You Raise Me Up

My children are such a disappointment.

The Indoor Playground

Remember that party you went to in high school?  The one at the abandoned warehouse/parentless friend's house/downtown loft that you were totally not supposed to be at?  It was the party where at first you thought it might be fun-a little scandalous and a little outside the norm.  But after a short while you couldn't find your friends, felt the walls closing in on you, and were dying of thirst because you weren't sure you should be drinking any of the liquid offered at this party.

Guess what?  You're back at that party.  With two year olds.  I'd like to introduce you to the indoor playground.  It's loud, smelly, loud and full of other people's kids-the worst kind.  We have a few of these playgrounds here in Atlanta.  They have cute little names like Hippo Hop, Jump Jump, Catch Air...  when what you're most likely going to catch is The Ebola Virus. 

On a rainy Sunday (two words never to be associated with an indoor playground) Josh and I take the lunatics to our local indoor hell hole.

I take on Summer duty while Josh takes on Austin duty.  Austin likes to run all over the place while I prefer to sit on my ass with the child that typically walks in circles in a 2 square foot radius before making the epic decision to go down the 3 foot slide.

I strike up a conversation with another mother whose daughter also happens to go to Austin and Summer's Academy for Geniuses.  She remarks how cute and sweet my child is, and is impressed by the gargantuan bow on my child's head.  I drink in the praise eager to show her that I not only have one adorable, lovely, perfect child, but she comes as a set.  She is, in fact, a twin!

I see Austin running over with a big grin on his face, followed by his daddy.  

I'm about to remark to the other mother, "Oh! Here comes my son!" just as Austin approaches and proceeds to smack the woman's daughter on her head repeatedly with both hands.  The woman, appalled, comforts her crying little girl, while Josh swings Austin away to have a chat about child abuse and spend some quality time out. 

I turn to the woman and say, "My goodness, people just need to keep a better eye on their children" before excusing myself and Summer to go play away from such a fragile, sensitive child.

I, however, am not the least big surprised by Austin's behavior.  Just last week I snuck a peek in his classroom as I saw him repeatedly smacking a baby doll and telling his teacher, "Baby is crying! Baby is crying!"

I'll say what every other mom is thinking- as long as it's not MY baby crying, we're good to go.

Mommy's Wiping Her Penis

So fast forward about a year from whatever you read last and here I am with my almost two and a half year old twins in the bathroom of one of our favorite lunch spots.

Going to the bathroom at a restaurant is always a challenge.  And I'm just talking about ME going to the bathroom.  The kids don't count because I won't let them get potty trained.  I prefer them in diapers.  Their pants fit better, it's amusing to me that they can pee and poop in any situation, anywhere AND I love spending money on things we don't necessarily need.  Just ask my husband.

So I ask myself multiple questions when I have to go to the bathroom at a restaurant.
1.  Do I REALLY have to go?
2.  How long can I hold this before I develop a urinary tract infection or my bladder bursts?
3.  How important is my bladder, after all?

Once I decide to make the obligatory trip to the bathroom, I have to decide if I'm going to bring the children.
1.  How sketchy are the people sitting around me?  Would they steal my children if I just leave them here?
2.  How insane are my children today?  Would somebody even want to take them home with them?

Sidebar:  I seriously heard the other day that a kid was abducted from his driveway but was returned the same day because he would not stop singing Gospel songs.  If that's true, I totally need to start teaching my kids some Gospel.

Eventually, I decide to take the kids with me, which often means Summer bringing a piece of a pancake or quesadilla to the restroom, because, heaven forbid she go 3 minutes without food.

Bringing toddlers in a public setting is always a questionable decision because you never know what they might say.  A bathroom is even worse because the conversation is entirely run by the potty.
So today, we're in the stall, I finish doing what I have to do, and Austin yells out, "Mommy's wiping her penis!"

Well, this is just wrong.

First of all, I don't have a penis.  And the last thing I'm going to do is let my son go back to preschool tomorrow telling his teachers I wipe my penis.  So of course, I correct him.

Me: "Mommy doesn't have a penis, honey.  Mommy is a girl."

Summer: (48 decibels louder) "Mommy has a vagina like Summer!!"

Austin: "I have a penis.  I'm a boy.  Daddy have a penis too!"

Summer: "VAGINA! VAGINA!!"

Austin: "PENIS! PENIS!!"

Who knows if everyone in the restaurant heard but they all have penises or vaginas too so the conversation is actually pretty banal.

When we return to our seats, Austin announces that he wants to go poop on the potty.  And because he's not potty trained I tell him to sit and eat his food.

But he continues to shriek about pooping on the potty.  This wouldn't be so awkward if people were less PC and more willing to talk openly about their bowel movements, but apparently talking about pooping in public is a faux pas.

I tell him to poop in his diaper.  That's what it's there for.  He won't have any of it.  So we return to the bathroom but leave Summer to fend for herself in the restaurant because there's no way I'm taking her away from her mound of uneaten food.  I ask everyone in the restaurant to watch her.  They seem like good people.

So I spend the next ten minutes in the bathroom stall listening to Austin say, "I poopin' Mommy!" while he just sits there pressing on his little penis and making zero progress.

Did we make potty training progress today?  Couldn't care less.  I can tell you one thing.  When I'm ready to actually potty train my kids, they are not getting candy, rewards or cheers for peeing in the toilet.
No one cheers me on for peeing in a toilet or gives me a bowl of ice cream for going #2.

Welcome to the real world, kids.  All you need to know is boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.  And you don't get candy for pooping on the potty.

We are ONE!!

I can't even begin to talk about this incredible first year with my babies.  So I won't.  Josh will.

Austin and Summer,

As I sat down to write this 12-month post, I was in a reflective kind of mood.  That shouldn’t be at all surprising considering this marks the one year anniversary of your birth, and first birthdays are kind of a big deal.  So I went back and read each of the 11 previous posts to remind myself of the journey we’ve taken as a family over the last year.  As part of that, I also went back and looked at some of the congratulatory emails we received last December.

As you can imagine, when you guys were born we heard from a lot of people that wanted to tell us how excited they were for us that you had arrived.  Lots of those emails included messages about how those people had felt during their kids’ childhoods.  One such note really stood out to me because the author mentioned that he didn’t really remember much from when his kids were newborns.  At the time, you were so young that I practically remembered every second of your lives.  I knew every inch of your bodies, every mannerism, and every sound you ever made.  The thought that I might ever NOT remember every second of your lives seemed preposterous. I literally couldn’t imagine ever forgetting any of those moments we shared together in the first few weeks of your lives.  But as more time has passed, obviously some of those moments have been forgotten.  Sure, many of them are etched in my memory, but the picture of your lives broadens every day.  I obviously cherish all of the individual moments we’re able to share together, but now there’s also a more collective view of you that I see.  That view includes knowing that when Austin is upset, he’ll invariably find his puppy, put two fingers in his mouth, and grab puppy by the ears that are soaked from being sucked on all day, or that Summy is our expressive little girl who wants to tell us about everything she sees, so she points to it and says her famous “duh” sound.  While I sometimes wish I could capture your entire lives on videotape and just watch it over and over, I also know that if I were to do that, I’d be missing everything that you do each day, which would be the worst crime possible since every new day with both of you is somehow even better than the previous day.

And then another thought struck me.  What if YOU guys don’t remember these times.  The reality is, you won’t have any specific memories of anything for your first few years, and that just seems so cruel and unfair to me.  These are the sweetest days, where we can spend hours just playing on the floor together, kissing you guys into giggle fits, holding and hugging you for as long as you’ll let us until you’re ready to go play again.  And sure, all of this will be implanted into who you are and who you become, but it does seem unfair that you won’t share the same memories of this first year that your mom and I have.  So, since you might be moody teenagers when you read this, let me take this opportunity to remind you of a few things: 

Austin, you are just about the sweetest tempered baby possible, and you’re a major daddy’s boy.  When I come home from work or even just downstairs after being away for a few minutes, the first sound I hear is your big hands slapping the wood floor as you come crawling over to me.  I hope you never lose that sweetness about you because, even if you want to have a tough exterior, having a sweet interior will allow you to love and be loved in a way you otherwise wouldn’t be able to experience. 

Summy, you’re our sweet, shy baby out in public but our silly little girl at home.  You always make new people work hard to earn your affections (if you’re reading this as a teenager, that better still be the case), but when it’s just the four of us, you’re always smiling and giggling up a storm.  We can tell that you have a bit of a wild side to you and you definitely like to make your own rules.  I already know that you’re going to push our buttons every now and then, and that’ll be part of your process of becoming a grown up.  But I also hope you know that sometimes when we make rules for you, it’s because we want the best for you, unconditionally.  And sometimes your parents really do know best.  

All of these amazing things you do, tendencies you’ve formed, and personalities you’ve developed have really created the people you’ve become.  I can’t wait to see if Austin stays the happy-go-lucky kind of kid that always has those eyes that tell you that he’s in on the joke.  Or if Summer will keep her poker face as the serious façade that covers up that huge smile when she knows it’s ok to let loose a little.  Whether those things change or stay the same, always know that your mommy and daddy love you all the way, every day.

In other news, we have to give a report on your first birthday party since your mom is quite the event planner.  The theme was hair bows and bow ties, and you guys were both adorable in your outfits (Summy, you were in a ridiculously poofy pink dress; Austin, you were in a collared shirt with a sweater vest and a bow tie).  You guys will never remember it, but there will be a ton of pictures to memorialize it, and they will undoubtedly show how much time and energy your mom took to make the day amazing.  There were all kinds of decorations with a coordinated color scheme, handmade hair bows and bow ties as party favors, cookies in those same shapes, lots of fun activities for you and all of your friends, and incredible chalkboard artworks that mommy made for each of you detailing some of your favorite things.  When we brought out your smash cakes, you guys were very neat with how you ate it, probably partially because you had never eaten cake and icing, but also because you are such experienced eaters.  For right now, it seems that you prefer goat cheese and portabello mushrooms over butter and sugar, but that probably won’t last for very long. 

So, that’s all for this note.  There are literally a million more things I could write, but at some point every writer has to decide when to put down his pen.  The last thing I’ll say is thank you so much for making the last year the most incredible and memorable of my life.  I love you both more than even seems possible, and yet somehow I really do love you more and more each day.  I’ll check in again next month, and hopefully I’ll be in a much less sappy mood by then.

Love,

Daddy 

There is no Santa, Asshat.

So as you may or may not know, I'm a Pinterest junkie.  Seriously follow me.  I rock at pinning.  And shopping.  And shopping for things I pin.  And eating cake.  But that's neither here nor there.

Often, I come across pins that are just plain stupid.  You might think they're sweet or sentimental, like the one, "30 ideas for Dads of little girls," which suggests picking posies together in fields of fluffy bunnies and rainbows while Pachelbel's Cannon plays from naked baby angels peeking through the clouds above...

But really, they're just stupid.  With the Christmas season upon us, and me being a frustrated Jew feeling like I'm missing out on all the mistletoe and glass balls, I found the following pin which I couldn't resist sharing.

A letter to your child who asks about Santa:

Seriously?  Did anyone else just barf on their MacBook keyboard?

"Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness??"  Are you effing kidding me?  A Krispy Kreme donut is love and magic and hope and happiness.

In order to leave a little mystery to your Christmas fantasies, I'm not going to divulge the real truth about Santa.

However, if I were to write a letter to my kids about Santa, it would probably go something like this:

Dear Kids,
First of all, don't you think it's weird that you asked me a question and I decided to make you wait while I formulate a response on paper?
You asked if Mom and Dad are Santa.
1.  The answer is no.  We're not Santa.  There's no such thing as Santa. 
2.  We're Jewish.  Go fry some potatoes.
3.  We'd like to reconvene in a couple of years to discuss the tooth fairy.
Chag Sameach,
Mom and Dad

One Month Shy of One Year Old!

So here we are.  Almost one year into my babies' lives and I'm posting for like, the fifth time.  Maybe in their second year I'll make it a point to blog more.  Or maybe I'll use all my free time to sit on my ass watching Gossip Girl and Dawson's Creek on Netflix.  There's always that shiny new year excitement before Auld Lang Syne slowly fades way to a more crowded workout establishment and shorter lines at my local Krispy Kreme.  Luckily I have almost a month until I have to make my new year's resolutions or the resolution to make no resolutions.  Obviously I have a lot to think about.  Without further ado... the hubs.

Month 11

Austin and Summer,

When I was growing up, and for most of my life, I’ve been full of ambition.  As a very young kid, I went to work for your Papa in the Variety Sales warehouse during the summers, pulling orders off the shelves in 100 degree heat because I loved the idea of getting paid at the end of the week.  A few years later, I started going to sleepaway camp during the summers, but that didn’t limit my entrepreneurial spirit.  I used to borrow a few comic books from a friend at the beginning of the summer, play poker for comics with my fellow campers, accumulate hundreds of comic books, and then sell them back to the other kids when their stashes were getting low.  In high school, I always had a job or other gig that was bringing in some money.  College was mostly the same, typically through the stock market, which was exploding at the time (though you should know that the stock market doesn’t always go up, and I wasn’t always a winner).  And then after college, I took about the most ambitious job I could possibly find, becoming an investment banker and working over a hundred hours a week most weeks.  Then about a year ago, I joined a startup company because I loved the idea of participating in something entrepreneurial and the thought of hard work trying to build something from the ground up was always exciting to me. 

I did all of those things because they either furthered my career, or because I liked money, or both.  And the truth is, I still want to further my career and I still like money, but since you guys came around, I’ve found myself wanting to be with you and your mommy more than anything else.  Even with my flexible hours, I’m still gone from the house most days from about 7-5.  You go to sleep at 7, so that only leaves about 2 hours that we get to spend together.  Some days it’s even less if traffic is bad or I have a conference call that starts late or some other similarly lame excuse.  My best salvation those days is the texts from mommy of photos or videos of you guys that at least give me some pseudo-interaction with you while I’m gone.  But that severely pales in comparison to when I get home at the end of the day and open the garage door and mommy says “Daddy’s home” and I hear both of your little hands pounding on the floor as your crawl your way over to me with those huge smiles on your face. 

This month, we got to spend lots of extra time together when your mommy took her first trip out of town since you were born, heading up to New York City for a long weekend with NaNa and Aunt Aimee.   Being home alone with two 11 month olds probably would have made a lot of dads in my situation a little bit nervous, but honestly, the thing that I was most concerned about was picking out your clothes (that is strictly a mommy job unless it’s a Saturday during football season).  Knowing that was my biggest fear, mommy laid out your clothes before she went and left the rest up to me.  It turned out to be such a fun few days for us.  We had some great help from your Nana, Aunt Aurora, and the first visit from your Uncle Greg.  But for the most part, we just spent the weekend together hanging out.  We played together in the playroom, ate tons of your favorite foods, took some long walks together in your stroller, and even did bath time every night (though you bathed separately instead of together).  And as much as you guys became even more attached to me during those few days (Austin, you are definitely going through a major “daddy” phase right now), the reality is that I also became so much more attached to both of you.  I didn’t even think that was physically possible, but somehow it was. 

We had lots of other fun stuff happen this month, too.  You turned 11 months on Thanksgiving Day, which brought with it a bunch of visitors to Atlanta.  In addition to the whole in-town crew, you got to spend a lot of time with your Sabba, Aunt Shira, Uncle Ari and his girlfriend Lindsay, who all stayed with us, and your NaNa and Papa were back in town, too. 

Summer, I think Thanksgiving was probably the best day of your life so far.  To say that you are a good eater is the biggest understatement of all time.  You literally grab your food by the handful and shove it into your mouth.  It doesn’t matter the food or the combination, you just love to eat.  It’s extremely adorable, especially since you’re such a dainty little princess.  Austin, the gruff linebacker, likes to eat his meals bite by bite, making sure he knows exactly what is going in his mouth, but Summer just piles it in without any regard for, well, anything. 

Other newsworthy items from the month:

·       You’re both sort of saying words.  Austin, you’ve definitely said “ball” quite a few times and you even occasionally say “hi” as you wave hello.  Summy, every morning coming down the stairs, you try to say “cat” when you see Eden.  Your pronunciation isn’t perfect, but it’s the effort that counts.

·       Speaking of the cat, you’re both pretty obsessed with her.  You crawl around the house following her wherever she goes.  It’s pretty cute, and mommy and I are glad that at least someone loves her.

·       Summy, you absolutely love books.  When mommy picks out a book and asks you guys if you want to read, you coming crawling right over with a big smile on your face and sit and listen for a really long time.

·       Austin, you got your first ear infection.  You were pretty unhappy for a couple of days but once you went to the doctor and got on medicine, you went right back to being yourself.

·       You both have your bottom two teeth, with Austin’s top two really starting to come in and Summy’s just peeking through.

A few other things to document, just so we make sure to remember them and see how you change over time:

•       Austin, you have the sweetest, most pleasant demeanor.  You have this incredible smile and way of lifting your eyebrows that makes it seem like you’re always in on the joke, if not the one making it.

•       Summy, your demeanor can depend on the day.  You’re definitely a bit easier to please than Austin.  But when we get you going with a tickle attack, you have the most incredible giggle fits of all time.  And even when you’re not being tickled, your smile with those two bottom teeth is as great as it gets.

•       Austin, you’re also an extremely sensitive sleeper.  When mommy and I come to check on you guys before we go to sleep, Summy barely ever even stirs.  You, on the other hand, almost always let out a big breath, sometimes rolling over and even opening your eyes at us.  It’s really cute, but most of the time it leads to mommy and I running out of the room before you really wake up.

•       Summy, you are the best 11 month old eater of all time, but your manners could use some work.  You pretty much love anything we put in front of you, to the point of grabbing a huge handful all at once and stuffing it all into your mouth.  You rarely swallow before stuffing more in.  Austin eats very neatly, always picking up a very specific piece of food before gently dropping it into his mouth.  At the end of most meals, Summy looks like she just finishing rolling around in garbage while Austin looks like he just came out of the bath.

It’s hard to believe that this time next month I’ll be writing about your FIRST BIRTHDAY, but amazingly that is the truth.  Time really does fly.

Love,

Daddy

Month 10

I suck at blogging.  But my kids don't suck at being babies.  They're sort of awesome at it.  As told by my husband, Josh.

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Month 10

Austin and Summer,

These monthly notes I write to you are, in many ways, the baby book we are keeping for you so we can look back and remember how we were feeling and what you were doing at different stages of your first year.  Since some months can feel pretty similar to the previous one, certain entries are harder to write than others.  You may be doing different stuff and of course our love for you grows every day, but to simply write about that can feel really repetitive.  And honestly, monthly love letters would be kind of boring for you to read about in the future.  So, I think I’m going to take a slightly different approach this month and write about an experience that I had. 

On October 7^th, I ran the Chicago Marathon, which I’d been training for over the past 6 months or so.  This was noteworthy for two main reasons: 1) I ran a marathon, and 2) it was the first time since you were born that I went out of town over night without you. 

This was third marathon I’d run, and I trained harder for this one than either of the previous two.  In my first two marathons, the results were mixed.  I finished my first marathon (the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington DC) in basically 5 hours due to some unforeseen circumstances and a really bad day.  Right after that race ended I thought I’d never run another marathon.  But months later I realized I still had unfinished business to tend to, so I started training again and ran my second marathon (the Atlanta Marathon) the following year.  My goal was to break 4 hours, but I finished in 4:00:04.  It was a huge improvement, but I still had more to accomplish.  That’s why this year I trained even harder, with lots of long runs, plenty of speed training, and even giving up dessert for the two months leading up to the race (which is not easy to do around your mommy).

On race day, the first 20 miles went amazingly well and I was on pace to finish in 3:30, which would have been an incredible time for me.  But the last 6.2 miles, I got a ton of cramps and really had to battle through some serious pain to keep going.  I ended up finishing in 3:41, 19 minutes better than my last race. 

So, why give you all of that detail?  For a couple of reasons.  First, you should know that while it is easy to want good things to just happen, more often than not you have to work really hard to achieve things that will make you proud of yourselves.  And sometimes even when you work incredibly hard for something, the results still aren’t exactly what you’d hoped for.  And you know what?  That doesn’t even mean that you’ve failed.  It just means you experienced a journey along the way.  And if the goal you were trying to achieve still seems appealing to you, you should use that experience as motivation to get right back up, try again, and succeed the next time around. 

I also wanted you to know that during those last few miles, when it got really tough, I thought about you guys and was able to keep going because I wanted to do my best for you.  Your mom and I talk all the time about how proud we are to have you as our babies.  And as you grow up and your list of accomplishments gets longer and longer, we’ll only grow prouder.  But something I’d never really spent much time thinking about was the other side of things.  And the reality is, I want you to be proud of me, too.  I know you’re much too young right now to understand what that means, but hopefully when you’re old enough to read this by yourselves, you’ll understand and you’ll even think that your dad has done some pretty cool stuff in his life. 

As for being out of town, I had a great time on my trip and I was busy for most of it, but I was definitely very excited to be back home with mommy and my two little monkeys.  We talked via Skype a couple times a day, so I was able to see you guys eat and play, even if you were confused about why daddy was inside of mommy’s computer.  Of course mommy had no problem at all being home alone with you.  But this month mommy is going out of town for a few days, so hopefully I’ll be able to report back with the same level of success when she gets home from her trip. 

As for this month…Austin, I think it’s always kind of up for interpretation as to what a baby’s true “first word” is, but we’re pretty sure that you said “ball” this month.  I was at work and mommy was holding a ball when you made a “ba” sound.  I’ve seen it happen several times since, so we’re pretty convinced it’s for real.  I don’t know if this means you’re going to be some kind of amazing athlete or if you’re going to walk around with your hands in your pants all day (you already like to do that in your bath every night), but we’ll find out soon enough.

In other news, you also got your first haircut this month.  Your sideburns were starting to look like payos and it was driving your mom crazy, so we went to some fancy salon and you got to sit in a firetruck and get your hair cut.  It was actually pretty uneventful, so rather than describe the whole scene, I’ll just let you watch the video.

Summy, you finally got tired of seeing Austin move and shake all over the house while you sat and watched, so you decided to start crawling too this month.  Now you’re all over the place, too.  You also started dancing to music.  Mommy has been taking you guys to music class and it seems to really have resonated with you.  Anytime we put on music from one of your toys, particularly the ABC’s, you start moving back and forth to the music. It’s pretty damn adorable.  And you also starting clapping your hands this month, so whenever we say “Yay, Summy!” in a real excited voice, you clap your little hands and give us a huge smile. 

Can’t wait to see what you guys do next month!

Love,

Daddy

9 Months and Fabulous

Who can believe the babies are just 3 months shy of a year?  That probably isn't nearly as surprising as how much I suck at blogging.  I think the last time I blogged, my kids were still in diapers.  Okay, they're still still in diapers but you know what I mean.

Take it away, hubs...

Month 9

Austin and Summer,

The other day we were with your cousin Brandon and something came up in conversation that made us explain to him that a few weeks of time in the life of a baby makes such a difference in what they are doing because at 9 months old, two weeks is about 5% of your entire lives, whereas for the rest of us, two weeks is pretty much just two weeks.  That conversation made me reflect a little bit on the past year.

Last September 22, I was working at CNN.  Your mom was about 5 months pregnant.  We were living in Brookhaven.  I could watch football pretty much whenever I wanted.  And your mom liked when I went on 3 hour training runs because it meant she could watch whatever crap TV she chose.

This September 22, I am working at Sharecare.  Your mom is obviously no longer pregnant.  We are living in Dunwoody.  I basically haven’t watched any football this year aside from Canes games and the Saturday night games that start after you guys are asleep.  And those 3 hour training runs now can’t end soon enough for mommy because that means I’ll be home to help out with you crazy kids.

For any normal adult, that’s a MASSIVE amount of change.  Like, the most change humanly possible to experience in a year.  But 9 months ago, you guys were tiny little creatures that were only a quarter of the size you are now.  You could barely eat.  You slept in two hour increments.  You couldn’t move at all. 

And now you’re starting to get so big that you’re almost not even babies anymore.  Austin, you are crawling and are able to get pretty much wherever you want to go.  Summer, we played music on one of your toys yesterday and you were totally dancing to it.  You can both stand up for long periods of time if you have something to balance on.  You’ve both traveled internationally.  You both eat real adult food.  Like, full-on, adult taste bud kind of food.  You’ve eaten fajita seasoned chicken and rice, coconut curry chicken, Italian sausage and bell peppers, butternut squash and sage tortellini, Israeli salad, pumpkin risotto, and so much more.  You have become, dare I say, real people.

Every time I look at you guys and see you do something new or unexpected, it makes me so proud to be your daddy.  Sometimes it’s also easy to get frustrated.  Like when Summer cried for two straight hours when we were at Rosh Hashanah dinner because she hates being around people.  Or when Austin tries to pull out Summer’s hair every five minutes of the day because it’s there.  But then I remember that you’re just these little people who are still learning how the world works, and all that frustration goes away because, just when we think you might have turned into some kind of devil-child, you go and do something hilarious or adorable and totally redeem yourselves.

It’s all part of this crazy parenthood thing.  We want you to stay at this age forever because you are so perfect and we can’t imagine it getting any better.  But then a week later we realize that it’s only gotten that much more fun.  We can’t wait for all of the amazing adventures we have to look forward to with you.  We just hope it doesn’t go by as fast as these past 9 months.

Love,

Daddy

What else happened this month?

You guys dressed up in Canes outfits for the first four games of the season (we went 3-1 and our only loss was the game where mommy dressed Summy in the wrong outfit)

Daddy got a year older

Summy had her first medical procedure.  She got her tear duct opened, which I initially thought would be a major part of what I’d write about this month but ended up being a lot of unnecessary nervous build-up for your mom and dad but ultimately just a 90 second procedure that went perfectly well

Your NaNa and Papa came to visit (again)

You started music class and go every week with your Aunt Aimee

Vital Stats

Nine month weight: Austin – 18lb, 14oz; Summer- 17lb, 3oz

Nine month height: Austin –  27 3/4in      Summer – 26 1/2in

8 Months!

Happy 8 months to my drooly, snotty, lovely monkeys!  This month has been their sickest month yet and they've totally rocked it with hacking coughs and 2 foot strings of snot.  But through this all, they've remained geniuses, continuing their work with Einstein's Theory of Relativity and DVF's new fall line for New York Fashion Week.

Heeeeeere's Josh!

Month 8

Austin and Summer,

For the first time since you were born eight months ago, the biggest excitement was actually about someone other than you guys.  This month (actually last calendar month), you became older cousins for the first time when Aunt Rhianna and Uncle Jason’s baby girl Scarlett was born.  Just like you guys, she came out happy, healthy and perfect.  And now you’ll always have a cousin that’s just about your age for you to be best friends with.  Family get-togethers are officially now taken over by baby insanity.

Speaking of always having best buddies, it looks like the love affair between you guys is starting to take shape.  You now absolutely interact with each other, laugh at each other and talk to each other pretty much all day.  It’s ridiculously cute for your mom and I to be sitting on the couch while you guys are in your bouncers and to hear you start laughing because of something the other one did.  I don’t think anything is better than the sound of you guys laughing at each other.  You also started this adorable game where Austin will start squirming towards Summer and just when he gets within reach, Summer rolls the other direction.  Austin pursues, Summer rolls, you both laugh.  Over and over.  It’s pretty freakin adorable.

You also officially became international travelers this month.  You went on an airplane for the second time, and this time you made it all the way up to America, Jr.  We went to visit family in Toronto and you got a chance to see your Sabba, Aunt Shira, Uncle Gilad, and lots of other great-aunts, great-uncles and second cousins.  I think it’s safe to say that everyone instantly fell in love with both of you, and you have a lot of fans up in the Great White North.

In other news this month, Austin, you have officially gone mobile.  I wouldn’t exactly call it crawling at this point (it honestly looks like you’re doing The Worm), but you can definitely get from point A to point B without much trouble or hesitation.    Especially if there’s a cell phone or computer that you’re trying to get to, you can move really fast.  I’m not sure if that means you’re going to be some kind of tech genius or if you’re just going to be the kind of kid who is always distracted, but both are definite possibilities at this point.  Summy, unless you’re playing the game from above, you like to just sit on your ass and watch Austin wiggle his way around the room.  No crawling on the immediate horizon for you.  Like father, like son; like mother, like daughter.  

You both also ditched your bottles this month in favor of sippy cups.  It’s actually pretty impressive that you guys are capable of holding the cup, deciding when to drink from it, and feeding yourselves.  This is also important because it allows your mommy and me to ignore you for a few extra minutes a day so we can do really important stuff like text people and/or look at Facebook/Twitter.

Other stuff to memorialize from this month:

·       You now both have two teeth

·       You both now talk up a storm.  Your favorite sound is “da” which is nice because when you say it repeatedly, it becomes a series of “dada’s”

·       You’re still fantastic sleepers

·       You both went to your first visits to the doctor for being sick.  You’ve had a cold that won’t go away, but besides the ridiculous amount of snot, it doesn’t seem to affect either of you

·       I wouldn’t say Summer’s stranger danger issues are officially gone, but you seem to be dealing much better with new people and crowds.  You’re well on your way to becoming the social butterfly we all know you’re going to be

The Perks of Being a Mom

Sometimes being a mom is hard work. 

I've been covered in vomit, pee, poop, snot and weird unidentifiable goopy substance that came from somewhere on my kid's body. 

I've been strolling through Target where the only sound that could be heard for miles is the shrill ear-splitting scream of my darling baby girl.
Do I stop my shopping and admit defeat?  Hell no.  It's go time. They're having a sale on Krispy Kremes and there are new Halloween Sprinkles in the dollar bins. 
Shriek on, little one.

Along with the obvious joy of having children that are gorgeous geniuses, and aside from the strange bodily fluids, there are some pretty cool things about being a mom.

1.  You now have free rein of the Carpool Lane.  So long suckers...I get to drive somewhere faster than you because I'm carpooling with babies.

2.  You can ask for a free toy/cookie/balloon for your kids and reap the benefits of having babies with no teeth.  Thank you Publix supermarkets. 

3.  I now have a stroller that can hold two babies, a diaper bag, a full day's worth of a shopping haul, a large diet coke and an ice cold Frappucino.  Stop and ask me about my amazing stroller.  You won't be the first.

4.  Allow me to introduce you to my Marc by Marc Jacobs Pretty Eliza Diaper bag.  Need I say more?

5.  You can now rightfully judge those women you see as unfit mothers because you have experience.

6.  You can compete with other moms to see whose baby hits different milestones first.  And if it's not your baby...well that other baby can suck it.

7.  Baby shoes.  Tiny, absolutely pointless, probably serve no purpose but to destroy my child's feet before he can walk, baby shoes.

8.  Accessories.  Babies are like accessories with accessories.  Double the fun.

9.  You get to plan a 1st birthday EXTRAVAGANZA!  And all of the other birthdays.  And each year you get to add a zero to the end of the budget from the previous year ensuring that your child will have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah priced in the millions.  If you're not Jewish, seriously consider converting when you have kids.  Did someone just say themed party with a candy table??

10.  And really, one of THE only reasons to have babies.  Tushies.

And don't forget the most important thing about being a mom.  You're still you.  You can still do all of the things you did before you became a mom. 

Do I still lean my head out the window and honk and whistle while the high school boy's Cross Country team runs by?  Hell yes I do.

How to be an Awesome Mom

You might be wondering how I do it every day with two babies that are the same age.  Let me tell you, it's a lot easier than you think.  All it takes is a little patience, a dash of love and a ton of awesome.

Just follow these 10 simple steps:
1.  Do "work" on your computer when your kids are playing so you don't notice when one spits up so that when you look up 5 minutes later there is spit up smeared across the entire playmat and both your children's faces.

2.  When your kids pee on their outfit, gauge how long it will take to dry and compare that to how long it will take you to pick out a new outfit.  Then ignore what I just said because math is hard and let your kid play in his pee pee outfit.

3.  Laugh when your kids fart because it's never going to stop being funny.

4.  Even though you're not leaving the house, change your child's outfit 8 times or until you find something slimming.

5.  When your kids are sick, don't fret.  Sickness comes with snot bubbles.  Snot bubbles are funny like farts.

6.  Teach your children early how to spend smart by taking them on multiple shopping trips a week.  Say it with me AM-EX AM-EX...good babies.

7.  Use nap time wisely by watching reruns of Party of Five.  You should never try to do something productive because as soon as you do, nap time over.

8.  Always wear white when feeding your babies.

9.  Try all the baby food.  Just don't let the babies see you gag on the "Spring Vegetable Mix."

10.  Never stop taking photos of your kids to remember all of the little moments.  Like when you're holding a spoon of sweet potato puree up to your child's mouth and he sneezes.

Seven Months of Diapers x 2

Another monthly post from Josh for your reading pleasure...

Austin and Summer,

When I was a kid, I used to have a recurring dream.  It was the only one I ever had, and I could never figure out why I had it.  I would be running (which was odd, because I never ran any distance longer than a fewer hundred feet at a time back then) and my legs would get so tired that they essentially stopped functioning and I would have to grab only stationery objects and propel myself forward in order to keep going.  If I had a psychic with a crystal ball analyze those dreams, she probably would have told me that it meant I was stuck in a rut and desperately trying to work my way out of it.  But I was like 12 years old, happy as can be, without a problem or worry in the world, so clearly that wasn’t the case.  What’s odd is that ever since I started actually running, that dream has never made a re-appearance.  I guess I’ll never know what those dreams meant or if they meant anything at all, but I’ve been reminded of them watching you two recently.  You’re just on the brink of crawling, but instead of actually being able to move yourselves along the ground to wherever you want to go, you’re still in that stage where you lie on your stomachs, push with all your might with your arms and legs, but the only thing that happens is you flop around like a seal going nowhere.  It’s pretty damn cute, but we know it’s not going to last for long and any day now your mom and I are going to be chasing you around the house as you crawl in opposite directions from one another, wreaking as much havoc as possible.  Ahh, good times on the horizon. 

Onto other news from this month, you’ve both become champion eaters.  Summy, you even eat the green stuff at this point, although every so often you do some really dramatic gagging motion/noise combination to let us know that you’re ready for the sweet stuff now, please.  You’re just like your mommy, except that she’s old enough to just skip straight to the Krispy Kremes without having to fake it on the veggies.  Austin, you’re pretty much like daddy.  You’ll just sit there quietly awaiting your next bite, not really caring so much what it is as long as it’s going in your stomach. 

You’ve also become experts at sitting up.  Watching you guys “play together” while you sit up and grab different toys is an amazing treat for me and your mom.  The best part of it is how your personalities shine through.  Summer, since the day you were born, you’ve been our sweet, soft little princess.  I literally used the word “dainty” in the email I sent to everyone to announce your births only hours after we met you.  I don’t think there’s a word in the English language to better describe you.  When you pick up a toy, you’re like a girl from finishing school picking up her afternoon tea.  You hold it ever so softly, as if it might break if you grabbed it hard.  Austin, you’re a boy’s boy.  You’re like a wrecking ball, smashing and grabbing everything in your path with full force.  Your intentions are sweet as can be, but it’s pretty funny to watch you both sit with the same bucket in between you and have Austin grab it out of the way and dumb everything everywhere while Summer sits sweetly across from you and can only watch it all happen. 

And the newest phenomenon in our happy little household is that our beautiful, sweet baby girl now wakes up in the morning with her face smelling like a combination of urine and sweaty old shoes.  It’s subtle enough that you can’t smell it unless you kiss your face, but when you lean in for that kiss, man it hits you like a ton of bricks.  Somehow it hasn’t stopped me from kissing you a million times a day, but if this keeps up we might have to start you on the perfume a few years earlier than anticipated. 

One last thing about our smelly little princess.  This month, you developed some serious “stranger danger” issues.  Unless you are very familiar with the people around you, you tend to cling to me or your mommy, and there have been a fair amount of waterworks when new people are around.  One really sweet byproduct of this is that every time we leave the house, right when we walk out the door you bury your head into whoever is holding you.  It’s kind of like you want an extra bit of protection as you go out into this big, new world.  Hopefully soon you’ll realize that we’re here to protect you, but every once in a while it’s nice for us (read: your mom) to get a break from holding/watching you all day long.  We promise to keep you safe if you promise you keep us sane.    

I’ll check in with you guys again next month.  Thanks for keeping us feeling young. 

Love,

Daddy

P.S.  You both also started to get teeth this month.  Austin, you currently have one and Summer has two.  There’s not much exciting to write about teeth other than that they exist, so this is really just meant to document something important that happened this month.  And that’s all.  Goodbye again until next time.

A Book Review: Where is Baby's Belly Button by Karen Katz

I know many of you turn to me for answers to your many questions regarding baby knowledge, product reviews and general know-how. And I know that my knowledge pretty much surpasses what the average human being is capable of retaining.

My last book review got about 800,000 hits so I figure it's time for another.
I recommend you grab on to the seat of your pants for this one.  This is one of my all time favorite books as it combines mystery with surprise, and even a little humor.  What more could you ask for in a piece of quality literature?

I now give you, Where is Baby's Belly Button? by Karen Katz.

I love a book that grabs your attention from first glance.  I know you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover but I just can't help myself.  It's a tad innocent, some might say coy, a little bit sexy...need I say more?

The action begins right from the first page.

I know, right? Where ARE baby's eyes?  I'm so intrigued.

Shut the f*ck up!  You didn't see that one coming, did you?

I get lost in the beautiful pictures and gripping story line.  It's like the book reaches way down within my soul and introduces me to questions I've never posed before.

Oh, Karen Katz.  You genius, you.

The book gets more intriguing and the many surprises are endless.

Seriously?  How does she come up with this stuff?

Holy hell!  I didn't even think to look behind the cat.  The wheels in my head are turning.  Seriously turning.  I just can't put it down.  I don't even have words.  But thank God Karen Katz does.

I know you don't normally give away the end of a story during a book review but I simply can't help myself.  And I know you're all dying to know what happens.  Here's where the mystery is completely unveiled and you just sit there thinking about it for days.

Up until this point, we've just been searching for parts of the baby.  But wait for it...

That's right folks.  We're searching for the whole damn baby.

I'm not going to tell you what happens although I'm sure you're at the edge of your seat.  But I'll tell you one thing, it's worth reading.  There's a total plot twist. 

If you're still sitting at your computer, get off your butt and go grab Where is Baby's Belly Button by Karen Katz.  It changed my life.  You won't be disappointed.

Happy 4th of July

To all who are able to enjoy your independence today, go forth and eat some processed, grilled meat.

This is how we pose, bitches.

An Educational Post About Stuff I know Very LIttle About but Claim to Know a lot About

So Josh and I decided to get with the times and start recycling.

Up until this point, I have helped our environment the following ways:
I refill my Diet Coke at Chipotle at least 3 times to get good use out of the cup.
I put my gum back in my mouth if it falls on the ground so as not to pollute the environment.
I don't clean my house to prevent harmful chemicals from getting in the air.
I buy multiple reusable water bottles, even though I don't drink water, instead of buying bottled water.
I put all my trash inside bigger pieces of trash to save space.
I never wash my car.
I keep my soda cups from McDonald's, Wendys, Chipotle and Chick Fil A neatly arranged around my car so they don't get thrown away.

But now I feel like I should do more.  So I decided to go online and sign up for our local recycling program.
Only, get this.  You can't sign up online.  You have to fill out a form.  With a pen.  And mail it in.  With a check.  What the hell is this?  1985?

Below is the pamphlet.  The right side is the part you're supposed to cut off and mail in.  In your own envelope.  Like in 1955 when you sent in the back of a cereal box to get the Super Secret Spy decoder ring.

When I explained this ridiculousness to Josh, he just said, "The government is always behind on these things," which is quite a surprise to me considering they're all concerned about Cyber Warfare.

What is Cyber Warfare you ask?
Essentially it's fighting on a big internet-sized scale using viruses that unlock the key to other country's biggest financial resources-oil, nuclear plants, generators...

Ugh.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for typing the most boring sentence I've ever typed in my entire life.

How am I such a genius?  Josh makes me watch 60 Minutes every Sunday night.  All I can say is thank God it's not the Kudlow report.  If that's not a show to slit your wrists to, I don't know what is.

My point in all of this is how on earth can the United States even have a chance to get the upper hand in a Cyber Warfare Battle when they don't even know how to use the internet to sign you up for a recycling program or process your credit card?

Now that I think of it, it seems like a total waste of paper to sign up for this recycling program.  I'm going to go internet shopping instead and save the planet.

Cute and Cuter

Everyone thinks their kid is the cutest thing they've ever seen.  It's like parents all of a sudden become blind to what society deems attractive when they look at their children.  Do I think this is a bad thing?  Absolutely not.  If your kid is ugly, you should probably be the last to know. 

For instance, I recently saw a baby who looks exactly like Crush from Finding Nemo.

Poor little bug-eyed creep.

And as much as I think my children are fabulous, I know how to be real.  For instance, Summer has recently taken on the likeness of one of my favorite movie characters.

Summer Blair, meet Lloyd Christmas.

Need I say more?