Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Suck it, St. Joseph

I'd like to talk to you a little bit about the process of buying and selling a house.

Selling a house is super fun.  By super fun I mean it totally sucks. 

This time around, we sold our house in 2 days.  Amazing, right?

But let me take you back a couple of years.  Josh and I decided to put our house on the market before we had kids.
We were bright eyed and hopeful, putting out fresh flowers at the front door (which I routinely killed week after week and had to exchange at Lowes.  BTW, did you know you can return any plants to Lowes? Yup! Kill them and take 'em back so you can kill 'em again!).

Weeks went by with barely a showing on our cute little house.  So my dear sister, who is also our realtor, brought us St. Jospeh, a realtor trick to help you sell your house.
I am St. Joseph.  I am a plastic toy.  You just spent $5.99 on me.  Idiot.
Let me tell you a little bit about St. Joseph.  According to some random website, St. Joseph is the Patron Saint of real estate and home sales.  I mean, for real?  Do we really need a saint of home sales?  Can anyone just be a saint of anything?  In that case, I'm the Saint of Krispy Kreme donuts and online retail therapy.  Someone start making a plastic statue.

So anyway, you get this little statue of good 'ole Joe and you say this little prayer that comes on a paper in the box and then you bury the statue in the front yard of the home you're trying to sell.

Never against doing something a little unusual (I once had a funeral for my mom's guinea pig while she and my step dad were on a cruise and he died under my care), I had a proper burial for St. Joseph in our front yard.  Then I did a little rain dance in front of our tree and waited for the offers to come in.

A few more weeks went by and NOTHING.  And all I could think was, WTF St. Joseph?  Why the hell did I bury you if you're just going to lay there in the dirt and do nothing?

So, that morning I went out into our front yard and I dug him up.   Then I put him under the back tire of my car.  And I ran over him.  Repeatedly.

Needless to say, we didn't sell our house back then.  I blame St. Joseph.  Him, and setting my hopes on a plastic doll.

But this year, we sold our house!  And we bought a new house!
But let me tell you the very best thing about buying a house, aside from the fact that you bought a house.

You get to go to your closing!
Closings are so cool.  It's like going to a business meeting (which I've never been to) but way more fun because there's Diet Coke and candy!

Actual bowl of candy at closing
It was the best closing of my life.  So every year, on our closing date, I'm going to have a party.  With Diet Coke.  And candy.  And everyone leaves with a bottle of wine.

1 comment:

  1. Ha ha! I would like to be the patron saint of coffee and cupcakes. By the way, so glad you sold your house without the help of the lame-o plastic thingy.


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