Friday, July 29, 2011

An Awesome Post, OBviously.

Yesterday I had an appt with my OB.  Having twins means double the doctor appointments.  I like going to my OB for many reasons:

1.  The cafeteria menu is listed inside the elevator and it changes weekly.
2.  The lunch special on the cafeteria menu is only $4.99 and always sounds delicious.
3.  They have magazines where I learn everything I need to know about having babies.  I am totally prepared.
4.  There are other pregnant women there so I can ask them when they're due and then compare our fatness based on our respective due dates.
5.  When I have to get my blood drawn they always tell me what a good job I did.

At this particular appointment we listened to the babies' heartbeats and they told me their numbers, which is about as meaningful to me as knowing the score in a cricket match so I smiled and nodded because the nurse didn't seem freaked out.
*Weird fact about baby's heart beats shared by a nurse:  Do you know some moms like to record the heartbeat and make it their ringtones?  WTF weird ass moms?  Are you trying to scare the entire whole of America when your phone rings in public?  It's like a Darth Vader attack mixed with the sound of the end of the world (Don't get me wrong, it's truly beautiful to hear your baby's heart beat and all that shmultzy stuff...)

Then the doctor came in, measured my stomach, told me I was fat and asked me some questions.
Doctor: Um, what are you doing?

Me: (As I try to saw my neck off with the blood pressure measuring thing)  Oh, I'm just trying to saw my neck off with the blood pressure measuring thing.

Doctor: And why are you doing that?

Me:  You see I have these headaches that make me fantasize about jumping off of parking decks or running over my head with a 4-wheeler.

Doctor:  You should take extra strength tylenol

(I resume trying to saw my neck off)

Doctor: Or, I recommend small meals and plenty of protein

Me:  Do 5 pound blocks of cheese count for protein?

Doctor:  Well, that's one option...

Now, I'm sure the doctor knows what he's talking about but I get my share of protein.  Why, just this morning for breakfast I had seasoned beef tenderloin, a pop tart, and a cheese stick.  I should WRITE the baby books.

So here I am, eating my afternoon snack of cheddar and gouda sliced onto swiss, pondering the great questions of pregnancy.
Why can't my bladder empty itself all at once?  Is it really necessary for me to wear clothes everywhere?  Do I have more of a responsibility to act like I care about other people's babies now that I'm pregnant?  Does Target give cash back or only store credit?  Where did this cat come from?

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