Saturday, August 20, 2011

Can't Infants Just Eat Hamburgers?

Breastfeeding.  Two words turned into one word that make me cringe and sigh with disgust.  Today Josh and I had our Breastfeeding for Multiples class at the hospital.  I was totally not thrilled about this class.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm going to breastfeed, pump, make sure my kids get all of those fabulous nutrients..blah blah blah.  I just think it's disgusting.  Breasts should be sexual not functional.  Many people will disagree with me and talk about the bond they have with their baby and how beautiful it is to be able to give birth and then provide nourishment to their children.  I can provide nourishment-there's a McDonalds on like, every corner in this city.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll become one of those moms that coos over baby as he sucks on my tit like I'm a human cow.  Maybe I'll be one of those insane moms who breastfeeds until sending my firstborn(s) off to kindergarten, tears in my eyes as I'll miss it so...Who the hell am I kidding?  I give it 6 months tops.

Class started at 9, and like our Baby Essentials class, we had two 5 pound baby dolls to work with.  We sat at our table and I noticed we had 2 little girls.  I turned to Josh, "I thought we were having a boy and a girl.  I've heard of mistakes like this happening but how did I not know??"  I also said hello to the girl next to us who was in our last class.  She has the cutest sweaters.  I kind of wanted to nix the class and just ask her to go shopping but it looked like we had already committed. 

The enthusiastic teacher started class by going around and having everyone share when they were due, what they were having as well as their thoughts and concerns about breastfeeding.  Some people were obviously clueless as they are not baby geniuses like me.  Josh eventually had to stop me from whispering all of the answers to their questions to him. 
The woman from the second couple was totally gung-ho about breastfeeding.  She was like a determined marathon runner huffing and puffing her way to the finish line.  It took everything in me not to roll my eyes and fall on the floor and play dead. 
The next woman was a bundle of nerves.  She had questions about every tiny detail.  It was like, "get a private class, will ya?"  "What if I fall asleep, roll over on the baby and suffocate it?"  "How will I know if the baby is full?"  "How will I know if the baby is hungry?"  "How will I get enough sleep?"  "Can I produce breast milk if I'm not sleeping enough?" 
I tried to slit my wrists with one of the baby dolls as she went on and on but apparently they're not very conducive to suicide attempts. 

Finally it was our turn to share our "thoughts and concerns" about breastfeeding.  Josh, polite as ever said, "I just want Cari to feel comfortable about breastfeeding and do what I can to help her."  Way to go Josh-A+.  Thanks for making me look like a complete idiot when I open my mouth 2 seconds later.  The nurse turns to me.  I sigh, "I get the benefits and all that but I just think it's totally gross.  It makes me feel like a human cow."  I swear, Gung-Ho Girl's mouth was open wide in shock in the perfect infant-to-nipple position.  The instructor didn't look all that pleased either.  I put on a perfectly sweet smile to indicate she could move on.

For the rest of class, we learned how babies suck (on the nipple you evil people,) the benefits of a breast pump, and different breastfeeding positions.  Below is a picture of me (a very unattractive picture if I do say so myself-when did I gain like 50 pounds?) doing a double football hold with our twin girls.

Shoot me now.

Josh thoroughly enjoyed my look of distaste.  All I can say is a breast pump and bottles are looking better and better.  There was just one thing about the class that confused me.  I heard there was going to be a fake boob for the instructor to pass around.  I tried to be patient waiting for it's unveiling.  I kept turning to Josh, "When do you think they'll bring out the fake boob?"
And you know what?  They never did!  I waited 3 hours for that thing to debut!  I'm definitely going to write about the neglected appearance of the fake boob when we fill out our email surveys that should arrive in a couple of days.  I think I'm just going to forward this post.  That should about cover everything.


  1. Cari - I love your blog, found the link through Josh (we went to college together) on Facebook.

    At our class in Houston you would have gotten a fake boob and an instructor who was constantly touching her boobs. It was a bit disturbing! Have no fear, you will feel like a human cow, but it is actually not bad. I felt the same way you did, prior to my daughter's arrival. Good luck and keep the funny comments coming!

  2. Robyn, I'm so glad you found me! AND I'm so disappointed I didn't get to take the class in Houston. I think my whole outlook on breastfeeding would be a lot brighter if a fake boob was involved.


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