Thursday, August 25, 2011

Wolf Children in a Closet

Today I had a routine check up with my OB.  I had to pee in a cup. Again.  I don't really know what they're doing with all of my urine but it must be worth something because they freakin' love that stuff.  After I peed in the cup, I had to go back to the bathroom and pee again.  I really like going to the bathroom.  800 times a day. 

Then came the part where the nurse weighs me.  Let's just say I'm glad I went to the bathroom twice before she weighed me.  I gained 8 pounds in 4 weeks for a total weight gain of 17 pounds in 5 months.  I didn't realize how emotional this would make me but I kept sniffling all the way back to the examining room.  The nurse was like, "You're pregnant with twins!  You're tiny!"  People really like to tell you what you look like when you're pregnant. 

Yesterday I was at Crate and Barrel with my friend who was picking up all the supplies for her custom Elfa closet.  The man asked me if I was interested in a closet.  I told him we already had an Elfa closet because we're super fabulous.  He then noticed that we were both pregnant.  My friend smiled proudly and said, "Yeah, She's pregnant with twins!"  He said twins run in his family and his daughter has a good chance of having twins.  I said in earnest, "That's great!  She's so lucky!"  The man responded, "Yeah, we'll see how you feel in a year."  Now I HATE when people tell me what I'm going to feel like so I retorted, "Well, that's why we have the fabulous Elfa storage system-to put our two kids in when they piss me off."  Then I smiled politely and walked away from the counter.  I hope his daughter has quintuplets.
Place children here.  Courtesy of Elfa Storage Solutions.
So eventually the nurse leaves me alone and I'm left to play with my arm hair.  Back when I was about 6 at summer camp they showed us the Michael J. Fox movie, Teen Wolf.  I started crying and the counselors took me out of the room.  They asked what was wrong and I sobbed, "Look how hairy my arms are!  I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a werewolf!"  I'm sure the counselors thought, "Who on earth is this insane child?"  I continued to check out the windows nightly to see if there was a full moon on the horizon. 
Thanks M.J. You scarred me for life.
Eventually the doctor came into my examining room and we had a little chat about my weight.  He told me to limit sodium and sugar.  I felt a new string of emotions begin to take over my body.  With tears in my eyes, I choked out, "What am I supposed to eat?"  He even said to limit my fruit intake.  What the hell is fruit?  Is this guy a real doctor?  He looked at me with a sympathetic expression and asked if I had any more questions for him. 
To be honest the Burka was getting a little itchy and hot so I asked if there was anything I could do about the acne that has completely taken over my face.  The doctor asked me if I'd heard of Benzoyl Peroxide.  All I could think was, "Jeez, this is going to be about as helpful as Tylenol."  I put my hood back on and told him to send me the bill.


  1. Oh girl, the OB had to talk to me about my weight almost every visit. Have no fear, it does not matter what you do, your body is going to gain what it needs to, so I say embrace and enjoy whatever the hell you want! He's never been pregnant and has no clue what we go through. I worked out 3-4 days a week religiously until I was 39 weeks (insane, I realize), and when I "needed to watch me weight gain" I watched everything I ate...that's when I gained more!! Not to scare the crap out of you, but I gained 60lbs, but lost over 45lbs in the first two months post partum...yay breast feeding! I got crazy acne too and in places I didn't know you could get it. I tried everything, including proactiv, and the only thing that worked like a charm was some good old fashion vitamin D. Good thing you're in Atlanta where it is in abundance. I live in Chicago and was preggers during the fall and winter. I had to escape to Florida just to clear up my skin!

  2. Dude. You've only gained 17 pounds in 5 months?! Go back to the grocery store and go get those freakin donuts! :)

  3. You guys made my day! Cat-I am totally doing a Labor Day pool day. Who came up with this acne thing?? And Jaim, I'm on my way to the store :)

  4. Hey! i just started following your blog and am LOVING it. (i'm whitney and i was friends/acquaintances with Josh in High School so that's how i know about your blog.) We are like kindred spirits it seems. the weight thing is hard, and being told to watch it is WORSE. i feel for you. I'm pregnant now too! 20 weeks with our second and am currently obsessing with exercise and what i eat.. good luck. i'll keep following (and commenting) on your blog-- so funny and entertaining -- just wanted to introduce myself!! =)

  5. Hey Whitney!! I'm so glad you're following my blog! Congrats on your second baby :) And I guess on all the exercising...I'm about to cook some tilapia here for dinner so I hope my doctor reads my blog. I'd like to put him on the scale! Feel free to pass the blog around to expecting friends, friends with kids, or friends with a sense of humor! Keep me updated and good luck with everything. Feel great!

  6. oh, i may have failed to mention, i also got an "earful" with my first pregnancy, from various sources, about my weight gain. so THATs why i'm trying not to let it happen again-- sad. anyway, i will totally tell my friends about your blog! keep 'em coming


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