Monday, August 8, 2011

I've Got Class

Yesterday Josh and I took our first pregnancy class.  These, of course, are all for Josh as I am a pregnancy genius.  This was the "Baby Essentials for Multiples" class.  The class was 3 hours long so I armed myself with sandwich crackers, a poptart, water and a sweatshirt and we headed out the door. 
When we got to the class the teacher welcomed us and told us to pick up two baby dolls to bring to our "work station."  Since it had been 20 minutes since we left the house, I told Josh to get the dolls while I went to the bathroom. 

When I returned we had a little boy and little girl at our table-each weighing exactly 5 pounds.  Let me tell you, giving birth was easier than I thought it was going to be!  The little girl had a wide open mouth and big blue eyes.  She was a little freaky but I chose her to be the baby I would hold until I would eventually get bored with her and tell Josh to switch.  I stuck a permanent marker in her mouth and said, "No baby!  We do not eat permanent markers."  Then I slid her across the table and said, "You are not our favorite child."  Then I freaked out a little and turned to Josh.  "OMG, Josh.  This is so embarrassing.  Our little girl is wearing the same outfit as that couple's little girl!"

At this point, I think Josh was ignoring me and class was about to start, so I forgave my little girl for trying to eat a Sharpe and held her lovingly in my arms while checking movie times on my iPhone. 
The teacher went through all of the basics like swaddling, diapering, bathing, and placating two newborn babies.  There was also a really exciting moment when she passed around a laminated sheet showing newborn poop in different stages.  I don't know how these newborns got a hold of pesto or mustard but apparently they did.  Note to self...hire someone to change my kids' diapers.
Josh and I switched babies as I wanted some time with our boy.  He had eyes that opened and shut.  I leaned him toward Josh and let his eyes slowly open while saying in a whisper, "I'm going to kill you."  The couple next to us had a little Caucasian girl baby and an African American boy baby.  I turned to Josh and said, "I'm no expert but do you think we should tell them one of those babies might not be theirs?" 

I sat up straighter because the teacher began talking about clothes.  I expected some conversation about baby layettes and the essentials babies might need in different weather.  But it turns out, all the teacher wanted to talk about was dressing your kids alike.  I'm not one to dress my kids alike as they are people, not baby dolls, but everyone has their own opinion.  Also, and more importantly, if you are having two babies of the same sex, you have twice as many clothing options if you don't dress them alike!  More is more my friends. 
So the teacher started talking about her own twin boys and strongly stated, "If you want to dress your children alike, start early."  She was saying that one of her 7 year old boys was upset when he dressed in the clothes she laid out for him and walked into the kitchen to find he matched his brother.  I was like, no sh** lady!  Your son doesn't want to walk into his 2nd grade classroom in the same outfit as his brother?  Behind the teacher a picture of twins wearing blue and green outfits with matching hats was on the projector.  She turned to the screen and gushed, "Aren't these outfits the cutest?"  I whispered to Josh, "Those outfits are hideous.  That woman is not allowed within 50 feet of our chidlren."

We left the class with our baby DVD and books, armed to conquer the baby world.  Next week, We take a breastfeeding class.  I'm sure it will be very enlightening as I learn how I too can be a human cow. 

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