Friday, September 23, 2011

Ashton Kutcher Hates My Babies

Last night I had a dream that I was making out with Ashton Kutcher.

You know you want me.

No no, not that Ashton Kutcher.

This Ashton Kutcher.

A little hairier but charming none the less

We were making out in a car that had two other people in it so needless to say, it wasn't exactly sexy.  In the middle of our steamy session, I reminded him that I was pregnant and expecting twins.  He looked at me so lovingly with admiration in his eyes.  I emphasized, "In December."  His look turned to sheer horror, "You mean in three months?"  Ashton turned away, obviously pissed off at me for ruining our fun time so quickly.  Maybe he thought he had more time with skinny me? (For some reason in the dream I wasn't showing.  I double checked when I woke up and I'm still a polar bear, so we're good.) 
Who knew babies could ruin the mood so quickly?  So now Ashton and I aren't on speaking terms.  I'm wondering if I should tweet him?  Send him a quick non-stalker-ish email? 

In other news, the linea negra has made a very faint appearance which I am completely excited about.  For those of you who don't know what this is, linea negra is Latin for "black line" and is a dark line caused by increased estrogen levels in pregnant women that appears above and below the belly button.

Exhibit A:

This is not a picture of my stomach.  My panties do not have little bows on them.  My panties do not have a right to be called panties.  They are old lady underwear.  And my stomach is not so smooth and pretty.  I have a light coat of fur on my tummy in preparation for my transformation into a bear.
Now the whole thing about this linea negra is that "experts" know what causes it but don't know what its purpose is.  Luckily, I know, and am here to impart my knowledge to you.

Some old wives say depending on how long it runs you can determine whether you're having a girl or a boy.  Let me tell you, some old wives are stupid.  Here are a few reasons why you have a linea negra:

1.  The darker your linea negra is, the more evil your child will be. (This is a fun comparison game with other pregnant women)
2.  Back in the old days, they did C-Sections based on the location of the linea negra.  Sort of like a dotted line for cutting.  Left an awful scar but since bikinis weren't so popular, nobody really cared.
3.  It's another weird thing happening to your body during pregnancy to  remind you that your children are taking over your body and will soon be taking over your life.  Good luck with that.

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