Sunday, August 28, 2011

Stomach or Vagina? That's Right, The Word "Vagina" is in The Title of This Post

Yesterday Josh and I had our 6 hour birthing class.  I was kind of hoping that it would be a little bit like when Jimmy Kimmel took Jessica Alba to her birthing class-or at the very least, Jimmy Kimmel would be in ours.

Unfortunately, Jimmy didn't make an appearance but a model of a woman's pelvis sure did!  The class was pretty straightforward although I didn't do very well during the breathing exercise part.  Everyone else was taking it so seriously and I just could not stop laughing.  Eventually I had to go into the hall and wait so I didn't pee my pants.  I wonder if I'll think having actual contractions is as funny as the fake ones were.
So the major topic of class was the process of having a vaginal delivery versus a C-section.  Now, some people get to choose one or the other but many people just have to get that baby out however that baby comes out.  I personally don't have a preference-I'll sneeze them out if that's what the doctor tells me to do.  
But for those of you who do have a decision to make, I thought I'd help you out by giving you the benefits of having a vaginal delivery vs. the benefits of having a C-section.

The Benefits of Having a Vaginal Delivery
1.  Obvious benefit-no one cuts your stomach open
2.  When your kids piss you off later in life you can throw it in their faces that you pushed them out of your vagina
3.  Two words: Push Present
4.  You get to keep an ice pack in your hospital provided mesh underwear-Did somebody say "sexy?"
5.  You get to say "vagina" comfortably in public when everyone asks how you delivered your children
6.  You can brag to all the C-section moms that you didn't just lie on the table like a lazy ass

The Benefits of Having a C-Section
1.  You can know the date ahead of time and send "Save the Dates" to all your friends- Cari is having her stomach cut open on December 15th-join us for the unveiling of her innards!  
2.  When your kids piss you off later in life you can throw it in their faces that you had your stomach cut open to give them life
3.  You can't lift anything heavy for a while afterwards which you can totally milk for all it's worth
4.  For the rest of your life you'll have a permanent "smiley face" etched under your belly button
5.  You don't have to wear double maxi pads in your underwear for the next month
6.  There's a curtain up for your wussy ass husband who passes out at the mere mention of blood

We don't know what is actually going to happen when baby day comes but I can tell you one thing-I am going to complain and whine the ENTIRE time because when else will someone put up with that sh**?


  1. The mesh underwear I have termed "fancy panties" to all of my patients. Everyone used to tell me they were comfortable...ain't nothin' comfortable after you've pushed an 8lb watermelon out of your vajeen. Just sayin'.

  2. We should go into business marketing "fancy panties" to unsuspecting future mothers. We'll be millionaires!!!


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