Eat This Not That

There are many people out there telling you what to do and what not to do when you're pregnant.  Well, I'm here to tell you how to do pregnancy right.  While some may not agree with my methods, they are morons.  Today we are discussing all of the foods you shouldn't eat while pregnant and some (ahem) healthier alternatives. 


Food to Avoid: Sushi
What the "Experts" Recommend: Vegetarian or cooked sushi
What I recommend: Fruit Roll Ups

Food to Avoid:  Lunch meats or hot dogs
What the "Experts" Recommend:  Heat to at least 160 degrees
What I recommend: Double bacon barbecue cheeseburgers topped with onion rings (vegetables are important during pregnancy)

Food to Avoid: Seafood high in mercury
What the "Experts" Recommend: Salmon, tilapia, shrimp
What I recommend: Swedish Fish

Food to Avoid: Lead
What the "Experts" Recommend: Check your tap water resource
What I recommend: Aw crap, I've been eating solid lead for weeks now.

Food to Avoid: Unpasteurized dairy products
What the "Experts" Recommend: skim milk, mozzarella, cheese labeled using pasteurized milk (duh)
What I recommend:  Whole blocks of cheddar on a sleeve of Ritz crackers

Food to Avoid: Excess caffeine
What the "Experts" Recommend: less than 200 milligrams a day
What I recommend: Coffee ice cream

Food to Avoid: Herbal Tea
What the "Experts" Recommend: Not herbal tea
What I recommend: You're seriously craving herbal tea while pregnant?  What is wrong with you?

Food to Avoid: Alcohol
What the "Experts" Recommend:  No level of alcohol has been proved safe
What I recommend: Virgin Lava Flows-that's a pina colada mixed with a strawberry daiquiri.  What what!

Food to Avoid: Excess Calories
What the "Experts" Recommend:  Choose foods that do double duty by providing the additional calories you need, as well as the extra nutrients that maximize your baby’s development. (Thank you WebMD)
What I recommend: You suck WebMD