Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Pregnancy Guru

So a lot of people, I mean A LOT of people are coming to me for pregnancy advice because I am the local designated baby genius.  Just as I was planning our move onto the streets from being kid poor, a huge money making idea hit me.  I am now going to be the Pregnancy Guru.  I will sit on the top of a mountain in a grass hut where people can come from far and wide to seek my awesome advice on babies, mothering, and how long you can store pop tarts in warm weather. 
I've already given lots of free advice on this blog on many different topics from a having a fit pregnancy, to eating right and shopping for baby. But I figure now it's time to become extraordinarily rich and stop handing out the freebies.  Well, maybe not just yet.  I feel like it's my duty to continue offering some advice.  What would you do without me?

Pregnancy Acne
Many women deal with this problem wondering what they can do as many acne medications are unsafe to take when you're pregnant.  I have a simple solution: Don't leave your house.  You are scaring small children.  If you must leave your house wear a burka.  Hell, even Barbie does it on her off days.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

There are so many home remedies for nausea it's crazy.  I tried many before finding a real one.  Let's just say most of them made me more nauseous.  Take ginger chews, for example.  As if the nausea wasn't bad enough, I then spent 10 minutes spitting out the remnants of the supposed aid into the kitchen sink to keep from actually throwing up.  So my final advice-find someone else who can feel the pain with you.  Misery loves company.  Don't have another pregnant friend who can identify?  No worries.  I used my husband.  I simply complained for hours and hours on end until I'm positive that he felt as nauseous and uncomfortable as I did.  Worked like a charm.

This sure is a fun one.  The fact is, this one's too gross for me to really touch on.  Simply, just eat what you want and enjoy it because it's not going to be fun coming out the other end, no matter what it is you ate.

Nose Bleeds
Your body goes completely crazy with all the hormones when you are pregnant, including extra mucus and junk in the shnozzle.  This can cause nose bleeds.  You can do the simple act of leaning your head forward and holding your nose with a tissue.  OR because you're pregnant and you may as well have some fun with it, run through a public place screaming as blood runs down your face, "I think I'm in labor! I think I'm in labor!"

Swollen ankles, feet, hands
There are some exercises you can do to alleviate some of the extra pressure buildup but who really wants to spend the afternoon spelling out the alphabet with your ankles? The trick is to spend less time on your feet.  You may say, "but I have to be on my feet! I work all day!"  Simple solution.  Hire a strong person to carry you everywhere for 6-9 months.  Or just marry one.  So much less expensive.  If your husband really loves you, he will stop being so selfish and start pulling his weight-or yours.

Peeing all the time
You can thank your baby for hanging out on your bladder all day for this one.  Fear not!  There are many solutions!
1. Pee your pants. If this is uncomfortable for you, just order a pack of my soon-to-be-on-the-market Maternity Diapers.
2. Have your OB install a catheter.  So much fun, and you get your own urine bag strapped to your leg!
3. Actually get up and walk to the bathroom-I haven't tried this one personally, but supposedly it's very useful.

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