As part of my "baby genius" series on the blog, I will be offering different tutorials to help new parents with the different tasks that emerge when caring for baby.
This will also help non-parents decide whether or not they want to take on the task of actually being parents.
Today's tutorial is about changing a newborn baby. This is a special time where you can bond with your baby by talking to him or her, singing songs...
The steps below are for a typical changing. You may notice that a changing can require more or less steps depending on the day. Or time of day. And you'll have plenty of time to practice as you'll change your newborn anywhere from 8-12 times a day!
1. Make sure you have a designated changing area stocked with wipes, diapers, butt cream, baby lotion, a changing pad and potentially a pad to protect your changing pad (it's all about keeping the baby retailers in business, people).
2. Take unsuspecting stinky and wet newborn to changing area.
3. Place newborn on changing pad.
4. Wait for inevitable scream of bloody murder before removing any of the newborn's clothes.
5. Unsnap newborn onesie and slide the outfit behind the baby's back to avoid poop and pee on the clothes.
6. Open diaper to reveal mass of stinky, oddly colored poop (insert your own expletive to yell out here. Holy Sh*t! always works).
7. Call spouse into the room to discuss the color and consistency of your child's bowel movement.
8. Ask spouse to Google the description of the poop to make sure it's "normal."
9. Use a cold wipe to clean the area. Use 18 more wipes.
10. Place wipes in diaper and throw diaper away.
11. Yell more expletives at the diaper champ as you try to throw the diaper away because the bag is overflowing and the lid won't turn for the diaper to go in.
12. Look back at your infant as a stream of urine flows onto the table and down the nearby wall (depending on the sex of your baby of course).
13. Use the clean outfit under the infant to try to "catch" the urine.
14. Wipe the infant and the wall with more baby wipes.
15. Lift the naked baby to replace the pad that protects your changing pad cover.
16. Place a clean diaper underneath the newborn.
17. Use it to catch the stream of diarrhea flowing out of your baby's bottom.
18. Repeat steps 9-11.
19. Place a clean diaper underneath the newborn.
20. Dress the baby in a new onesie.
21. Spend 5 minutes trying to find the child's arms to pull through the sleeves.
22. Pick up your baby and admire your handiwork.
23. Lean slightly away from the baby to avoid the projectile vomit spewing forth from it's mouth.
24. Use 3 or more burp cloths to clean the spit up off your baby, the floor, yourself...
25. Repeat steps 20-22.