I Pity the Baby!

I'm not politically correct.  I don't believe in it.  It's a made-up phrase invented so that people don't offend other people with their true opinions about society, class, race...choice of ethnic food, whatever!  The only times I'm politically correct is when I'm lying so that people don't get a bad opinion of me.  I'm even a little politically correct on this blog or no one would read it, probably.  Although I'll throw in little moments here and there because you can't offend everyone on the same day, right? 

So here's one moment. 

I've told Josh multiple times that I wish we could have multracial/multicultural children because I think they're the cutest.  I love babies that come from parents from two separate backgrounds or races.  But Josh told me I can't have an African American or Asian baby because it's simply impossible.  I responded reasonably, "Well, they have to come from somewhere!"
Recently with my latest Pinterest obsession/addiction I have found a solution to all of my problems.

Incredible, right?  I mean, what will they think of next?  This world is a beautiful place, my friends.  A beautiful place.

Let Me Eat Cake.

You hear stories about husbands leaving bed at 2am to go get their pregnant wives curly fries or pickled beets-whatever her hormonal heart desires.  This is not my husband.  My husband is a villainous monster who wishes me 9 months of misery munching on cauliflower and grilled chicken breast.  Yesterday, before Josh left the office, I IMed him a little request.    4:33 PMme: can you bring me a piece of carrot cake?

 josh: sorry honey

4:34 PM me: please?

 josh: i love you, but no

4:35 PM me: just one piece?

 josh: sorry my love

 me: why are you insensitive to my needs?

4:36 PM josh: i'm very sensitive to your needs

4:37 PM me: it's not fair for your wife not to get a sweet

4:38 PM josh: you get a lot of sweets honey

 me: :(  At this point  I decided to send some persuasive emails to Josh.  I'd start with naked pictures but unfortunately I don't think they'd be an enticing argument for getting me carrot cake.  So I sent the following:

Subject: It's a vegetable                                                                        4:43 PM

 

Subject: Why don't you love me?                                                         4:44 PM

Subject: You're ruining my life                                                            4:45 PM

11 minutes

4:50 PM      josh: cute honey

 me: i have no idea what you're talking about

 josh: but i'm still sorry

 me: you are. you are a sorry human being

 josh: you've had a lot of desserts. we can take a day off

  i just want our babies to be healthy and you to be healthy. the doc said not so much sugar, so i want to follow his orders

4:51 PM me: this has nothing to do with you so don't say "We"

  the doctor is retarded

 josh: ok

 me: our babies just learned the F word

  can you come home already?

4:52 PM josh: i'll get on the 515 if you're nice

 me: only if i'm nice?

  what about you?

 josh: yes. otherwise i will stay here and hide

4:53 PM me: don't hide from me! because I'D FIND YOU  When Josh got home later he told me he had a surprise for me.  I looked to see if he had anything bulging out of his pockets.  Then I realized he brought his computer home."Wait, you're working from home tomorrow?? Yay!!...so.....no cake then?"     

   

A Lesson on Life Insurance That Will Teach You Absolutely Nothing About Life Insurance

Last night Josh and I had a meeting with a life insurance guy.
The great part about life insurance: You can get lots of money.
The bad part about life insurance: Someone has to die.
I've decided I hate life insurance.

But being the responsible people we (Josh) are, we had this meeting to decide how much money we want to spend every month to get a specific amount of money that we don't actually ever want to get.

As we discussed how much life insurance we would want, or basically how much money we'd need, the life insurance guy said his policy is for 5 million dollars.  I asked him if he ever catches his wife leering at him while sharpening a chef's knife.  But I'm assuming if you kill your husband the whole thing is null and void.

So then I asked him if it's possible to get life insurance on the cat.  He said they didn't offer pet life insurance policies.  I said, "Are you sure?  'Cause we could take her out in a minute."  I then told him we'd like to get a 10 million dollar life insurance policy on the cat.  I mean, I have no problem giving him a cut of the payout.  It's a solid investment and one less litter box for me (Josh) to clean.

I was going to post a life insurance video below to help you better understand whole and term life insurance but the videos were so freakin' boring that I decided to post a picture of my cat instead.

May she rest in peace (after her untimely death)

Twinkadinks With a Side of Fries

I have a love affair with McDonalds.  It started as soon as I could put one of their golden crispy french fries in my mouth.  I beg Josh to go there all the time now that I'm pregnant (an excuse to eat that crap, I suppose) and every time he tells me no.  He could care less about my happiness and would rather watch me suffer while choking down a nectarine.
In my 31 years of living, I have only ever eaten McNuggets and french fries at McDonalds.  No need for burgers or other frivolous nonsense.  I know what I like and I stick to it.  I even sent several nicely worded complaint letters (okay, hate mail) to McDonalds in 2004 when they switched to all white meat in their nuggets.  I don't go there because it's healthy and I'm not going to support someone trying to make it that way.
So now for the very special news I have to share with you.  Yesterday, Josh and I went on our hospital tour to get the ins and outs of what will happen on the day that the kids decide to make their debut.  I was especially pleased when the tour guide explained that in the hospital "the mom is boss."  I looked pointedly at Josh as he rolled his eyes and nodded, "I know."  So even though I won't exactly be wearing pants, I'll be wearing the pants, if you know what I mean.  My hospital is super nice and friendly and they have a baby store and a bra store and vending machines.  Who doesn't appreciate a good vending machine?  BUT-guess what else they have??

I'm lovin' it, bitches.

 
Yes, that's right.  THERE IS A MCDONALDS IN MY HOSPITAL.  So that means after I deliver the twinks, I expect extra large fries, McNuggets and a vanilla shake delivered to my bedside, pronto.  And Josh can kiss my french fry lovin' ass if he doesn't think he's getting me McDonalds on delivery day.  Got that Honey Bunches of Oats?  You're going DOWN-and I mean to the 1st floor of the main hospital, next to the hospital cafeteria and getting me that paper bag filled with golden fried goodness.  Because guess what else?  The hospital McDonalds is open 23 hours a day.  And if I calculate spending 3-5 days in the hospital, well, that's a hell of a lot of McDonalds for me.  I'm lovin' it.

You Know You're Still Hot When...

the guy in the Japanese restaurant in the mall food court hands over your chicken teriyaki, winks at you, and whistles as you turn to walk away.  Yeah, That. Just. Happened.

My Future Financial Plans Have Been Ruined

Many people talk about the financial responsibility that children bring and the adjustments that are necessary to keep your life running smoothly.  I saw this the other way around.  When I found out we were having two children at once, my world lit up like bouncing dollar signs in a Vegas casino.  Because I decided right then and there that these kids were going to be money makers.  I'm not talking about child modeling or slave labor-please, I'm not insane!  I'm talking about a full fledged, high class, going to allow us to retire in our 30s, lemonade stand!

Don't expect any baked goods.  This isn't a free-for-all, people!

So I had the plan all worked out and was even beginning construction on the stand when I found out some terrible and shocking news.  You have to have a business license to run and operate a lemonade stand.  Now this doesn't sound like a huge deal but having run my own (awesomely successful) business, I know there's a lot that goes into it-especially when dealing with edible product.  Why does the government have to make everything so difficult?  I was just planning on throwing a lemon slice in a plastic cup and filling it with water. 
Although, I haven't completely given up.  I'm sure we could work something out with the black market on days the kids don't have school.  It'll teach the kids go grow a backbone.  And it's never too early to learn good business practices.
And if you don't believe me about all of these shenanigans, just watch this little news clip. 

Let Them Eat Cake!

Pregnancy can be nerve racking but so can caring for your children!  Forget pregnancy fears.  Today I'd like to talk about the future fears I have for my little ones.  Being open and honest will hopefully help me to deal with some of these things now so they seem less scary later on.

Fear #1: My daughter will love horses
As I've said in the past, I am not an animal lover.  I love an animal on a plate in a restaurant smothered in au jus or in a cage in someone else's house.  In my 6 years of teaching first grade, I came across many little girls with a horse obsession.  I hate horses.  I don't understand how an animal can constantly smell like it's own sh**.  Josh and I spent a weekend in Charleston and let me tell you-they have ruined that beautiful city with horse and carriage rides.  Any time there was a carriage tour, I screamed, "Ewww! Horse!" and made Josh run across the street with me.  Needless to say, I do not need someone in our household cooing over horsey photos and asking if she can have a pony for her birthday.  A My little pony is acceptable because it's not real, smells like cake, and is painted.  So is a carousel horse.  Although carousel horses can make you throw up. 

We are coming for you.  You can run but you can't hide.

 

Fear #2: Yo Gabba Gabba
I'm hoping by the time my children can register what's happening on the television, that Yo Gabba Gabba is long gone.  I mean, seriously?  What the hell are those things?  Is it acceptable to teach our kids that you can walk around naked with huge red bumps all over you, one eye, and no anatomy?  I mean, I know we should teach our kids to be accepting of people that are different, but really??  Where is the appreciation for Sesame Street?  Elmo loves you, kids!  Of course, with my luck, in about two years, some evil person will bring back the Teletubbies. 

You think we're great but we scare the hell out of your mommy.

Fear #3: My kids won't like dessert
Strange but true phenomenon that I've heard of.  It's probably a very low percentage of children that don't actually consume cake but what will I do??  What if my kid doesn't smear cake all over his face on his first birthday?  Well, I know the answer to that.  I'll do it for him, take a picture, and for the rest of his life tell him how much he loved the cake on his 1st birthday.  Most people would probably be concerned that their children don't eat enough broccoli.  But I'm talking about pure joy.  Nobody eats a head of broccoli and then leans back with satisfaction and says, "That was some damn good broccoli."  But people definitely do that for cake.  Is it so wrong to hope that my children get the same joy from eating sweets that I do?  I'm not saying we'll be eating dessert all day long (okay, I might be eating dessert hidden in a closet somewhere) but I just want them to understand the importance of sugar.