I Will Cut You

Because I may or may not be incapacitated after giving birth, I have started planning our joint bris and baby naming.  A bris is a public circumcision.  Apparently, us Jews think it's totally appropriate to lop off the tip of a child's penis in front of family and friends, followed by a full spread of bagels, lox, cream cheese and other edible stereotypes.  So after the "whack attack" on our little boy, both our children will receive their Hebrew names and then be whisked away like little celebrities to go nap and probably barf on something.

I've been calling different Mohels (ordained penis choppers) in town to figure out who we're going to use.  After extensive research I IMed Josh.

3:25 PM  I think I found the person to do our bris

  and he's $100 cheaper than the other guy

 josh: how much does he cost?

 me: $500

3:26 PM josh: ok. no price is too much for my little baby boy to be ok

 me: awww sweetie

  too bad no one will get to eat

 josh: although a doctor doing it for free at the hospital sounds like a sweet deal

 me: no sh*t

3:27 PM can't we just pretend to cut it at the bris and then say, "he was so good!! he didn't cry at all!"

  nobody gets close enough anyway

 josh: i mean, probably

 me: hell, if we're doing it that way, i want to perform the "bris"

 josh: dont get carried away

3:28 PM me: i don't actually have to cut anything! it'll be easy

  remember, i used to do theater

3:30 PM josh: oh yeah

 me: and i think my belly button's beginning to pop out

3:31 PM totally attractive

3:34 PM ok. serious question

3:35 PM why don't we have skittles here?

 josh: i dont know