also officially became international travelers this month.  You went on an airplane for the second time, and this time you made it all the way up to America, Jr.  We went to visit family in Toronto and you got a chance to see your Sabba, Aunt Shira, Uncle Gilad, and lots of other great-aunts, great-uncles and second cousins.  I think it’s safe to say that everyone instantly fell in love with both of you, and you have a lot of fans up in the Great White North.
In other news this month, Austin, you have officially gone mobile.  I wouldn’t exactly call it crawling at this point (it honestly looks like you’re doing The Worm), but you can definitely get from point A to point B without much trouble or hesitation.    Especially if there’s a cell phone or computer that you’re trying to get to, you can move really fast.  I’m not sure if that means you’re going to be some kind of tech genius or if you’re just going to be the kind of kid who is always distracted, but both are definite possibilities at this point.  Summy, unless you’re playing the game from above, you like to just sit on your ass and watch Austin wiggle his way around the room.  No crawling on the immediate horizon for you.  Like father, like son; like mother, like daughter.  
You both also ditched your bottles this month in favor of sippy cups.  It’s actually pretty impressive that you guys are capable of holding the cup, deciding when to drink from it, and feeding yourselves.  This is also important because it allows your mommy and me to ignore you for a few extra minutes a day so we can do really important stuff like text people and/or look at Facebook/Twitter.
Other stuff to memorialize from this month:
·       You now both have two teeth
·       You both now talk up a storm.  Your favorite sound is “da” which is nice because when you say it repeatedly, it becomes a series of “dada’s”
·       You’re still fantastic sleepers
·       You both went to your first visits to the doctor for being sick.  You’ve had a cold that won’t go away, but besides the ridiculous amount of snot, it doesn’t seem to affect either of you
·       I wouldn’t say Summer’s stranger danger issues are officially gone, but you seem to be dealing much better with new people and crowds.  You’re well on your way to becoming the social butterfly we all know you’re going to be

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Perks of Being a Mom

Sometimes being a mom is hard work. 

I've been covered in vomit, pee, poop, snot and weird unidentifiable goopy substance that came from somewhere on my kid's body. 

I've been strolling through Target where the only sound that could be heard for miles is the shrill ear-splitting scream of my darling baby girl.
Do I stop my shopping and admit defeat?  Hell no.  It's go time. They're having a sale on Krispy Kremes and there are new Halloween Sprinkles in the dollar bins. 
Shriek on, little one.

Along with the obvious joy of having children that are gorgeous geniuses, and aside from the strange bodily fluids, there are some pretty cool things about being a mom.

1.  You now have free rein of the Carpool Lane.  So long suckers...I get to drive somewhere faster than you because I'm carpooling with babies.

2.  You can ask for a free toy/cookie/balloon for your kids and reap the benefits of having babies with no teeth.  Thank you Publix supermarkets. 

3.  I now have a stroller that can hold two babies, a diaper bag, a full day's worth of a shopping haul, a large diet coke and an ice cold Frappucino.  Stop and ask me about my amazing stroller.  You won't be the first.

4.  Allow me to introduce you to my Marc by Marc Jacobs Pretty Eliza Diaper bag.  Need I say more?
5.  You can now rightfully judge those women you see as unfit mothers because you have experience.

6.  You can compete with other moms to see whose baby hits different milestones first.  And if it's not your baby...well that other baby can suck it.

7.  Baby shoes.  Tiny, absolutely pointless, probably serve no purpose but to destroy my child's feet before he can walk, baby shoes.

8.  Accessories.  Babies are like accessories with accessories.  Double the fun.


9.  You get to plan a 1st birthday EXTRAVAGANZA!  And all of the other birthdays.  And each year you get to add a zero to the end of the budget from the previous year ensuring that your child will have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah priced in the millions.  If you're not Jewish, seriously consider converting when you have kids.  Did someone just say themed party with a candy table??

10.  And really, one of THE only reasons to have babies.  Tushies.


And don't forget the most important thing about being a mom.  You're still you.  You can still do all of the things you did before you became a mom. 

Do I still lean my head out the window and honk and whistle while the high school boy's Cross Country team runs by?  Hell yes I do.

Monday, August 20, 2012

How to be an Awesome Mom

You might be wondering how I do it every day with two babies that are the same age.  Let me tell you, it's a lot easier than you think.  All it takes is a little patience, a dash of love and a ton of awesome.

Just follow these 10 simple steps:
1.  Do "work" on your computer when your kids are playing so you don't notice when one spits up so that when you look up 5 minutes later there is spit up smeared across the entire playmat and both your children's faces.

2.  When your kids pee on their outfit, gauge how long it will take to dry and compare that to how long it will take you to pick out a new outfit.  Then ignore what I just said because math is hard and let your kid play in his pee pee outfit.

3.  Laugh when your kids fart because it's never going to stop being funny.

4.  Even though you're not leaving the house, change your child's outfit 8 times or until you find something slimming.

5.  When your kids are sick, don't fret.  Sickness comes with snot bubbles.  Snot bubbles are funny like farts.

6.  Teach your children early how to spend smart by taking them on multiple shopping trips a week.  Say it with me AM-EX AM-EX...good babies.

7.  Use nap time wisely by watching reruns of Party of Five.  You should never try to do something productive because as soon as you do, nap time over.

8.  Always wear white when feeding your babies.

9.  Try all the baby food.  Just don't let the babies see you gag on the "Spring Vegetable Mix."

10.  Never stop taking photos of your kids to remember all of the little moments.  Like when you're holding a spoon of sweet potato puree up to your child's mouth and he sneezes.


Monday, July 30, 2012

Seven Months of Diapers x 2


Another monthly post from Josh for your reading pleasure...


Austin and Summer,
When I was a kid, I used to have a recurring dream.  It was the only one I ever had, and I could never figure out why I had it.  I would be running (which was odd, because I never ran any distance longer than a fewer hundred feet at a time back then) and my legs would get so tired that they essentially stopped functioning and I would have to grab only stationery objects and propel myself forward in order to keep going.  If I had a psychic with a crystal ball analyze those dreams, she probably would have told me that it meant I was stuck in a rut and desperately trying to work my way out of it.  But I was like 12 years old, happy as can be, without a problem or worry in the world, so clearly that wasn’t the case.  What’s odd is that ever since I started actually running, that dream has never made a re-appearance.  I guess I’ll never know what those dreams meant or if they meant anything at all, but I’ve been reminded of them watching you two recently.  You’re just on the brink of crawling, but instead of actually being able to move yourselves along the ground to wherever you want to go, you’re still in that stage where you lie on your stomachs, push with all your might with your arms and legs, but the only thing that happens is you flop around like a seal going nowhere.  It’s pretty damn cute, but we know it’s not going to last for long and any day now your mom and I are going to be chasing you around the house as you crawl in opposite directions from one another, wreaking as much havoc as possible.  Ahh, good times on the horizon. 
Onto other news from this month, you’ve both become champion eaters.  Summy, you even eat the green stuff at this point, although every so often you do some really dramatic gagging motion/noise combination to let us know that you’re ready for the sweet stuff now, please.  You’re just like your mommy, except that she’s old enough to just skip straight to the Krispy Kremes without having to fake it on the veggies.  Austin, you’re pretty much like daddy.  You’ll just sit there quietly awaiting your next bite, not really caring so much what it is as long as it’s going in your stomach. 
You’ve also become experts at sitting up.  Watching you guys “play together” while you sit up and grab different toys is an amazing treat for me and your mom.  The best part of it is how your personalities shine through.  Summer, since the day you were born, you’ve been our sweet, soft little princess.  I literally used the word “dainty” in the email I sent to everyone to announce your births only hours after we met you.  I don’t think there’s a word in the English language to better describe you.  When you pick up a toy, you’re like a girl from finishing school picking up her afternoon tea.  You hold it ever so softly, as if it might break if you grabbed it hard.  Austin, you’re a boy’s boy.  You’re like a wrecking ball, smashing and grabbing everything in your path with full force.  Your intentions are sweet as can be, but it’s pretty funny to watch you both sit with the same bucket in between you and have Austin grab it out of the way and dumb everything everywhere while Summer sits sweetly across from you and can only watch it all happen. 
And the newest phenomenon in our happy little household is that our beautiful, sweet baby girl now wakes up in the morning with her face smelling like a combination of urine and sweaty old shoes.  It’s subtle enough that you can’t smell it unless you kiss your face, but when you lean in for that kiss, man it hits you like a ton of bricks.  Somehow it hasn’t stopped me from kissing you a million times a day, but if this keeps up we might have to start you on the perfume a few years earlier than anticipated. 
One last thing about our smelly little princess.  This month, you developed some serious “stranger danger” issues.  Unless you are very familiar with the people around you, you tend to cling to me or your mommy, and there have been a fair amount of waterworks when new people are around.  One really sweet byproduct of this is that every time we leave the house, right when we walk out the door you bury your head into whoever is holding you.  It’s kind of like you want an extra bit of protection as you go out into this big, new world.  Hopefully soon you’ll realize that we’re here to protect you, but every once in a while it’s nice for us (read: your mom) to get a break from holding/watching you all day long.  We promise to keep you safe if you promise you keep us sane.    
I’ll check in with you guys again next month.  Thanks for keeping us feeling young. 
Love,
Daddy
P.S.  You both also started to get teeth this month.  Austin, you currently have one and Summer has two.  There’s not much exciting to write about teeth other than that they exist, so this is really just meant to document something important that happened this month.  And that’s all.  Goodbye again until next time.


Monday, July 9, 2012

A Book Review: Where is Baby's Belly Button by Karen Katz

I know many of you turn to me for answers to your many questions regarding baby knowledge, product reviews and general know-how. And I know that my knowledge pretty much surpasses what the average human being is capable of retaining.

My last book review got about 800,000 hits so I figure it's time for another.
I recommend you grab on to the seat of your pants for this one.  This is one of my all time favorite books as it combines mystery with surprise, and even a little humor.  What more could you ask for in a piece of quality literature?

I now give you, Where is Baby's Belly Button? by Karen Katz.


I love a book that grabs your attention from first glance.  I know you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover but I just can't help myself.  It's a tad innocent, some might say coy, a little bit sexy...need I say more?

The action begins right from the first page.


I know, right? Where ARE baby's eyes?  I'm so intrigued.


Shut the f*ck up!  You didn't see that one coming, did you?

I get lost in the beautiful pictures and gripping story line.  It's like the book reaches way down within my soul and introduces me to questions I've never posed before.

Oh, Karen Katz.  You genius, you.

The book gets more intriguing and the many surprises are endless.


Seriously?  How does she come up with this stuff?


Holy hell!  I didn't even think to look behind the cat.  The wheels in my head are turning.  Seriously turning.  I just can't put it down.  I don't even have words.  But thank God Karen Katz does.

I know you don't normally give away the end of a story during a book review but I simply can't help myself.  And I know you're all dying to know what happens.  Here's where the mystery is completely unveiled and you just sit there thinking about it for days.

Up until this point, we've just been searching for parts of the baby.  But wait for it...


That's right folks.  We're searching for the whole damn baby.

I'm not going to tell you what happens although I'm sure you're at the edge of your seat.  But I'll tell you one thing, it's worth reading.  There's a total plot twist. 

If you're still sitting at your computer, get off your butt and go grab Where is Baby's Belly Button by Karen Katz.  It changed my life.  You won't be disappointed.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy 4th of July

To all who are able to enjoy your independence today, go forth and eat some processed, grilled meat.


This is how we pose, bitches.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

An Educational Post About Stuff I know Very LIttle About but Claim to Know a lot About

So Josh and I decided to get with the times and start recycling.

Up until this point, I have helped our environment the following ways:
I refill my Diet Coke at Chipotle at least 3 times to get good use out of the cup.
I put my gum back in my mouth if it falls on the ground so as not to pollute the environment.
I don't clean my house to prevent harmful chemicals from getting in the air.
I buy multiple reusable water bottles, even though I don't drink water, instead of buying bottled water.
I put all my trash inside bigger pieces of trash to save space.
I never wash my car.
I keep my soda cups from McDonald's, Wendys, Chipotle and Chick Fil A neatly arranged around my car so they don't get thrown away.

But now I feel like I should do more.  So I decided to go online and sign up for our local recycling program.
Only, get this.  You can't sign up online.  You have to fill out a form.  With a pen.  And mail it in.  With a check.  What the hell is this?  1985?

Below is the pamphlet.  The right side is the part you're supposed to cut off and mail in.  In your own envelope.  Like in 1955 when you sent in the back of a cereal box to get the Super Secret Spy decoder ring.


When I explained this ridiculousness to Josh, he just said, "The government is always behind on these things," which is quite a surprise to me considering they're all concerned about Cyber Warfare.

What is Cyber Warfare you ask?
Essentially it's fighting on a big internet-sized scale using viruses that unlock the key to other country's biggest financial resources-oil, nuclear plants, generators...

Ugh.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for typing the most boring sentence I've ever typed in my entire life.

How am I such a genius?  Josh makes me watch 60 Minutes every Sunday night.  All I can say is thank God it's not the Kudlow report.  If that's not a show to slit your wrists to, I don't know what is.

My point in all of this is how on earth can the United States even have a chance to get the upper hand in a Cyber Warfare Battle when they don't even know how to use the internet to sign you up for a recycling program or process your credit card?

Now that I think of it, it seems like a total waste of paper to sign up for this recycling program.  I'm going to go internet shopping instead and save the planet.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Cute and Cuter

Everyone thinks their kid is the cutest thing they've ever seen.  It's like parents all of a sudden become blind to what society deems attractive when they look at their children.  Do I think this is a bad thing?  Absolutely not.  If your kid is ugly, you should probably be the last to know. 

For instance, I recently saw a baby who looks exactly like Crush from Finding Nemo.


Poor little bug-eyed creep.

And as much as I think my children are fabulous, I know how to be real.  For instance, Summer has recently taken on the likeness of one of my favorite movie characters.

Summer Blair, meet Lloyd Christmas.






Need I say more?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

6 Months

And here we are again with Josh's monthly post or as I like to call it, ruining my blog with a bunch of sappy crap.



Month 6
How is it possible that you guys are 6 months old today?  It’s cliché to say, but it really feels like just yesterday that we were bundling you up in clothes that were twice your size to bring you home from the hospital.  I remember driving about 10 miles an hour the whole way home, freaking out over every speed bump in the parking lot at the hospital, every car that was in our general vicinity on the road, checking on you at every red light and sometimes in between, and generally learning what it feels like to be so in love with two tiny little people that you can’t even fathom it.  It’s hard to believe how far we’ve come since then. 
One of the highlights of this last month came when we fed you guys “real” food for the first time.  The theory goes that you should start feeding babies with the worst tasting stuff (vegetables) and then improve it (fruit) over time to ensure that you guys learn to eat your veggies and don’t get hooked on everything that tastes like pure sugar before you even have teeth.  But you both came from your mommy’s tummy, so to even attempt to program your taste buds to enjoy a nice bowl of squash and green beans is basically a lost cause.  In any case, on a casual Sunday afternoon in early June, we strapped you into your chairs and broke out the pureed peas.  Summer, given your bloodlines, I guess we should have known better than to start you off with something green.  Needless to say, you were not amused.  Describing what transpired next with written words would only due it a disservice, so here’s the video evidence of the whole scene
Speaking of taking after someone, the other night at dinner we were all sitting at the table.  You guys had been fed and mommy and I were eating.  Summer, I looked over and realized you hadn’t stop talking for at least 10 minutes straight.  Austin was sitting next to you, silently playing with a toy.  It was pretty much exactly like dinner every night – the woman doing all of the talking about mostly nothing while the man sits quietly by - only with the participants about 30 years younger.  It was obviously very cute but was mostly just a glimpse into the future, when we’ll have two females at the table talking aimlessly and endlessly while the boys try our best to tune out the noise and eat as much as we can, as fast as we can so we can finish dinner and go shoot hoops outside or something.  Austin, don’t worry buddy, I’ve got a huge stash of earplugs hidden away for both of us.
One last thing before I sign off…in the last few days/weeks, the coolest thing has started to happen: you smile and laugh when you see me.  Those things occasionally happened in the past, but they were more coincidence than true reaction.  But now when I come back from a run in the morning or get home after work, I see you look straight at me, let me know that you recognize me and know who I am, and then give me a huge smile, like you are so glad I’m finally home.  I’ve known that I loved you since the moment you were born (actually since the moment we found out about you), but it’s just about the coolest thing ever to know that you love me right back.  Everybody in the world should get to experience that feeling because there’s really nothing better. 
These first 6 months have been beyond amazing and we’re so lucky to have you as our babies.  We love you!
Love,
Daddy 

Vital Stats
Six month weight: Austin – 16lb, 1oz; Summer 14lb, 8oz
Six month height: Austin – 26.25 in   Summer – 24.75 in


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Suck it, St. Joseph

I'd like to talk to you a little bit about the process of buying and selling a house.

Selling a house is super fun.  By super fun I mean it totally sucks. 

This time around, we sold our house in 2 days.  Amazing, right?

But let me take you back a couple of years.  Josh and I decided to put our house on the market before we had kids.
We were bright eyed and hopeful, putting out fresh flowers at the front door (which I routinely killed week after week and had to exchange at Lowes.  BTW, did you know you can return any plants to Lowes? Yup! Kill them and take 'em back so you can kill 'em again!).

Weeks went by with barely a showing on our cute little house.  So my dear sister, who is also our realtor, brought us St. Jospeh, a realtor trick to help you sell your house.
I am St. Joseph.  I am a plastic toy.  You just spent $5.99 on me.  Idiot.
Let me tell you a little bit about St. Joseph.  According to some random website, St. Joseph is the Patron Saint of real estate and home sales.  I mean, for real?  Do we really need a saint of home sales?  Can anyone just be a saint of anything?  In that case, I'm the Saint of Krispy Kreme donuts and online retail therapy.  Someone start making a plastic statue.

So anyway, you get this little statue of good 'ole Joe and you say this little prayer that comes on a paper in the box and then you bury the statue in the front yard of the home you're trying to sell.

Never against doing something a little unusual (I once had a funeral for my mom's guinea pig while she and my step dad were on a cruise and he died under my care), I had a proper burial for St. Joseph in our front yard.  Then I did a little rain dance in front of our tree and waited for the offers to come in.

A few more weeks went by and NOTHING.  And all I could think was, WTF St. Joseph?  Why the hell did I bury you if you're just going to lay there in the dirt and do nothing?

So, that morning I went out into our front yard and I dug him up.   Then I put him under the back tire of my car.  And I ran over him.  Repeatedly.

Needless to say, we didn't sell our house back then.  I blame St. Joseph.  Him, and setting my hopes on a plastic doll.

But this year, we sold our house!  And we bought a new house!
But let me tell you the very best thing about buying a house, aside from the fact that you bought a house.

You get to go to your closing!
Closings are so cool.  It's like going to a business meeting (which I've never been to) but way more fun because there's Diet Coke and candy!

Actual bowl of candy at closing
It was the best closing of my life.  So every year, on our closing date, I'm going to have a party.  With Diet Coke.  And candy.  And everyone leaves with a bottle of wine.



Thursday, June 21, 2012

To My Adoring Public

I never realized how awesome I was until I had twins.  (Okay, I knew how awesome I was, but now I talk about it openly).  I went from being your run of the mill, average, naturally gorgeous 31 year old to a paparazzi-worthy super star.  How did I do this you ask?

Double the accessories. 

If you're thinking about having one baby, stop right this minute.  You need to have two.  At the same time.  Or you're not worth being noticed.  No offense.  But seriously, offense.  Who does your lazy ass think you are having just one baby?

So here's the way it works.
Before you go out with your two babies, buy a very expensive stroller.  It draws attention to you, your fabulousness, and finally, your two poopers.

I bought this one:

This is the baby Jogger City Select.  My babies look totally hot in it.  As soon as you step into your favorite mall/restaurant/coffee shop/wine bar ;) people will notice you.  There will be whispers, pointing, stares... And finally some gutsy old lady will come up to you:

Old Lady:  Are they twins?
Me:  No.  One is 5 and the other is 12.
Old Lady:  Wow. You've got your hands full.
Me:  Sure do, Old Lady.
Old Lady:  A boy and a girl?
Me:  No, it's two boys but the smaller one is really into hair accessories.
Old Lady:  Well isn't that sweet.  You're so lucky!
Me:  I sure am.  Would you like an autographed photo?
Old Lady:  You look great for having twins!
Me:  Thanks.  What if I didn't have twins?  Would you still stop me to tell me I look great?
Old Lady: They must keep you busy.
Me:  Nah, I pretty much just keep them in a padded room so I know they're safe and go about my day.
Old Lady:  Are they good babies?
Me:  I actually think they plot evil murderous takeovers after I put them to bed, but other than that I don't have any complaints.
Old Lady: Well, you enjoy them.  They grow so fast!
Me:  You're telling me.  Would you like to donate money to my babies just started eating "real" food fund and it's taking over my life?

At this point, we usually part ways after a couple photo ops and a few more adoring fans.  I don't really mind when people touch the babies except when they do it without asking.  

I mean, honestly.  Wouldn't you be a little weirded out if someone came up to you and started playing with your hand and rubbing your head?  Why, because this person is miniature, is that now acceptable?

I'm trying to teach my kids to barf on command when strangers touch them.  But I don't think baby bulimia is seen as socially acceptable.  Actually, I don't think any bulimia is seen as socially acceptable which is why bulimics don't exactly throw up in public like we're in ancient Rome.


But back to the topic at hand.  I'm sending out autographed photos of myself and the twins to one randomly selected person who comments on this blog post.  I know, totally awesome prize.  Don't you all comment at once. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Are You Teething...or Just a Bitch?

One thing that's difficult about 6 month old babies is that they can't talk. 
So rather than have a normal conversation like human beings, it goes something like this:

Baby: eeehh bbammmm gggghh
Me: Did you poop in your pants?
Baby: eeefg mmmmmm
Me: M effer.  Are you serious? I just changed your diaper like 3 hours ago!
Baby: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH
Me: We're not going to have a conversation like this.  If you want to communicate, use your words.
Baby: eeeeeeeeee mmmmfbbbbb ttt *burp
Me:  This is ridiculous.  I've had better conversations with the cat.
Cat: meow.
Me: Cat, where have you been?  I seriously thought you were lying dead somewhere.
Cat: meow.
Me: I hate you, Cat.
Other Baby: eg ge ge ge
Me: No, you can't have my Diet Coke.  It's the only thing keeping me alive right now.
Other Baby: fffmdd aaaah aah
Me: I feel ya dude.  Here have some formula.

This conversation continues for about 8 hours.  There are all of these research people that say that babies have specific cries for different things. 
But I think they're full of it.  Who seriously sits around all day and analyzes a three month old's cries to identify what the baby needs when it's not even their child? 
That sounds like the worst job ever.  That, and working at Krispy Kreme while you're on a diet.  But that just sounds ridiculous.  Unless you're on a Krispy Kreme diet and in that case, great job choice!

Speaking of Krispy Kreme, I think this blog is in dire need of some food porn shots.

Mmmmmm
My kind of Red Light District    



Psycho Krispy Kreme Poster Child.


 


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Father's Day

Sunday night we celebrated Josh's first father's day with a family dinner at our new house.

I drank a glass of wine and thought I was going to die.  Apparently I'm either a lightweight, the wine was poisoned by one of my family members or it was actually the babies' formula and I was too drunk to notice.  Either way, shoving three rolls in my face seemed to help the situation.  But I digress.

My stepdad made it just in time for dinner because he was flying home from Quebec-the fake France of the north-in Canada.  Le Québec est la fausse France du Nord.    

My stepdad told us that while they were there they met a Furrier-someone who makes fur coats.  I told him I believed he should be referred to as a Fuhrer.  Josh rolled his eyes and said that was Hitler, which is odd, because I didn't know Hitler made fur coats.

But I was truly appalled that my stepdad went to a Fuhrer because I am a firm believer that animals should not be worn. 
They should be eaten.  With barbeque sauce.  And bacon. 

Since we moved in to our new house, Josh said we should not spend money on Mother's or Father's day gifts because of  all the extra expenses right now (a.k.a-my insistence that our entire house should be furnished by Pottery Barn and our old furniture should be put in the gutter). 
So I gave Josh a framed picture of our kids to put on his desk at work. 


I've been to his work and there are some cute little girls there all dressed up in stilettos with their hair perfectly blown out.  So while Josh thought this was a sweet picture to put on his desk to remind him of his little loves at home, it was really just insurance to let those bitches know that my man comes with a lot of baggage.  So keep on tottering by.  I know he has good hair and model-like hands but he also has two babies that look cute in pictures but actually poop everywhere, and when you think you finally have it all you look in the mirror at your own sh*t smeared face and sigh because when you ate it, you totally thought it was chocolate.

Happy Fathers Day, gentlemen.

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