I never realized how awesome I was until I had twins. (Okay, I knew how awesome I was, but now I talk about it openly). I went from being your run of the mill, average, naturally gorgeous 31 year old to a paparazzi-worthy super star. How did I do this you ask?
Double the accessories.
If you're thinking about having one baby, stop right this minute. You need to have two. At the same time. Or you're not worth being noticed. No offense. But seriously, offense. Who does your lazy ass think you are having just one baby?
So here's the way it works.
Before you go out with your two babies, buy a very expensive stroller. It draws attention to you, your fabulousness, and finally, your two poopers.
I bought this one:
This is the baby Jogger City Select. My babies look totally hot in it. As soon as you step into your favorite mall/restaurant/coffee shop/wine bar ;) people will notice you. There will be whispers, pointing, stares... And finally some gutsy old lady will come up to you:
Old Lady: Are they twins?
Me: No. One is 5 and the other is 12.
Old Lady: Wow. You've got your hands full.
Me: Sure do, Old Lady.
Old Lady: A boy and a girl?
Me: No, it's two boys but the smaller one is really into hair accessories.
Old Lady: Well isn't that sweet. You're so lucky!
Me: I sure am. Would you like an autographed photo?
Old Lady: You look great for having twins!
Me: Thanks. What if I didn't have twins? Would you still stop me to tell me I look great?
Old Lady: They must keep you busy.
Me: Nah, I pretty much just keep them in a padded room so I know they're safe and go about my day.
Old Lady: Are they good babies?
Me: I actually think they plot evil murderous takeovers after I put them to bed, but other than that I don't have any complaints.
Old Lady: Well, you enjoy them. They grow so fast!
Me: You're telling me. Would you like to donate money to my babies just started eating "real" food fund and it's taking over my life?
At this point, we usually part ways after a couple photo ops and a few more adoring fans. I don't really mind when people touch the babies except when they do it without asking.
I mean, honestly. Wouldn't you be a little weirded out if someone came up to you and started playing with your hand and rubbing your head? Why, because this person is miniature, is that now acceptable?
I'm trying to teach my kids to barf on command when strangers touch them. But I don't think baby bulimia is seen as socially acceptable. Actually, I don't think any bulimia is seen as socially acceptable which is why bulimics don't exactly throw up in public like we're in ancient Rome.
But back to the topic at hand. I'm sending out autographed photos of myself and the twins to one randomly selected person who comments on this blog post. I know, totally awesome prize. Don't you all comment at once.