Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News!

 Crazy as it is, our 2 month check up is in about a month and I've already started compiling a list of questions to ask our pediatrician.
New moms are psycho.  I know this because I'm a new mom.  But I've found if I keep organized with my 800,000 concerns, it's easier to prioritize and Google search so that I can properly diagnose my children. 
As a side note, we do happen to be very medically savvy and knowledgeable in our house because Josh works with Dr. Oz's website, which makes Josh a certified medical genius.  P.s.: Does anyone else thing Dr. Oz looks like he's about to turn into a werewolf?

Watch out bitches, looks like a full moon...

Here are some of the questions I have for our pediatrician.

1.  When do babies realize their hands are attached to their bodies so they stop hitting themselves in the head?
2.  How soon can I teach my kids to drive a car so they can run errands and do the things I can't do because I'm taking care of two babies?
3.  Is there a way to tape a pacifier to my child's face without being reported to child services?
4.  No matter how many times we change and bathe them, why do the kids always smell like a mixture of spit up and butt cream?
5.  Why are babies nostrils so small?  It makes it really difficult to pick my kids' noses.
6.  Why do babies' music groups like The Wiggles make me want to slit my own throat?
7.  Austin recently started balding.  Do they make Rogaine for babies?
8.  How do the babies get dirt under their fingernails.  They do NOTHING.
9.  Why do my babies have different genitalia?  I thought they were twins.
10.  When will my kids eat normal food like human beings?
11.  When will the babies learn how to burp themselves?   
12.  When will I fit into my old jeans?  Seriously.
13.  Is spit up worth anything on the black market?
14.  Do you know anyone who works for the black market?
15.  Giving baby Zantac in a medicine dropper is a pain in the ass.  When can the babies swallow pills?
16.  Do you make housecalls?
17.  Can I have your cell phone number in case I have any other questions?