Thursday, December 6, 2012

There is no Santa, Asshat.

So as you may or may not know, I'm a Pinterest junkie.  Seriously follow me.  I rock at pinning.  And shopping.  And shopping for things I pin.  And eating cake.  But that's neither here nor there.

Often, I come across pins that are just plain stupid.  You might think they're sweet or sentimental, like the one, "30 ideas for Dads of little girls," which suggests picking posies together in fields of fluffy bunnies and rainbows while Pachelbel's Cannon plays from naked baby angels peeking through the clouds above...

But really, they're just stupid.  With the Christmas season upon us, and me being a frustrated Jew feeling like I'm missing out on all the mistletoe and glass balls, I found the following pin which I couldn't resist sharing.

A letter to your child who asks about Santa:

Seriously?  Did anyone else just barf on their MacBook keyboard?

"Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness??"  Are you effing kidding me?  A Krispy Kreme donut is love and magic and hope and happiness.

In order to leave a little mystery to your Christmas fantasies, I'm not going to divulge the real truth about Santa.

However, if I were to write a letter to my kids about Santa, it would probably go something like this:

Dear Kids,
First of all, don't you think it's weird that you asked me a question and I decided to make you wait while I formulate a response on paper?
You asked if Mom and Dad are Santa.
1.  The answer is no.  We're not Santa.  There's no such thing as Santa. 
2.  We're Jewish.  Go fry some potatoes.
3.  We'd like to reconvene in a couple of years to discuss the tooth fairy.
Chag Sameach,
Mom and Dad


  1. Ok girlie, it's time to sharpen your bloggin pencil (forgive me for the's 12:37am and I was too dumb to go to sleep when my kids did). I love Josh's sweet monthly posts but you crack me up and I want more, dangit!

  2. Baaaaahhhhhhhh! Reading this at work trying really hard not to laugh outloud because everyone thinks I'm crazy when I do. Really want to repost, but I know I will offend too many people for blogging good, I'll leave that up to you! I want a krispy kreme now.

  3. Your post on this is really mean. I think these parents handled it well. And, maybe the reason they didn't answer immediately is because they needed to think about what they wanted to say. It is not your tradition, obviously, but that doesn't mean you should trash it. I think they were caring and loving in their answer, and this post by you makes you sound like a jerk.


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