Wednesday, September 28, 2011

More of the Dumbest Inventions Ever

Today I'd like to debut some pointless maternity inventions as well as a couple sure to drive a pregnant lady more insane than she already is.

Dumb Invention #1: Pregnancy Spanx

I may be pregnant but I can still rock some stripper heels
Okay, hate to break it to you, but pregnancy isn't exactly an "I feel great about myself" time period.  But I also recognize the fact that my body's going to be the way it's going to be.  The last thing I'm going to do is cram my ass into some Spanx (which are already uncomfortable to begin with) while my belly is extending over the visual of my feet.  Sorry world, but I'm not exactly concerned if my thighs do a little jiggling while I'm out and about it my pajamas.  I'm not exactly out there to try to impress people with my pregnant body.  And as a very important side note, my feet haven't seen heels or even wedges in about 6 months.  Hate to disappoint but apparently I don't have a career in pregnancy modeling.

Dumb Invention #2: Belly Button "Popper Stoppers"

As if we don't already have body issues during pregnancy, now you're telling me that my protruding belly button is a nuisance?  Yes, please!  I'd like to pay twelve dollars and fifty four cents for a pack of over-sized band aids to cover up my belly button.  I'm sure it will be a life changing experience.  I mean, seriously?  If people are making money off of this crap, I totally want in!  Let's encourage the population of pregnant people to feel better about themselves by covering up their belly buttons!  Pregnant ladies unite!  Forget about our children's college funds, let's buy over priced ginormous band aids!

Dumb Invention #3: Fetal Heart Rate Monitor

Okay, As if I'm not already psycho enough about what my babies are doing in there-now I'm going to spend 18 hours a day listening to their heartbeats.  I'm sure the product isn't recommended for use like that but I can almost guarantee you that the pregnant ladies who have bought this are checking their fetal heart rates like a teeny bopper updates her Facebook status.  And the woman in the picture looks so calm and relaxed.  In real life, she'd be screaming at her husband, sweat at her brow "I can't hear a heartbeat!!! Call the ER!  What do we do?  Don't touch me!! You don't know what you're doing!!"  Trust me on this one.

Dumb Invention #4: Fetal Kick Counter

This little baby counts your little baby's kicks in your tummy.  Sounds cute, right?  It's not.  It's stupid. This follows along the lines of the fetal heart rate monitor.  Another device to drive a pregnant woman insane.  And p.s.  You could actually just lie there and count the times you feel your baby kick during a certain period of time.  And if you really need reassurance, call your doctor and bug him.  It's what they're there for.  And seriously, we've all been there.  Ahem.


  1. spanx and highheels, it's hysterical!

  2. No joke, huh! Next venture for Twinkadinks-a pregnant stripper clothing line. Sexy!


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