Wolf Children in a Closet

Today I had a routine check up with my OB.  I had to pee in a cup. Again.  I don't really know what they're doing with all of my urine but it must be worth something because they freakin' love that stuff.  After I peed in the cup, I had to go back to the bathroom and pee again.  I really like going to the bathroom.  800 times a day. 

Then came the part where the nurse weighs me.  Let's just say I'm glad I went to the bathroom twice before she weighed me.  I gained 8 pounds in 4 weeks for a total weight gain of 17 pounds in 5 months.  I didn't realize how emotional this would make me but I kept sniffling all the way back to the examining room.  The nurse was like, "You're pregnant with twins!  You're tiny!"  People really like to tell you what you look like when you're pregnant. 

Yesterday I was at Crate and Barrel with my friend who was picking up all the supplies for her custom Elfa closet.  The man asked me if I was interested in a closet.  I told him we already had an Elfa closet because we're super fabulous.  He then noticed that we were both pregnant.  My friend smiled proudly and said, "Yeah, She's pregnant with twins!"  He said twins run in his family and his daughter has a good chance of having twins.  I said in earnest, "That's great!  She's so lucky!"  The man responded, "Yeah, we'll see how you feel in a year."  Now I HATE when people tell me what I'm going to feel like so I retorted, "Well, that's why we have the fabulous Elfa storage system-to put our two kids in when they piss me off."  Then I smiled politely and walked away from the counter.  I hope his daughter has quintuplets.

Place children here.  Courtesy of Elfa Storage Solutions.

So eventually the nurse leaves me alone and I'm left to play with my arm hair.  Back when I was about 6 at summer camp they showed us the Michael J. Fox movie, Teen Wolf.  I started crying and the counselors took me out of the room.  They asked what was wrong and I sobbed, "Look how hairy my arms are!  I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a werewolf!"  I'm sure the counselors thought, "Who on earth is this insane child?"  I continued to check out the windows nightly to see if there was a full moon on the horizon. 

Thanks M.J. You scarred me for life.

Eventually the doctor came into my examining room and we had a little chat about my weight.  He told me to limit sodium and sugar.  I felt a new string of emotions begin to take over my body.  With tears in my eyes, I choked out, "What am I supposed to eat?"  He even said to limit my fruit intake.  What the hell is fruit?  Is this guy a real doctor?  He looked at me with a sympathetic expression and asked if I had any more questions for him. 
To be honest the Burka was getting a little itchy and hot so I asked if there was anything I could do about the acne that has completely taken over my face.  The doctor asked me if I'd heard of Benzoyl Peroxide.  All I could think was, "Jeez, this is going to be about as helpful as Tylenol."  I put my hood back on and told him to send me the bill.