Thursday, June 28, 2012

Cute and Cuter

Everyone thinks their kid is the cutest thing they've ever seen.  It's like parents all of a sudden become blind to what society deems attractive when they look at their children.  Do I think this is a bad thing?  Absolutely not.  If your kid is ugly, you should probably be the last to know. 

For instance, I recently saw a baby who looks exactly like Crush from Finding Nemo.

Poor little bug-eyed creep.

And as much as I think my children are fabulous, I know how to be real.  For instance, Summer has recently taken on the likeness of one of my favorite movie characters.

Summer Blair, meet Lloyd Christmas.

Need I say more?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

6 Months

And here we are again with Josh's monthly post or as I like to call it, ruining my blog with a bunch of sappy crap.

Month 6
How is it possible that you guys are 6 months old today?  It’s cliché to say, but it really feels like just yesterday that we were bundling you up in clothes that were twice your size to bring you home from the hospital.  I remember driving about 10 miles an hour the whole way home, freaking out over every speed bump in the parking lot at the hospital, every car that was in our general vicinity on the road, checking on you at every red light and sometimes in between, and generally learning what it feels like to be so in love with two tiny little people that you can’t even fathom it.  It’s hard to believe how far we’ve come since then. 
One of the highlights of this last month came when we fed you guys “real” food for the first time.  The theory goes that you should start feeding babies with the worst tasting stuff (vegetables) and then improve it (fruit) over time to ensure that you guys learn to eat your veggies and don’t get hooked on everything that tastes like pure sugar before you even have teeth.  But you both came from your mommy’s tummy, so to even attempt to program your taste buds to enjoy a nice bowl of squash and green beans is basically a lost cause.  In any case, on a casual Sunday afternoon in early June, we strapped you into your chairs and broke out the pureed peas.  Summer, given your bloodlines, I guess we should have known better than to start you off with something green.  Needless to say, you were not amused.  Describing what transpired next with written words would only due it a disservice, so here’s the video evidence of the whole scene
Speaking of taking after someone, the other night at dinner we were all sitting at the table.  You guys had been fed and mommy and I were eating.  Summer, I looked over and realized you hadn’t stop talking for at least 10 minutes straight.  Austin was sitting next to you, silently playing with a toy.  It was pretty much exactly like dinner every night – the woman doing all of the talking about mostly nothing while the man sits quietly by - only with the participants about 30 years younger.  It was obviously very cute but was mostly just a glimpse into the future, when we’ll have two females at the table talking aimlessly and endlessly while the boys try our best to tune out the noise and eat as much as we can, as fast as we can so we can finish dinner and go shoot hoops outside or something.  Austin, don’t worry buddy, I’ve got a huge stash of earplugs hidden away for both of us.
One last thing before I sign off…in the last few days/weeks, the coolest thing has started to happen: you smile and laugh when you see me.  Those things occasionally happened in the past, but they were more coincidence than true reaction.  But now when I come back from a run in the morning or get home after work, I see you look straight at me, let me know that you recognize me and know who I am, and then give me a huge smile, like you are so glad I’m finally home.  I’ve known that I loved you since the moment you were born (actually since the moment we found out about you), but it’s just about the coolest thing ever to know that you love me right back.  Everybody in the world should get to experience that feeling because there’s really nothing better. 
These first 6 months have been beyond amazing and we’re so lucky to have you as our babies.  We love you!

Vital Stats
Six month weight: Austin – 16lb, 1oz; Summer 14lb, 8oz
Six month height: Austin – 26.25 in   Summer – 24.75 in

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Suck it, St. Joseph

I'd like to talk to you a little bit about the process of buying and selling a house.

Selling a house is super fun.  By super fun I mean it totally sucks. 

This time around, we sold our house in 2 days.  Amazing, right?

But let me take you back a couple of years.  Josh and I decided to put our house on the market before we had kids.
We were bright eyed and hopeful, putting out fresh flowers at the front door (which I routinely killed week after week and had to exchange at Lowes.  BTW, did you know you can return any plants to Lowes? Yup! Kill them and take 'em back so you can kill 'em again!).

Weeks went by with barely a showing on our cute little house.  So my dear sister, who is also our realtor, brought us St. Jospeh, a realtor trick to help you sell your house.
I am St. Joseph.  I am a plastic toy.  You just spent $5.99 on me.  Idiot.
Let me tell you a little bit about St. Joseph.  According to some random website, St. Joseph is the Patron Saint of real estate and home sales.  I mean, for real?  Do we really need a saint of home sales?  Can anyone just be a saint of anything?  In that case, I'm the Saint of Krispy Kreme donuts and online retail therapy.  Someone start making a plastic statue.

So anyway, you get this little statue of good 'ole Joe and you say this little prayer that comes on a paper in the box and then you bury the statue in the front yard of the home you're trying to sell.

Never against doing something a little unusual (I once had a funeral for my mom's guinea pig while she and my step dad were on a cruise and he died under my care), I had a proper burial for St. Joseph in our front yard.  Then I did a little rain dance in front of our tree and waited for the offers to come in.

A few more weeks went by and NOTHING.  And all I could think was, WTF St. Joseph?  Why the hell did I bury you if you're just going to lay there in the dirt and do nothing?

So, that morning I went out into our front yard and I dug him up.   Then I put him under the back tire of my car.  And I ran over him.  Repeatedly.

Needless to say, we didn't sell our house back then.  I blame St. Joseph.  Him, and setting my hopes on a plastic doll.

But this year, we sold our house!  And we bought a new house!
But let me tell you the very best thing about buying a house, aside from the fact that you bought a house.

You get to go to your closing!
Closings are so cool.  It's like going to a business meeting (which I've never been to) but way more fun because there's Diet Coke and candy!

Actual bowl of candy at closing
It was the best closing of my life.  So every year, on our closing date, I'm going to have a party.  With Diet Coke.  And candy.  And everyone leaves with a bottle of wine.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

To My Adoring Public

I never realized how awesome I was until I had twins.  (Okay, I knew how awesome I was, but now I talk about it openly).  I went from being your run of the mill, average, naturally gorgeous 31 year old to a paparazzi-worthy super star.  How did I do this you ask?

Double the accessories. 

If you're thinking about having one baby, stop right this minute.  You need to have two.  At the same time.  Or you're not worth being noticed.  No offense.  But seriously, offense.  Who does your lazy ass think you are having just one baby?

So here's the way it works.
Before you go out with your two babies, buy a very expensive stroller.  It draws attention to you, your fabulousness, and finally, your two poopers.

I bought this one:

This is the baby Jogger City Select.  My babies look totally hot in it.  As soon as you step into your favorite mall/restaurant/coffee shop/wine bar ;) people will notice you.  There will be whispers, pointing, stares... And finally some gutsy old lady will come up to you:

Old Lady:  Are they twins?
Me:  No.  One is 5 and the other is 12.
Old Lady:  Wow. You've got your hands full.
Me:  Sure do, Old Lady.
Old Lady:  A boy and a girl?
Me:  No, it's two boys but the smaller one is really into hair accessories.
Old Lady:  Well isn't that sweet.  You're so lucky!
Me:  I sure am.  Would you like an autographed photo?
Old Lady:  You look great for having twins!
Me:  Thanks.  What if I didn't have twins?  Would you still stop me to tell me I look great?
Old Lady: They must keep you busy.
Me:  Nah, I pretty much just keep them in a padded room so I know they're safe and go about my day.
Old Lady:  Are they good babies?
Me:  I actually think they plot evil murderous takeovers after I put them to bed, but other than that I don't have any complaints.
Old Lady: Well, you enjoy them.  They grow so fast!
Me:  You're telling me.  Would you like to donate money to my babies just started eating "real" food fund and it's taking over my life?

At this point, we usually part ways after a couple photo ops and a few more adoring fans.  I don't really mind when people touch the babies except when they do it without asking.  

I mean, honestly.  Wouldn't you be a little weirded out if someone came up to you and started playing with your hand and rubbing your head?  Why, because this person is miniature, is that now acceptable?

I'm trying to teach my kids to barf on command when strangers touch them.  But I don't think baby bulimia is seen as socially acceptable.  Actually, I don't think any bulimia is seen as socially acceptable which is why bulimics don't exactly throw up in public like we're in ancient Rome.

But back to the topic at hand.  I'm sending out autographed photos of myself and the twins to one randomly selected person who comments on this blog post.  I know, totally awesome prize.  Don't you all comment at once. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Are You Teething...or Just a Bitch?

One thing that's difficult about 6 month old babies is that they can't talk. 
So rather than have a normal conversation like human beings, it goes something like this:

Baby: eeehh bbammmm gggghh
Me: Did you poop in your pants?
Baby: eeefg mmmmmm
Me: M effer.  Are you serious? I just changed your diaper like 3 hours ago!
Me: We're not going to have a conversation like this.  If you want to communicate, use your words.
Baby: eeeeeeeeee mmmmfbbbbb ttt *burp
Me:  This is ridiculous.  I've had better conversations with the cat.
Cat: meow.
Me: Cat, where have you been?  I seriously thought you were lying dead somewhere.
Cat: meow.
Me: I hate you, Cat.
Other Baby: eg ge ge ge
Me: No, you can't have my Diet Coke.  It's the only thing keeping me alive right now.
Other Baby: fffmdd aaaah aah
Me: I feel ya dude.  Here have some formula.

This conversation continues for about 8 hours.  There are all of these research people that say that babies have specific cries for different things. 
But I think they're full of it.  Who seriously sits around all day and analyzes a three month old's cries to identify what the baby needs when it's not even their child? 
That sounds like the worst job ever.  That, and working at Krispy Kreme while you're on a diet.  But that just sounds ridiculous.  Unless you're on a Krispy Kreme diet and in that case, great job choice!

Speaking of Krispy Kreme, I think this blog is in dire need of some food porn shots.

My kind of Red Light District    

Psycho Krispy Kreme Poster Child.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Father's Day

Sunday night we celebrated Josh's first father's day with a family dinner at our new house.

I drank a glass of wine and thought I was going to die.  Apparently I'm either a lightweight, the wine was poisoned by one of my family members or it was actually the babies' formula and I was too drunk to notice.  Either way, shoving three rolls in my face seemed to help the situation.  But I digress.

My stepdad made it just in time for dinner because he was flying home from Quebec-the fake France of the north-in Canada.  Le Québec est la fausse France du Nord.    

My stepdad told us that while they were there they met a Furrier-someone who makes fur coats.  I told him I believed he should be referred to as a Fuhrer.  Josh rolled his eyes and said that was Hitler, which is odd, because I didn't know Hitler made fur coats.

But I was truly appalled that my stepdad went to a Fuhrer because I am a firm believer that animals should not be worn. 
They should be eaten.  With barbeque sauce.  And bacon. 

Since we moved in to our new house, Josh said we should not spend money on Mother's or Father's day gifts because of  all the extra expenses right now (a.k.a-my insistence that our entire house should be furnished by Pottery Barn and our old furniture should be put in the gutter). 
So I gave Josh a framed picture of our kids to put on his desk at work. 

I've been to his work and there are some cute little girls there all dressed up in stilettos with their hair perfectly blown out.  So while Josh thought this was a sweet picture to put on his desk to remind him of his little loves at home, it was really just insurance to let those bitches know that my man comes with a lot of baggage.  So keep on tottering by.  I know he has good hair and model-like hands but he also has two babies that look cute in pictures but actually poop everywhere, and when you think you finally have it all you look in the mirror at your own sh*t smeared face and sigh because when you ate it, you totally thought it was chocolate.

Happy Fathers Day, gentlemen.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Month 5 Fun

Ok, so I officially suck at blogging.  But I promise to blog more.  Because I know the five people who read my blog are really missing me.

So here's Josh's monthly post...or the only post of this month.  Which is sad.  Because he's so not as funny as I am.

Month 5
Wow, what a month.  In the last 30 days, quite a lot has happened.  President Obama supported gay marriage, Facebook went public, and most importantly, The Bachelorette’s new season began (Emily Maynard, woot woot!).  Oh, and we bought a new house, went under contract to sell our current house about 3 days later, dealt with the million things that come with buying and selling houses (packing, getting a mortgage, ending all of the services at your existing house and turning them on for the new one, finding someone to fence in a pool, finding someone to child-proof a house because now there’s a lot more space and areas for you guys to cause trouble, etc, etc), took your first ever plane ride for a trip to Miami, and celebrated mommy’s first Mother’s Day with lots of family, including a visit from NaNa and Grandma Fritzie. 
I’m tired just reading that paragraph, so hopefully this next month will be just as good but a little less eventful.
My favorite thing that happened this month is that you guys are starting to notice one another.  It’s not like you’re playing together yet, but there are these really sweet moments we’ll see when you guys looking at each other, sometimes holding hands, and mostly smacking each other in the face.  It may not seem all that interesting to the casual observer, but it makes your mom and me think about the days, weeks and months ahead when you guys will be talking to one another in your cribs, speaking gibberish that no one else can understand, and being each other’s best friends for life.
Tomorrow we’re all off to Folly Beach, SC to celebrate mommy and daddy’s 3-year anniversary.   It’s hard to believe that we’ve already been married for 3 years because in a lot of ways it feels like our wedding was just yesterday.  But, in other ways, it seems even longer ago because it feels like ages ago that your mommy was pregnant.  It feels that way because the reality is, our lives have now been split into two distinct periods: BAS (before Austin and Summer) and SAS (Since Austin and Summer).  I was alive for exactly 400 months before you were born and now you’re 5 months old, so SAS is only just a little over 1% of my life, but in a lot of ways I kind of don’t remember BAS.  In the literal sense, I still have all of those memories, but it does seem hard to remember a time when you guys were not in our lives.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.   
Something else also happened this month.  You guys kind of became real people.  While your mom and I have felt like you were real people since birth, that’s just because we’re your parents.  But now other people are starting to notice it, too.  You smile when you see us, you laugh at the right times (not just when you fart), you are reaching and grabbing for things, starting to get a bit more mobile (mostly via rolling over, but you’re also starting to push a bit on the ground, which is a precursor to crawling), and any day now, we’re going to break out the real food so you can stop eating that formula stuff.   As always, we’re so proud to be your parents and we love every minute of this crazy adventure.  Until next month….

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